Void of Space

Quote of the day!

*Beastboy says something with the worst grammar I've ever heard from that cartoon*
Raven: Oooooh, bad grammar. Is that supposed to scare him?

I love Raven to death. Too bad she's a cartoon character and not real, otherwise, I'd ask her out in a heartbeat.

And pray to God that she doesn't "Azarath Metrion Zinthos" my ass to Pluto...

Here's an interesting conversation between Emma and I.


*Talking about my weekend, how lonely and left out I was feeling, and something that happened at work today*

CrzyPenguin182: wow
SpiritFang39: I just left the room. After everything that's happened to me over this past year, I can't believe in something like that
SpiritFang39: I just can't...
CrzyPenguin182: yeah
SpiritFang39: I don't know what to do, where to go, what to say, I swear to god I'm going to cry, I feel like I have someone impaling me through the chest...
CrzyPenguin182: you and audrey are on the same boat, fucking piece of shit jason just dumped her
SpiritFang39: or ripping my heart out and making me watch them smash it into the ground, which ever is easiest to imagine
SpiritFang39: damn....
SpiritFang39: shoot him if you see him
CrzyPenguin182: i fucking hate all these fucking people that hurt my fucking friends
SpiritFang39: Amanda's not doing it on purpose (1)
SpiritFang39: I just want it all to go away. I swear after I graduate I'll move to Japan and enroll into one of those Zen Missions or something...
SpiritFang39: Zen temples, with the rock gardens and chimes and all the meditation and things like that
SpiritFang39: actually, come to think of it, that sounds very appealing..
CrzyPenguin182: yeah
CrzyPenguin182: i'm thinking about killing him
CrzyPenguin182: fucking piece of shit
CrzyPenguin182: god damn it i'm so angry
SpiritFang39: at who? Just Jason?
SpiritFang39: send him a bomb in the mail
CrzyPenguin182: Jason
CrzyPenguin182: yeah
SpiritFang39: no, wait, don't do that
CrzyPenguin182: h
aha yeah
SpiritFang39: :P
CrzyPenguin182: it makes me so mad this all she's fucking wanted all her fucking life
SpiritFang39: We want the same thing, just from different people
SpiritFang39: she from guys, me from girls
CrzyPenguin182: well i still love you guys in an asexual way of course
SpiritFang39: I guess I'm just doomed to live alone, no partner or "wife", no kids, just work....
SpiritFang39: thanks :P
CrzyPenguin182: well you could have a cat :D and some of my halloween candy ^_^
SpiritFang39: I'd like to get rid of the whole emotion thing, too. Emotions are bad news, and they can leave me the hell alone and bug something that has the mentality to take it

(1)At least... I don't -think- she's doing it on purpose...


So... yeah. Had a tough week, Becca spent the whole weekend with friends and I got stuck at home and work. The parents did take me out to dinner. (They're the only ones that really do that, now. Last time I went out with Emma was... Perkins. Can't remember when... oh, wait. Day after Homecoming. Not sure how long ago that was, though... probably not long.)

Emma's bragging about the ghost pencil toppers she got trick-or-treating. -_-;;

Never did get my boots. They didn't have them, but their supplier did. I just kinda stood there a moment, trying to decide if I wanted to cuss them out for being so damn ignorant or hang up on them to make it all easier. If I didn't want them, would I have placed the order? God, the human race is just going down the drain...

And another convo between me and Emma....

CrzyPenguin182: me and you need to write one of our old school stories
SpiritFang39: What of? Gimme ideas and I'll see what I can do :P
CrzyPenguin182: you know like three chicks get in some sort of accident and they end up in some sort of place and have magical powers and fight evil with sexy boys and girl people
CrzyPenguin182: and by three chicks i mean me you and shyla
SpiritFang39: hahahahahah
SpiritFang39: :P
CrzyPenguin182: ^_^ i've been thinking about it awhile
SpiritFang39: I'll do a remake of our old Monster stories
SpiritFang39: have Ben, Mickey, and Kellie hit the road and have just us
CrzyPenguin182: hells yeah!
CrzyPenguin182: and i'll make the soundtrack because i'm Emma and thats what i do ^_^
SpiritFang39: :P
SpiritFang39: I'll see what I can come up with
CrzyPenguin182: woot woo!!!!!
SpiritFang39: I -am- much better at writing than I was that long ago
CrzyPenguin182: hey man you weren't half bad tho
SpiritFang39: no, I wasn't
SpiritFang39: but I got better :P
CrzyPenguin182: that you did
CrzyPenguin182: i haven't updated my fanfic since august
SpiritFang39: I haven't updated in a while, either
SpiritFang39: haven't been motivated enough
CrzyPenguin182: yeah same here last i wrote hiei as an abusive alcoholic
SpiritFang39: rotflmao
CrzyPenguin182: haha yeah this is what i'm saying haha
CrzyPenguin182: i don't know where to go from their and thats a big problem
SpiritFang39: I think you killed it
CrzyPenguin182: yeah
CrzyPenguin182: i did
CrzyPenguin182: call 911 i'm already dead but someone should caught and held responsible for this bloody mess
CrzyPenguin182: i think i'm gonna go back and edit the chapters and shit
SpiritFang39: good idea

Hey, Emma, you need to work on your spelling and grammar. :P Please don't kill me...

Actually, though, the writing sounds like a good idea. It'll give me something to do, keep my mind off things. I love it when I get the time to write, I go into a world all by myself where I can be whatever the heck I want to be, do whatever the heck I want to do, and be everything I can never be in real life. Strong, smart, quick, healthy.... happy. Good looking, too, but I'm actually kind of pleased with my real life appearance. Not perfect, but I don't want perfection.

Just me.

I've lost her.... there's no way I'll get that chance. Tempted to post a poem I wrote recently... Maybe I will.

Now I want to slaughter the lyrics of every fucking love song I hear. After everything that's happened to me, how can I believe in it? At least, when I graduate, I can finally leave all this behind. Start over somewhere else, somewhere far away. Where no one is gonna know me, no one will judge me like they do here.... no one will care if I'm gay or not. If I'm a witch or not. If I'm slow or if I'm fast. People won't help me when I don't want to be helped, won't make me feel like I'm incompetent, like I can't do anything without assistance...

Just so you know, I've been like this since Friday night. So I've been this miserable for roughly two days, and I don't see how I can possibly go any lower. Cause if I do, I won't be coming back up.

I feel so violent... I yelled at dad. I want to break something, hurt something.... I've never been like this before. And I'm going to go suicidal if I pull another blank rune from my rune bag.

It's been a while since I've used my Cards... they're probably mad at me. -_-;; They give me inappropriate/illogical/rediculous readings when they get like that. (For those of you not tarot devotes, you're going to think I'm off my rocker. Not too far off the truth... but get over it.)

Hmm... I think I need to rewrite this poem. It's not sitting right with me. I guess I'll reword it, try again. But my mind is a jumbled mess... there's no way I'll be able to focus proberly.

I was in a really crappy mood yesterday. Really depressed, a bit angry too. The lonely feeling that's been sitting in my chest like a rock did not make it any better.

I had a wierd dream last night. Well, alright, not wierd... I actually enjoyed it. But it was too realistic to be a normal dream, sooooo....

Know that shread of hope that I thought died? It came back to life.

My boots for my costume should be in on or before Saturday. Real leather, black, come up to probably my knees. They cost $108. But I had to add on for S&H, insurance.... grand total came to $135. But they should be worth it.

The weekend wasn't bad... but it wasn't good, either. I was either a horrible waitress, or I got a bunch of poor customers. And that was just at Perkins. Those of us working at Buffalo Point got our butts kicked, the dinning area (lobby too) was packed from the time we opened to the time I left.

Amanda's mom said no. Again. I've got the feeling it'll always be "no." I should probably just give up and stop asking. Amanda'll never go out with me, especially not while she's back with her ex. Still don't understand that one, I've given up on that as well. Understanding the logic, anyway.

And now that I'm thinking about things like that... I've realized something. Rachael's a great friend, and I care about her and worry about her and enjoy talking with her, but I highly doubt we'll ever have the relationship we had (or had the potential for having). It took me over half a year to accept that fact, and I'm not sure I've fully accepted it. But I will... eventually.

Woah, I'm raving. I gotta stop this.

My Halloween costume is almost done. All I have to do now is buy some boots... but I hate lace up with a passion. BAH! The boots I want are $100+... fleh. I have the money and all, but I'm pretty frugal.

God, I feel horrible. Not the sick kind, but... guilty.

I said and did things I had no right or reason to. I apologized, twice... but I still feel really bad...

I will try to write in this damn thing for the third time. I want to kill the Sidney servers.





I'm feeling kinda apathetic. I just don't care anymore. Don't care about school, or work, myself.... my future, my past. Nothing. Checked my grades, and only shrugged about them.

I want all these feelings to just go the fuck away. I'll force myself to be asexual and stoic.


*10 minutes later*

Ahahahahahahah..... Cisco 1 kids just finished working with wires, and I got mine totally wrong. I had everything reversed. ^_^;; God, that's embarassing, but funny.

Eh, stoic. Gotta remember that. Heh, those ancient Greek thinkers probably had it right. If you're unemotional and don't feel pleasure or pain, you'll live a healthy, "happy" life.

Hey Jaey! This entry's for you!

BLAAAAAHHH!

There, got that out of my system.

Thanks for the note, Jaey, but you'll have to do a lot of slapping. :P

I just want to die. Just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to eat, don't want to sleep, I want to drop out of school....

I want someone to kill me... because I can't do it myself.

I can't see anything here that's worth all this pain... I get nothing for everything I do. I get lies, I get cheated on, I get used.... God, I feel so used...

I am so fucking selfish... but I don't give a shit anymore. Why should I? No one gave a shit about me for 6 years. Then I get used.... why bother? They're all the same...

Damnit, why can't I just do it? I've thought about it, thought about it, saved money, even thought of a few places I can go, but I just can't do it.

I am so hypocritical, I tell people that running doesn't solve anything. Yet here I am, still dwelling on plans to run away. For the longest time, I couldn't do it. Then suddenly, there was nothing here that could keep me. Then -she- came along....

Now, that shouldn't be keeping me from leaving. Doesn't share the feelings I have, I don't know when she's telling the truth and when she's not...

God, just kill me now. Hurry up, so I can't quit before you fire me.

Heh, one of Rachael's friends said something funny about suicide. "Suicide is telling God 'You can't fire me, I quit!'"

I can't take much more of this. Lied to so many times, burned, rejected, shot down.... I don't have the mentality for this. I can't take it. I feel like I'm gonna snap. I'm crying... crying over everything. Rachael (god, haven't done -that- in a long time...), Amanda, my grades, the fact that I feel like no one gives a shit... I don't want to go to work, don't want to go to school, don't want to take care of myself, don't want to eat or sleep... I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Not like I'm gonna be missed much. I'll be forgotten, no one'll think long on it. No one ever does.

God, what the hell is wrong with me... I'm never like this. Why did any of this have to happen? Why did I have to speak up? If I hadn't given her that first note.... I wouldn't have gotten hurt. None of this would have happened. I wouldn't be crying right now, I wouldn't be working at Perkins, I'd be sleeping like a normal person, I wouldn't feel like Rachael dumped me all over again....

Just make it go away... that's all I want. I want the pain and heartache and lonelyness to go away... I just want it all to go away.

Well, that was stupid.....

This just goes to show; you don't check that lesbian/bi-women post board while in computer class. Adam Lien saw, patted me on the shoulder, and said "It's okay." I just kinda gave him a look.

Eh. Been meaning to come out a bit more. Might as well do it "accidently". :P

I feel so... rejected. Well, no, that's too strong a word. Maybe it's empty... Yeah, that's it. Empty.

When I got her note, I had a hard time with it. I couldn't get my emotions out right, couldn't express it, almost couldn't handle it. I was so frustrated, so angry, that the first response I sent to her was mostly out of anger. I ended up thinking about it for a while, and decided to go talk to her at Perkins. Afterwards, I realized I was wrong in my first response, and sent her another note as an apology.

She said she "just couldn't do it", just couldn't tell me to my face. I don't know if I can believe her... she said she'd still be there for me if I'd stick around. She said she was sorry. But how do I know she's telling the truth? She's lied to me twice that I know of. How do I know that she won't do it again? It hurts to know she lied about her feelings. I doubt I'll ever get that chance. I'm beginning to think I'm better off turning myself asexual.

I'm just glad she came clean before anything happened.

It took me over six months to get over Rachael. (Alright, so I'll never be over her, but I was able to move on.)

I'm thankful she told me before I tried to take the relationship farther. But... it still hurts. A lot.

I feel.... I dunno. Kinda depressed, lonely. Hopeless.

Rejected.... I doubt it would work out. Doesn't seem to be interested. But maybe I -think- that, because I'm an attention hog and I wear jealousy like a shirt. It doesn't take a lot to make me jealous, and it's even worse, when I refuse to show it.

I think I've really fucked my wrist up. I carried a tray that was way too heavy, and it tilted... my wrist made a loud, nasty popping noise, and it hurt. Then this morning, the dogs got loose. I chased them to the next neighborhood... and messed my wrist up even more.

Mom won't be letting me work weekday nights at Perkins anymore. They keep making me stay longer than I should, they thought I was a highschool graduate. If I was, I'd probably already be gone. I've nearly fallen asleep in two classes, and I bombed my Cisco quiz.

But I always bomb it the first time. :P

Forgot something. The thought just came and bit me, figured I'd try to take care of it now while I'm on the computer.

Someone left a note on here... rather good typing, actually. Doesn't match the other two anonymous ones, so I'm assuming it's from a different person. Here's a question for you, if you're reading this.

"To bad you don't know the truth, or don't want to know the truth."

If you feel so much more... knowledgable, than I, then please, enlighten me! Tell me of this truth you have.

"By the way, does your dad know the truth about everything going on here???? Or are you and mom hiding the truth as well. When you post to the whole world people are bound to find this."

Dad knowing which truth? When he asks questions and gets answers he understands, he's satisfied. As far as I know, he knows everything he wants to.

Again, which truth? There's lots of them.

And yes, the reason I post on a web log is so people can read it. If people don't like what they read, I trust they have the sense enough to stop and find something they like. If it burns, don't touch it.

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

.....? What's this got to do with anything? If someone has a beef with me being moody cause my favorite tent isn't gonna be here next year, then we have serious issues... And if they have beefs with me being moody cause plans got canceled, then we have even more serious issues.



Here's to anyone that's gonna leave anonymous notes with no name or hint of one; If you're gonna say something nice, then you don't need to sign a name. If you're gonna accuse me of something because of some reason unknown to me, say something that I'm gonna take offensively, or make me annoyed (which eventually leads to me being angry) either leave a name or say it to my face. You do those couragous flammers out there (who leave names!) no honor.

End smart-ass post.

This is really weird... I feel I should know the people leaving anonymous comments here, without leaving a hint of a name, but nothing is ringing a bell. Oh well, I'll figure it out later. The lack of name is the only thing bothering me.

For the moment, anyway. Just kind of annoying, not anything that's gonna make me angry. Yet.

Today wasn't as bad as it could have been. Work went alright, although I did get one grumpy table..... but they didn't strike me as people from around town, so I didn't think on it too much. Of course, they -could- be from Sidney and I just don't realize it, but that wouldn't be to surprising, either. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life here, why bother to learn everyone's name, personal and family history, what happened to them in 19-oh-something, and what their great-grand children are doing? Just not something that strikes my fancy.

What -does- strike my fancy is getting some actual food into my stomach. I haven't eaten anything decent for over 24 hours.... someone asked me what I had for breakfast, and -- being the smart ass I am -- I said "Breakfast? What's that?"

I learned today that people do not have any consideration for those who are going through a difficult part of their lives. If you don't get it, read the comment on the post below this one.

They also can't spell, but I'm keeping it up cause I think it's funny.

Normally, I'd be very angry and delete it, cause some people don't have the balls (or boobs) to sign under a name, they hide behind the mighty Anonymous Name. But I like to laugh at people like that, cause they're cowards, even on the internet. So I'm keeping it up so I can laugh at it at a later date.


Amanda's mom took her out of school today... and I have no idea if she's coming back. I've cried myself to sleep twice, maybe three times now. I can't remember... but I do know that when I did fall asleep, I didn't sleep well.

I sent her an e-mail, I hope she gets it. I'd like to get a reply.... just so I know what's going on.

She doesn't want to talk to me. Probably doesn't even want to look at me. I tried asking her how she was doing when I saw her in the hall... she just stopped, looked at me, and walked away. I didn't get anything but that look. Not a nod, not a shake of the head, not a verbal answer... she didn't even say "Shut up" "Leave me alone" or even "Go to Hell."

I feel sick... it's probably due to the fact I ended up not eating the tacos last night, and that I didn't eat this morning. I don't think I'll be eating much at lunch, either.

I hope I'm not going into one of those let's-not-eat-a-lot-for-a-month episodes. That happened in my freshman year, and after a month you could see my ribs. Emma and Kellie eventually forced me to start eating again. I haven't had an ordeal like that since. Until now, I think.

Mom's probably gonna kill me, but not before my stupidity and depression does it first.

God, I worry about her, and I care about her so much, I'm scared to actually tell her. I had a chance in the car, but I couldn't actually say it. I was to scared. Scared of denial, rejection...

Now I have no idea where she is. I went to Mi Ranchito to get something to eat, since BP let me go early, and the first thing anyone working there says to me is "She's not here." I had to stop and think about it for a moment before it dawned on me that they were talking about Amanda. Is it that obvious that I look for her the moment I walk in? I just needed something to eat...

Of course, my appetite quickly took a break when I heard -why- she wasn't there. She had been taken to the hospital, then the police station. Apparently, someone finally made her go to the doctors and the cops, but I'm worried about what her mom is gonna do. I was told her mom got an e-mail saying "Amanda thought it was great, that's why she has the bruises" and I got furious. I don't believe the e-mail, and I don't see how anyone can possibly enjoy getting bruises like -that-.

Besides, she can't remember anything. You don't surpress something you like.

And I think I've killed that goddammed annoying little voice that lives in my head. The one that always says the exact opposite of what I'm trying to believe. And as far as I'm concerned, it can stay dead.

God, I don't feel good.... I think I'm making myself sick. I just want to make sure she's all right, and let her know that... well....

I've been trying to get this poem posted on FictionPress, but none of the computers I've used have been able to do it. I guess I'll just post it here. I hope I'm not making a big mistake, I don't want her to leave. She's given me a reason to try harder, to keep going. Even if I can't have her.... I'm glad she came back. I don't want her to leave again, but if she has to, then I understand.


Pain in Your Eyes
The pain in your eyes, it's hard for me to stand
It's hard to resist the urge to steal you away
I'd do anything for you, if you need a helping hand
But fear of and for you keep me at bay

To see him hurt you, it brings upon me rage
The Fires of Hell couldn't match its heat
Compare it to a beast, trying to get out of its cage
The inevitable, it is no great a feat

Your bruises, they mar your body and soul
The pain is obvious in your eyes
One day, I'll bury him in a hole
And take you away into the skies

I asked where you wanted to go, you said the stars
I'll take you there, I'll show it all to you
I'll break your chains, bend your confining bars
Please, let me help you to begin life anew


It doesn't say what I tried to say in the car during school, but maybe one day I'll be able to tell her what I was thinking.

I feel really... wierd. I dunno. Not bad, but not good, either.

I still can't find my phone. I'll kick the ass of whoever took it, goddammit. That's my phone!

Like I said, I'm feeling wierd.

I may talk to Karen at Buffalo Point and ask her if I can work only Fridays and Saturdays. I think mom's right, I am working too much. I hardly have time for myself, much less anything else.

I got home from Perkins at 12:30am. I did not wake up till 7:30ish, and I had to scramble to get to school on time. And then it rained, and messed with my hair and fucked up what gel I had put in it. Now it feels (and probably looks) dirty. Fleh.

That funny feeling hasn't gone away. I guess I'm antsy or something, but I dunno anymore. I still want to kill Justin, but I think I can finally stay in the same room with him without glaring or snapping or being an overall grumpy bitch.

Maybe. I'll have to see at 7th period.

I think I've finally figured out Amanda's birthday date. But since I'm not totally positive, I'm gonna count again.

I guess I want Amanda to move in with me and the folks once she turns eighteen, since the house out at the land is supposed to be livable by then, or close to. But.... I'm not sure she'd want to. I mean, the house is going to be south of Sunol and Lodgepole, and it's a good ten to fifteen minute drive (if you drive the speed limit or below, anyway...) And besides... well, I dunno. I just get that nasty gut feeling about it. The one that says "Yeah, right, not gonna happen, keep dreaming." I wish I could shoot it, but if I did I think I'd hurt myself.

As usual, whenever I go with mom to Bob and Audry's, they get into these huge, animated, religious discussions. So when I don't have to stand still and be measured, or talked to, I go to a different room to walk around and think.

I guess I'm doing that a lot lately. Just having a bad week (started on Sunday) and it hasn't gotten much better. Amanda and I have been able to spend some more time together, but.... some things have happened that I'd rather not talk about. If I did talk, I'd either get into trouble or go into a friggin' rage, or both.

I wish I knew what to do... but I don't. And I'm scared, and worried that I'm doing no good at all and just making things worse. That's probably what I do best. Just make things worse.

When I first heard what happened.... my stomach dropped. My heart just about followed it. I was in a daze for nearly the rest of my work shift. I messed up at least 4 orders in some form or fashion. After what I heard last night ("I hate gays, I'll fucking kill 'em!") I couldn't help but panick.

Then I found out she -let- it happen. She basically told him to do it. At first, I was furious, I didn't know what else to do. But that quickly turned into disappointment.

And depression.

I can't help but think that she -does- know why. It's a gut feeling, and my gut's rarely wrong. I don't want to believe it.... but if it's true.... Then I guess she can't trust me enough to share her problems with me.

Mom says it's not my problem, it's her's. She also said she's angry, but there's nothing she can do about it. (Mom also thinks she did this because she wants attention from her mom, but I got denial out of that one.)

I almost took out my knife.... on impulse and pure habit. But I never used it. I'm too tired.... too sad. All I want to do is cry, because I'm not trusted enough to be allowed to help.

Things like this just... they make me wish for the pain to go away, through any way possible. Even death. But I can't bring it on myself....I can't decide if I'm a coward or not enough of one. I guess I kinda wish that guy in Walmart's parking lot hadn't stopped, even though I had right of way and he was going down the wrong isle.

But actions have consequenses. I'm a selfish fucking bitch to wish for death. If it happened.... my family would most likely fall apart. Mom would go crazy, dad would probably start drinking (or drive himself off a cliff....) and Becca would probably start drugs and smoking and premature/marital sex.

Things I do have an affect on others. But I wish others could remember that as well. It'd make life a hell of a lot easier.

For everyone.

Work sucked today. Perkins kept me for nearly an hour longer than they were supposed to, and I just wanna strangle Michael.... That and I cut myself with a knife on accident. I was cutting fruit. And I had a really bitchy table, the kids were about as snotty as their parents.

Then I went to Buffalo Point. (I definitely like working there more... but if Perkins keeps pulling these stunts and keeping me from making it to BP on time, I might have to quit. They know I have a second job...) We weren't busy for about an hour, then we had this insane rush. We had nearly every table full, and Erika and I were behind about four or five tables in busing. We're hardly ever like that.

And I had some girl watching me nearly the entire time while I was working....

At least I got my free prime rib. ::drools:: I'm a sucker for that. That and lobster.

Gube and I were talking. We ended up talking about what happened between me and Rachael. We decided it was a lack of communication. He's being quite, I might have to poke him a bit harder.

I so do not want to work tomorrow morning. I want to stay home and play my new Game Cube game. True Crime, Streets of LA. It looks like a lot of fun. Karen says I'd make a great cop, but Dad and I say I'd lose my badge pretty quick. I'd shoot the suspects dead before they even made it to court. If I know for certain they're guilty, they're dead as soon as I pull that trigger.

Speaking of triggers.... I overheard some Homecomers talking about some asshole. They said he said "I hate gays, I'll kill 'em!" I didn't catch the name, but they better be glad I didn't. Hearing it gave me a sick feeling. I know it's here in Sidney, I've seen it. But to actually hear it..... it made me ill. Then angry, which quickly became furious.

Now I have to go to bed. I'm tired. Mom says I'm working to much, and if this keeps up, she'll make me quit Perkins. I don't want to.... but if I have to, I will. I'm surprised I managed to drive home this evening.

This afternoon actually went pretty well. I was late getting to Matt's to get my hair cut, and ended up seeing Amanda soon after he was done. She came in when I was finishing off whatever he had picked off his plate for lunch. :P

We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon together. Went to Perkins for dinner after we stopped by my house. We ended up staying at the house for a while, I showed her Cyra and the dove (who still doesn't have a name). She also met that little monster Paddy, and his pansy mommy Willow.

I wish.... I could just be open with my feelings. But I don't know how.... I'm scared I'll mess up and never get a chance. Every time I finally manage to get the guts.... somethings takes that opportunity away. I wish I had more courage, so I could be more open. Take chances... It's hard for me to live like I'm gonna die the very next day before the sun even rises, when I know (or think) that something like that won't happen.

And none of these poems are saying what I want. And the ones I've written.... well.... I don't want to share one at the moment, I'm waiting to put it up at Fanfiction.Net. And they usually don't rhyme or make any sense what so ever.

I guess I wish I knew what I could say, but there's nothing. All I can do is hope I don't make a mistake by doing the wrong thing. Like leaving notes on windshields....

Today I get to go to the football came to take pictures for journalism. "Yay!" Whatever. Mom thinks Sidney's gonna be trounced, so I'll be taking pictures of Sidney Raiders being burned by Scottsbluff Bearcats.

Which raises the question "What -is- a bearcat?"

Moving on. Amanda and I will probably leave after half time. Not exactly sure what I'm gonna do with Becca, I'll either bring her along or drop her off at home or let her hang with her pals. Whichever wants to be done.

My aunt wants to help pay for my Australia trip, but I don't want her to help pay for -my- part. 1/6 of the rough total has already been paid (by me) and I have a thousand to go. The folks are paying the rest. I know I can do it.... I just need to apply myself. Sonia is supposedly going, Leslie Espino and Alyssa Matthews are also going, and I think mom was trying to set me up with some guy on the football team who is also going. I think she's finally given up.

My aunt wants to know which way the water in Australia goes. You know, like down a toilet....

-_-;

I guess yesterday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I got a card from my grandparents... they sent me $50. I've never gotten that much money in the mail, I nearly had a heart attack. Mom and Dad and Becca got me a dart board and some darts. That should be fun....

Now that I'm 17, I can get into those R-rated movies I want to see, buy R and Mature rated movies and games, and rent R-rated movies. This means I can rent the Alien Saga (again....) without being told I have to have parental permission.

I'm still not legal, though. :P

But that's beside the point. The family took me to Perkins for dinner, and I gave dad the free pie I got since it was my birthday. (Hey Amanda, mom wants to know about that "hon" part... she gave me a funny look.)

Although.... I don't know why I had such a hard time getting to sleep last night. I took my meds, they should have knocked me on my ass. But they didn't. I ended up tossing and turning most of the night. And I bombed my Cisco quiz, but I couldn't focus on it. I'm kinda tired.

And hungry, as my stomach has just reminded me.

Got the guts last night to send Amanda a Yahoo!IM while she was logged off. The guts were needed to ask if she wanted to do something after the game on Friday, and I'm still nervous about getting shot down. But it's part of life, and if it happens, then that's just the way it is.

And no, not an actual date.... I said Becca could tag along if Barry isn't there. But if Barry does come to the game (is Potter playing Sidney?.....) then she can't come. Cause he'll want to, and that's a bad idea. For multiple reasons.

I've had five people say "Happy Birthday" to me today: Mom, dad, Kathy, Kelly, and some guy Kathy knows.

God, nothing went right this morning. Alarm never went off, I overslept 30 minutes, the fang putty for my vampire fangs did not work, the black hair spray did not turn out (I had to take a second shower to get it all out), and Becca didn't take care of ANY of the animals before leaving for Mindy's. And from what I've been told, she was late for school by two and a half periods. I'll have to ask around about that... she also picked today to play word games with me over the phone. I'll be kicking her ass for being late for school and the word game. She picked the wrong day to fuck around.

I can't think of anything to look forward to today, even though it's my birthday. Nothing has been good so far. I suppose I can at least hope for no more tearful breakdowns, like the one I had this morning.

I am feeling a ton better. I can finally breath comfortably through my nose. ;P Still hard to talk, but I can manage. Now I've started coughing stuff up. I'm getting better! Hopefully by Friday.

For Halloween, I plan on scaring trick-or-treaters. Mean, I know, but it's fun. Maybe I'll get lucky and scare a few highschoolers (yeah, right). I have a mask in my bedroom that (with my sunglasses) makes a good costume with dark clothing, gloves, and a plastic prop. And besides, I'm a good actor when it comes to things like that.

I had a really wierd dream last night. My sister (and someone else, can't remember who it was supposed to be) were being harassed by.... some other people that I should know but can't remember. I ended up somehow beating the crap out of one guy and chasing the others off. Despite the fact that was an ego-stroking experience, it didn't leave me with a good feeling. Kinda like how you'd feel if you had a big rock sitting in your stomach.

Mrs. Martinez got me to attempt to verbally answer questions in class, but they ended up coming out in rasps and coarse whispers. Apparently, my voice is still shot.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do for lunch..... eh.

Yesterday I was feeling kinda.... down. Empty, lonely, useless. Rejected. Really nasty feelings. My being sick (but recovering) probably doesn't help much. I still can't figure out why I felt like that. I still kind of do, but not to the same degree.

Tomorrow is Halloween Day for the school's Spirit Week. I want to wear that mask, but it's be hard to breath in it. Maybe I'll do what Becca's doing and go as a vampire, except... not exactly like Becca. She's going for the diva/vixen etc. etc. look, I'm going for street/punk. But I can't wear chains.... stupid school rules. We got those fangs that you stick right on your canines, cause I don't like those other fangs. You know, the ones you have to shove into your mouth and they make you drool all over the place and talk funny.

Know what the package the fangs came in called them? "Neck Nibbling Fangs." I kinda raised my eyebrow at that and hesitated when buying them, but I bought them anyway. Becca and I had a big talk about vampires and werewolves when we got home, and I think I annoyed her when I went on with everything I knew about them. Okay, so I'm a nerd, but at least I know my monsters. So nyah!

Couldn't go to work yesterday morning. I was so sick, I could hardly stand up. I did manage to make it to the phone to call Perkins, but then I had to stumble back to my bed to avoid either passing out or killing myself tripping over something. Ended up sleeping nearly all day, and in the late afternoon I was able to clean off my bed. Now I just have to finish the rest of my room. And wash some clothes....

I'm getting the feeling that my birthday is going to suck. Don't know what I want, and I know my grandparents are going to want to get me something. Why can't anyone understand that money, or even just a card, is good enough? I don't get you people, I can't just think up something random to ask for.

It's been four years since I've had a party. Don't know if I want one, I'm too used to celebrating alone. I guess that's what I'll be for my seventeenth birthday. All alone, even with my family around me.

You're supposed to be happy on your birthday, but I don't exactly fit into the mold.

I went by to visit my favorite merchant tent today after school, at Oktoberfest. He was having a huge sale...

He won't be here next year. :( I'm gonna talk to him and his wife tomorrow, see what they're planning to do and all. I might suggest putting up a stall or something at the Denver Stock Show. They'd sell a ton of stuff there, and people there are willing to pay $40 for a piece of 20ft rope...

Bought two knifes, one huge hunting knife and one survival knife. Didn't know it was a survival knife till I accidently unscrewed the handle and watch three matches, a pack with needle and thread, a paper thing, and a pack with fishing line and lures/weights fall out onto my bed. It was kind of surprising. Will be going back tomorrow to buy myself a knew (third!) katana. I've been eyeing them for over three years. He let me pick it up and examine it to try to find any loose or broken parts. Didn't find any. :P

As I said before, Sunday was canceled. Still a bit miffed about that. Didn't get the whole story, I didn't get the chance to ask Amanda what happened. I guess I'll just have to try again (for the whole movie thing). Mom found out it had been cancled, and said if it was really bad between her and her mom that she could either move in with her dad or move in with us once we get the house out at the ranch mostly built. I doubt she'd accept that offer, but you know. And besides, I don't want her to move away. I also don't want her to have to put up with her mom, either. I guess it'd be up to her, I wouldn't blame her for moving away (again...)

I'm feeling kinda sick. Got nauseous at work, I thought I was going to vomit in front of some of the customers. I still have that funny cold-feeling in my chest, and I've started coughing.

I'll be missing the parade tomorrow morning, unless I end up getting sick enough to have to call in. I'd hate to call in sick during a training day, but I'd feel horribly guilty about contaminating someone's food.... or one of the other workers. :P

Gotta go, I have to cut this short. Dad's gonna be home soon... fleh.