Void of Space

When I first heard what happened.... my stomach dropped. My heart just about followed it. I was in a daze for nearly the rest of my work shift. I messed up at least 4 orders in some form or fashion. After what I heard last night ("I hate gays, I'll fucking kill 'em!") I couldn't help but panick.

Then I found out she -let- it happen. She basically told him to do it. At first, I was furious, I didn't know what else to do. But that quickly turned into disappointment.

And depression.

I can't help but think that she -does- know why. It's a gut feeling, and my gut's rarely wrong. I don't want to believe it.... but if it's true.... Then I guess she can't trust me enough to share her problems with me.

Mom says it's not my problem, it's her's. She also said she's angry, but there's nothing she can do about it. (Mom also thinks she did this because she wants attention from her mom, but I got denial out of that one.)

I almost took out my knife.... on impulse and pure habit. But I never used it. I'm too tired.... too sad. All I want to do is cry, because I'm not trusted enough to be allowed to help.

Things like this just... they make me wish for the pain to go away, through any way possible. Even death. But I can't bring it on myself....I can't decide if I'm a coward or not enough of one. I guess I kinda wish that guy in Walmart's parking lot hadn't stopped, even though I had right of way and he was going down the wrong isle.

But actions have consequenses. I'm a selfish fucking bitch to wish for death. If it happened.... my family would most likely fall apart. Mom would go crazy, dad would probably start drinking (or drive himself off a cliff....) and Becca would probably start drugs and smoking and premature/marital sex.

Things I do have an affect on others. But I wish others could remember that as well. It'd make life a hell of a lot easier.

For everyone.