Void of Space

Damnit, why can't I just do it? I've thought about it, thought about it, saved money, even thought of a few places I can go, but I just can't do it.

I am so hypocritical, I tell people that running doesn't solve anything. Yet here I am, still dwelling on plans to run away. For the longest time, I couldn't do it. Then suddenly, there was nothing here that could keep me. Then -she- came along....

Now, that shouldn't be keeping me from leaving. Doesn't share the feelings I have, I don't know when she's telling the truth and when she's not...

God, just kill me now. Hurry up, so I can't quit before you fire me.

Heh, one of Rachael's friends said something funny about suicide. "Suicide is telling God 'You can't fire me, I quit!'"

I can't take much more of this. Lied to so many times, burned, rejected, shot down.... I don't have the mentality for this. I can't take it. I feel like I'm gonna snap. I'm crying... crying over everything. Rachael (god, haven't done -that- in a long time...), Amanda, my grades, the fact that I feel like no one gives a shit... I don't want to go to work, don't want to go to school, don't want to take care of myself, don't want to eat or sleep... I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Not like I'm gonna be missed much. I'll be forgotten, no one'll think long on it. No one ever does.

God, what the hell is wrong with me... I'm never like this. Why did any of this have to happen? Why did I have to speak up? If I hadn't given her that first note.... I wouldn't have gotten hurt. None of this would have happened. I wouldn't be crying right now, I wouldn't be working at Perkins, I'd be sleeping like a normal person, I wouldn't feel like Rachael dumped me all over again....

Just make it go away... that's all I want. I want the pain and heartache and lonelyness to go away... I just want it all to go away.