Monday, February 28, 2005
I've been thinking about getting one (or both) of my ears pierced. If I've got the guts for just one, it'll be my right. For obvious reasons. Then I might get an ear cuff simply to avoid additonal discomfort. I found a few ear cuffs on an online gay pride store. They have a single strand of colored crystal beads that make up a rainbow. And for the actual piercing... I might just have a regular stud. Either that, or a hoop with a teeny tiny upside-down triangle on it.
How, I'm just asking for someone to beat me up. But, anyone who knows me knows I fight back.
I remember the first time I tried getting pierced ears. I was really little, and my mom took me to a mall to have it done. Well.... all they did was stick me in a chair and shoved the needle of a needle gun through my ear. They just put a little dot of ink on there so they got it in the right place. God, lemme tell you, I thought that was painful. It stung and burned and was sore for several hours.
But now I want to try again. And wow, that happened.... over 10 years ago. 11 years... maybe even 12 years. Yeah, it was a while ago, was when me and the family were living in Fort Knox, Kentucky. I had a lot of fun, there. Hung out with the boys and everything, helped beat up some stupid kid who'd come up and bully kids smaller than us. So me and the guys I hung out with would run over to where ever he was and chase him off. The one time he didn't leave was the time he got the snot beaten out of him. He never came back after that. :P
Then... we moved to Louisville. (You pronounce it LOO-vul, not lewy-vill or lois-ville. People there would run you over with their car if they heard you say it wrong). I stayed there for about three years. My first "crush" on a guy there, too. But the rest were girls. It's really weird, he was the only guy I really had a crush on, but he was the girliest guy I have ever known. Very delicate, I took more hits than he ever did. I swear to God I could have broken him in half. I wouldn't be surprised if I went back, saw him, and learned he was gay. I really wouldn't be surprised.
Then we moved here. Been here for roughly 8 years. 8 years of hell, of loneliness, depression... I found out here that I was gay. First dated here, first kiss here... but Sidney's been nothing but hell. I have hardly anyone to support me, just my family and one good friend. I cry myself to sleep, I cry myself awake, I've fought here, nearly got shot here (I did that, actually... the pistol went off in my hand and nearly hit my foot. Haven't touched a real gun since then), I lost my closest friend here. Beau's been gone about a year, maybe a little more. But he was with me nearly my whole life. Every time I think about the way he looked when we had him put down makes me cry.... It was almost like a cross between relief and trust and love, and disappointment and pain and sadness. I miss him so much...
Depression, all these damn pills. I got Cyra in Scottsbluff, from the humane society. She was a gimp, but she looked like the loneliest dog I had ever seen, sitting there in that kennel. I sat down and scratched her on the neck through the chain-link, and then we let her out. She walked around on her own for a bit, then started following me around. We got her, and she was so leery about the car. I had to pick her up and stick her in there. Then.... we found out she got carsick. Me and mom and Becca and Mindy were going to get something to eat. Well, Cyra burped, sort of, and I took it as just a burp. Then Mindy started shreeking, saying "She's throwing up! She's throwing up!" It was just water, mostly. She looked so guilty afterwards, she tried to hide herself in my side. When mom and I sat on the lawn of the public library, Cyra and I played a bit, then I got up to go to the soda machine to get something to drink. When I came back, mom said Cyra practically cried the entire time I was gone. And when we drove home, Cyra fell asleep on my lap.
And then Amanda, and everything that went on between us. First an e-mail or two, then notes, then we started spending time together. Took her little brother to the Dalton Parade, sat and talked in the park, then the rape.... that's really the only way I can describe it. She wouldn't have cried or anything like that if it hadn't been, but everyone else says that it wasn't. I don't know anyone who could leave fist-sized bruises on someone they were supposed to be friends with. And then leave some sick poem in their locker afterwards. (To imagine these bruises, take the palm of your hand and try to make an outline of it on your stomach or arm or leg. Then watercolor it with blue, black, green, and purple. You'll get the general idea.) Then her mom sent her to the psycward (sp?) in Scottsbluff, and I thought I'd never see her again. Then she came back, and I went over to her house to spend time with her after work one Sunday. Came back with a bite mark on my arm... and then she got sick at work one Monday, so I was doing 90-100 mph on I-80 after she called to ask me to take her home. We ended up spending a generous amount of time sitting on a dirt road just talking. That was when she kissed my cheek, but I'm not counting that as "The First." That was... at a friend's house. She had no car at the time, so she was hanging out with me. Went to coffee, pizza, took leftover pizza to said friend's house. Then we just kinda hung out there for a bit. But how it happened... I was just sitting on the bed, leaning on the wall, and she and our friend were dancing. Again, anyone who knows me knows I don't (can't...) dance. So I'm sitting there, and she just crawls over me and it happens. I could tell you each and every place it happened again that night, but then I might sound a bit obsessed. Not what I'd like to come across as. But it ment so much to me, and I still don't know if she was telling the truth when she said it ment something to her, too. There are some things I may have done different, like taken up that offer to "explore", but you know...
And then she left.... just left. She never left me a note, or an e-mail, or a phone call. Just left. I blew up at her over e-mail, and we stopped talking for a long while. That's when I started cutting again. I felt horrible about saying the things I had, and I just wanted to make it all go away. All of it, in the most extreme way possible. Mom found out about my cutting, I was sent back to counseling. Was supposed to go to Scottsbluff to see some guy who could "help" me, but that obviously never happened. That event... was actually worse than when Rachael and I broke up. I don't know why, but it was. There were times I couldn't even go to school, because I was so depressed, and because I would break down and cry when I didn't see her in the halls like before. But when she finally called me, I was too stunned to talk that much. I called her on her birthday to say Happy Birthday, and she said she thought about me when she was at dinner. I want to believe it, with everything I am... but I'm so scared that it could be a lie. I want her to call again, I want to hear her again...
I think I've given nearly my whole life story in this entry.
Maybe I just needed to let some things out... Just got started and couldn't stop. I should feel better.... but digging up all these memories hurts a lot...
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How, I'm just asking for someone to beat me up. But, anyone who knows me knows I fight back.
I remember the first time I tried getting pierced ears. I was really little, and my mom took me to a mall to have it done. Well.... all they did was stick me in a chair and shoved the needle of a needle gun through my ear. They just put a little dot of ink on there so they got it in the right place. God, lemme tell you, I thought that was painful. It stung and burned and was sore for several hours.
But now I want to try again. And wow, that happened.... over 10 years ago. 11 years... maybe even 12 years. Yeah, it was a while ago, was when me and the family were living in Fort Knox, Kentucky. I had a lot of fun, there. Hung out with the boys and everything, helped beat up some stupid kid who'd come up and bully kids smaller than us. So me and the guys I hung out with would run over to where ever he was and chase him off. The one time he didn't leave was the time he got the snot beaten out of him. He never came back after that. :P
Then... we moved to Louisville. (You pronounce it LOO-vul, not lewy-vill or lois-ville. People there would run you over with their car if they heard you say it wrong). I stayed there for about three years. My first "crush" on a guy there, too. But the rest were girls. It's really weird, he was the only guy I really had a crush on, but he was the girliest guy I have ever known. Very delicate, I took more hits than he ever did. I swear to God I could have broken him in half. I wouldn't be surprised if I went back, saw him, and learned he was gay. I really wouldn't be surprised.
Then we moved here. Been here for roughly 8 years. 8 years of hell, of loneliness, depression... I found out here that I was gay. First dated here, first kiss here... but Sidney's been nothing but hell. I have hardly anyone to support me, just my family and one good friend. I cry myself to sleep, I cry myself awake, I've fought here, nearly got shot here (I did that, actually... the pistol went off in my hand and nearly hit my foot. Haven't touched a real gun since then), I lost my closest friend here. Beau's been gone about a year, maybe a little more. But he was with me nearly my whole life. Every time I think about the way he looked when we had him put down makes me cry.... It was almost like a cross between relief and trust and love, and disappointment and pain and sadness. I miss him so much...
Depression, all these damn pills. I got Cyra in Scottsbluff, from the humane society. She was a gimp, but she looked like the loneliest dog I had ever seen, sitting there in that kennel. I sat down and scratched her on the neck through the chain-link, and then we let her out. She walked around on her own for a bit, then started following me around. We got her, and she was so leery about the car. I had to pick her up and stick her in there. Then.... we found out she got carsick. Me and mom and Becca and Mindy were going to get something to eat. Well, Cyra burped, sort of, and I took it as just a burp. Then Mindy started shreeking, saying "She's throwing up! She's throwing up!" It was just water, mostly. She looked so guilty afterwards, she tried to hide herself in my side. When mom and I sat on the lawn of the public library, Cyra and I played a bit, then I got up to go to the soda machine to get something to drink. When I came back, mom said Cyra practically cried the entire time I was gone. And when we drove home, Cyra fell asleep on my lap.
And then Amanda, and everything that went on between us. First an e-mail or two, then notes, then we started spending time together. Took her little brother to the Dalton Parade, sat and talked in the park, then the rape.... that's really the only way I can describe it. She wouldn't have cried or anything like that if it hadn't been, but everyone else says that it wasn't. I don't know anyone who could leave fist-sized bruises on someone they were supposed to be friends with. And then leave some sick poem in their locker afterwards. (To imagine these bruises, take the palm of your hand and try to make an outline of it on your stomach or arm or leg. Then watercolor it with blue, black, green, and purple. You'll get the general idea.) Then her mom sent her to the psycward (sp?) in Scottsbluff, and I thought I'd never see her again. Then she came back, and I went over to her house to spend time with her after work one Sunday. Came back with a bite mark on my arm... and then she got sick at work one Monday, so I was doing 90-100 mph on I-80 after she called to ask me to take her home. We ended up spending a generous amount of time sitting on a dirt road just talking. That was when she kissed my cheek, but I'm not counting that as "The First." That was... at a friend's house. She had no car at the time, so she was hanging out with me. Went to coffee, pizza, took leftover pizza to said friend's house. Then we just kinda hung out there for a bit. But how it happened... I was just sitting on the bed, leaning on the wall, and she and our friend were dancing. Again, anyone who knows me knows I don't (can't...) dance. So I'm sitting there, and she just crawls over me and it happens. I could tell you each and every place it happened again that night, but then I might sound a bit obsessed. Not what I'd like to come across as. But it ment so much to me, and I still don't know if she was telling the truth when she said it ment something to her, too. There are some things I may have done different, like taken up that offer to "explore", but you know...
And then she left.... just left. She never left me a note, or an e-mail, or a phone call. Just left. I blew up at her over e-mail, and we stopped talking for a long while. That's when I started cutting again. I felt horrible about saying the things I had, and I just wanted to make it all go away. All of it, in the most extreme way possible. Mom found out about my cutting, I was sent back to counseling. Was supposed to go to Scottsbluff to see some guy who could "help" me, but that obviously never happened. That event... was actually worse than when Rachael and I broke up. I don't know why, but it was. There were times I couldn't even go to school, because I was so depressed, and because I would break down and cry when I didn't see her in the halls like before. But when she finally called me, I was too stunned to talk that much. I called her on her birthday to say Happy Birthday, and she said she thought about me when she was at dinner. I want to believe it, with everything I am... but I'm so scared that it could be a lie. I want her to call again, I want to hear her again...
I think I've given nearly my whole life story in this entry.
Maybe I just needed to let some things out... Just got started and couldn't stop. I should feel better.... but digging up all these memories hurts a lot...
Did any of it really matter? She said it did, but what if it was just another lie? When I had asked her if what I had been told was true (the threesome) she said it wasn't. Said she had only slept with one person in the last several months, but either that was a lie, or the note she gave me with three different people she slept with was a lie. But either way, she lied...
She lied to me so many times... I don't know who or what to trust anymore. I can't even trust my pendulum or my dreams. They say she never cared, that she would have used me, that none of it mattered.
Does she remember? Does she even think about it? I doubt it affected her like it did me. Does she think about me? Did she really, on her birthday, or was that a lie too? It happened about three months ago... maybe four. November... at a friend's house.
Did it really mean anything?
I feel sick... I'm giving up, really. My stomach is churning, empty, but I'm not eating anymore. Hardly sleeping. I just want to give up. I haven't cut myself since she left... I'm too tired to start now.
Why can't I be happy? Does my lonelyness really affect me that much? What's it going to take to be happy again? Why is she hurting me this much? I should hate her for the lies, but I don't. I... it's the exact opposite. But she'll never feel the same for me, ever... I don't think she even misses me.
If I left, who would miss me? My family, yes... Emma... but who else?
No one....
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She lied to me so many times... I don't know who or what to trust anymore. I can't even trust my pendulum or my dreams. They say she never cared, that she would have used me, that none of it mattered.
Does she remember? Does she even think about it? I doubt it affected her like it did me. Does she think about me? Did she really, on her birthday, or was that a lie too? It happened about three months ago... maybe four. November... at a friend's house.
Did it really mean anything?
I feel sick... I'm giving up, really. My stomach is churning, empty, but I'm not eating anymore. Hardly sleeping. I just want to give up. I haven't cut myself since she left... I'm too tired to start now.
Why can't I be happy? Does my lonelyness really affect me that much? What's it going to take to be happy again? Why is she hurting me this much? I should hate her for the lies, but I don't. I... it's the exact opposite. But she'll never feel the same for me, ever... I don't think she even misses me.
If I left, who would miss me? My family, yes... Emma... but who else?
No one....
Friday, February 25, 2005
Your Seduction Style: The Dandy |
 You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations. Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories. It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you. You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone. |
Hmmm... true, on several points. I think. I should probably ask, but who's gonna say something like that? :P
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
I have a horrible cramp... it's like a really bad menstral cramp, but without the blood and stuff.
Kinda like having someone grinding the heel of their boot or shoe into my gut. Very uncomfortable.
The Pope is calling gay-marriage "evil". Oh well, I've come to the conclusion that marriage if for heterosexuals. And since I don't want to fit in the common mold... I don't think it's something I'd want to do. I'd just have the exact same rights with my partner that my own parents have. (Sad thing is, even my parents say that isn't right. Something about health insurance rates going up for everyone because it's such a "dangerous lifestyle". Fuck that. It's only dangerous because homophobic assholes think it's in their God-given right to go and beat the shit out of someone cause they're gay. If people didn't endanger other people, then no one would have to worry about their health insurance going up. Didn't think of that, huh?)
Wow, mini-rant...
What else.... oh. Er.... hmm.
Was doing some pendulum work last night before I went to bed. Said that everything would go back to "normal", commitments and all that.... just, when I'm in college. Well, -both- in college... so that means I may have to postpone my Ghost Hunt spree until after I get my college/trade diploma.
Australia has all been payed for. Now all I have to do is get my spending money. Once I come home, I'll be able to go back to work to start saving for a motorcycle. Becca and I figured that since I want a sports bike (i.e. Kawasaki Ninja) that those would be lighter and easier to pick up instead of a Harley or a Honda cruiser. But sports bikes are kinda pricey... Maybe I'll get lucky and land a job that pays more than $200 a month. Or my folks will again pay a crap-load on Becca, then feel bad and give me money.
Damn, that's really selfish.
Lately, I've been very... assertive. I guess I've gotten tired of people walking all over me, so I've gone and developed an attitude. Not a bad one, but I think I've shocked some people. I was pretty close to telling Martinez to shut up, since she was trying to make me go up to the board to translate something that I hadn't even reached yet. Needless to say, it was completely wrong, and she's gotten glares and scowls from me since then.
Eh.....
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Kinda like having someone grinding the heel of their boot or shoe into my gut. Very uncomfortable.
The Pope is calling gay-marriage "evil". Oh well, I've come to the conclusion that marriage if for heterosexuals. And since I don't want to fit in the common mold... I don't think it's something I'd want to do. I'd just have the exact same rights with my partner that my own parents have. (Sad thing is, even my parents say that isn't right. Something about health insurance rates going up for everyone because it's such a "dangerous lifestyle". Fuck that. It's only dangerous because homophobic assholes think it's in their God-given right to go and beat the shit out of someone cause they're gay. If people didn't endanger other people, then no one would have to worry about their health insurance going up. Didn't think of that, huh?)
Wow, mini-rant...
What else.... oh. Er.... hmm.
Was doing some pendulum work last night before I went to bed. Said that everything would go back to "normal", commitments and all that.... just, when I'm in college. Well, -both- in college... so that means I may have to postpone my Ghost Hunt spree until after I get my college/trade diploma.
Australia has all been payed for. Now all I have to do is get my spending money. Once I come home, I'll be able to go back to work to start saving for a motorcycle. Becca and I figured that since I want a sports bike (i.e. Kawasaki Ninja) that those would be lighter and easier to pick up instead of a Harley or a Honda cruiser. But sports bikes are kinda pricey... Maybe I'll get lucky and land a job that pays more than $200 a month. Or my folks will again pay a crap-load on Becca, then feel bad and give me money.
Damn, that's really selfish.
Lately, I've been very... assertive. I guess I've gotten tired of people walking all over me, so I've gone and developed an attitude. Not a bad one, but I think I've shocked some people. I was pretty close to telling Martinez to shut up, since she was trying to make me go up to the board to translate something that I hadn't even reached yet. Needless to say, it was completely wrong, and she's gotten glares and scowls from me since then.
Eh.....
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
I didn't mean for it to sound like that.... why is everything I say and do always wrong?
I hate giving up.... because I've always believed that quiters would never make it in the world. But maybe I'm better off just doing that.
Giving up....
This'll be the seventh day of me crying myself to sleep. Or crying myself awake. Or maybe even both. During the day I'm fine, but at night... everything comes out.
I don't know what to do... what else -can- I do?
Nothing...
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I hate giving up.... because I've always believed that quiters would never make it in the world. But maybe I'm better off just doing that.
Giving up....
This'll be the seventh day of me crying myself to sleep. Or crying myself awake. Or maybe even both. During the day I'm fine, but at night... everything comes out.
I don't know what to do... what else -can- I do?
Nothing...
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Why won't she write me? Does she not want anything to do with me anymore?
I think she's too busy for me... work, school.... fiance.
She said I wouldn't loose her as a friend... but if we don't talk.... what am I supposed to think? She promised she'd be there for me, but she isn't.
Why did you lie? Why've you forsaken me? What did I do? Was it because I care and worry? All you had to do was say "Leave."
I'm trying so hard to get by without my medication... but no one is understanding me. And no one's there for me.
I think I'll drown myself in DGate now...
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I think she's too busy for me... work, school.... fiance.
She said I wouldn't loose her as a friend... but if we don't talk.... what am I supposed to think? She promised she'd be there for me, but she isn't.
Why did you lie? Why've you forsaken me? What did I do? Was it because I care and worry? All you had to do was say "Leave."
I'm trying so hard to get by without my medication... but no one is understanding me. And no one's there for me.
I think I'll drown myself in DGate now...
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Mom says she might send me to Boys Town.
All because I don't want to take part in some damn play.
If mom wants me out of here so badly, then I'll just leave.
To bad I have no where to go...
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All because I don't want to take part in some damn play.
If mom wants me out of here so badly, then I'll just leave.
To bad I have no where to go...
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Just had a really weird... experience.
Went to eat breakfast at the cafeteria (even -they- can't mess up cereal) and ate, then went to throw it away. Turned around to talk to Leif, and I hear some middle-school kid behind me, near the door, say "Hey, it's a lesbian!" I turned around to see who it was, but they had already shot out the door. I thought about going after them, but if they ran... wouldn't my going after them only make them run faster? Leif looked out the window and said "Just a bunch of 8th graders." So I said "Oh well, don't know them. But I'll know them next year."
Can't wait for that one. :P
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Went to eat breakfast at the cafeteria (even -they- can't mess up cereal) and ate, then went to throw it away. Turned around to talk to Leif, and I hear some middle-school kid behind me, near the door, say "Hey, it's a lesbian!" I turned around to see who it was, but they had already shot out the door. I thought about going after them, but if they ran... wouldn't my going after them only make them run faster? Leif looked out the window and said "Just a bunch of 8th graders." So I said "Oh well, don't know them. But I'll know them next year."
Can't wait for that one. :P
Thursday, February 10, 2005
What if our friendship doesn't last, either?
I'm so scared I'm going to lose her completely... I haven't heard from her lately. I don't even know if her box got there.
What am I going to do... What if I -do- lose her completely?
I've been so pissy, since V-Day is this coming monday. God, how I hate that day....
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I'm so scared I'm going to lose her completely... I haven't heard from her lately. I don't even know if her box got there.
What am I going to do... What if I -do- lose her completely?
I've been so pissy, since V-Day is this coming monday. God, how I hate that day....
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I haven't gotten a response yet. I hope she's alright. I mailed her a late christmas present/late birthday present. I haven't gotten any word that she's recieved it.
I can feel my depression coming on. It's been happening for a few days now. I've been doing everything I can to make it go away, but I think I'm only slowing it down.
Can't think of much else to write... except the usual. "I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I wanna die..." I think I'm getting sick of myself. There really isn't anything I can do, except take my medicine and hope that something good has come out of this. Other than the return of the little voice saying "See? See? I told you trusting someone and trying to get close to them was a bad idea! See why you should listen to me?" ::shoots it::
Hope
n.
Not something that's here at the moment. It's more like resignated acceptance of something I don't like.
Blah.
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I can feel my depression coming on. It's been happening for a few days now. I've been doing everything I can to make it go away, but I think I'm only slowing it down.
Can't think of much else to write... except the usual. "I'm lonely, I'm depressed, I wanna die..." I think I'm getting sick of myself. There really isn't anything I can do, except take my medicine and hope that something good has come out of this. Other than the return of the little voice saying "See? See? I told you trusting someone and trying to get close to them was a bad idea! See why you should listen to me?" ::shoots it::
Hope
n.
- A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.
- Something that is hoped for or desired: Success is our hope.
- One that is a source of or reason for hope: the team's only hope for victory.
- often Hope Christianity. The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.
- Archaic. Trust; confidence.
Not something that's here at the moment. It's more like resignated acceptance of something I don't like.
Blah.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Should I? Shouldn't I?
I will be mailing something... it'll be late, cause I'm waiting for my DVDs to come that I ordered. Hopefully the box they come in will be big enough.
Slept on my feet all day. Cyra woke me up at midnight, so I had to go take care of that... didn't get back to sleep until 2 or 3 AM... maybe even later than that. I'm exhausted.
Can't think of anything else to talk about. Been pretty boring lately.
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I will be mailing something... it'll be late, cause I'm waiting for my DVDs to come that I ordered. Hopefully the box they come in will be big enough.
Slept on my feet all day. Cyra woke me up at midnight, so I had to go take care of that... didn't get back to sleep until 2 or 3 AM... maybe even later than that. I'm exhausted.
Can't think of anything else to talk about. Been pretty boring lately.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
I don't like this feeling.... single, lonely, miserable..
I can never tell her how much I miss her, how much I care. It's not like she'll leave her for me anyway... who would?
Yeah, that's right.
Gay.Com is being retarded. They won't let me login. :( This is stupid.
I just want someone who is honestly interested in me. Not someone who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, trades pills with Carter, or is after sex 24/7... well, I can live with the sex part, but everything else... I don't think so. Someone responsible and loyal...
I don't think anyone like that exists anymore. They're an extinct race.
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I can never tell her how much I miss her, how much I care. It's not like she'll leave her for me anyway... who would?
Yeah, that's right.
Gay.Com is being retarded. They won't let me login. :( This is stupid.
I just want someone who is honestly interested in me. Not someone who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, trades pills with Carter, or is after sex 24/7... well, I can live with the sex part, but everything else... I don't think so. Someone responsible and loyal...
I don't think anyone like that exists anymore. They're an extinct race.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
That's... really weird. Ever notice how you say something'll happen (or not happen) and then the exact opposite happens?
That, my friends, is a knock-on-wood moment.
I should give her more credit... but I'm not so sure about that engagement thing. Not my life, though...
Hmm... came on here to yammer about something, and now I can't remember what it is... damnit, I hate it when that happens.
Oh! I can't figure out what the hell Yahoo did with my pictures. I e-mailed them to myself, and I think Yahoo ate them.. Blah.
I'm gonna try out Becca's digital camera when I get home. Hopefully the sun isn't coming in funny, or it'll mess the pictures up.
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That, my friends, is a knock-on-wood moment.
I should give her more credit... but I'm not so sure about that engagement thing. Not my life, though...
Hmm... came on here to yammer about something, and now I can't remember what it is... damnit, I hate it when that happens.
Oh! I can't figure out what the hell Yahoo did with my pictures. I e-mailed them to myself, and I think Yahoo ate them.. Blah.
I'm gonna try out Becca's digital camera when I get home. Hopefully the sun isn't coming in funny, or it'll mess the pictures up.
I'm getting the feeling that Amanda won't be returning that e-mail anytime soon. Not that I can blame her.... but I told her I was going to be honest in whatever I did. And I had to tell her that I was having a few problems, that I needed some time to get through a few things, and what I thought of this whole engagement thing.
I still hurt, and I know I cry. When I wake up, I feel exhausted and I have that dried-tear-trail feeling on my face.
It'll be a long while before I hear from her... that makes me depressed, but I can't stop to think on it. I have to keep going, I have to catch up in school and work. Most of my grades are C's, with a few minus', and one B... and an A- in journalism. History, Science, geometry, and spanish have the C's. History surprised me, but the rest didn't. Those have never been my best classes.
I went and joined Gay.com, since I've heard a bunch about it from Rachael and several other sources. Kinda like PlanetOut, just without the comics. ( <3 Bitter Girl. ) The personals on PlanetOut have also seen better days... I'll need to borrow Becca's digital camera, since mine is a $10 piece of shit. Ever notice the profiles with pictures get more hits?
Eh, gotta go. School. Blah. I can't find my english essay anywhere... and it was due yesterday. Potter's gonna kill me. (Yes, her last name is Potter. Please don't laugh. That's mean. :P )
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I still hurt, and I know I cry. When I wake up, I feel exhausted and I have that dried-tear-trail feeling on my face.
It'll be a long while before I hear from her... that makes me depressed, but I can't stop to think on it. I have to keep going, I have to catch up in school and work. Most of my grades are C's, with a few minus', and one B... and an A- in journalism. History, Science, geometry, and spanish have the C's. History surprised me, but the rest didn't. Those have never been my best classes.
I went and joined Gay.com, since I've heard a bunch about it from Rachael and several other sources. Kinda like PlanetOut, just without the comics. ( <3 Bitter Girl. ) The personals on PlanetOut have also seen better days... I'll need to borrow Becca's digital camera, since mine is a $10 piece of shit. Ever notice the profiles with pictures get more hits?
Eh, gotta go. School. Blah. I can't find my english essay anywhere... and it was due yesterday. Potter's gonna kill me. (Yes, her last name is Potter. Please don't laugh. That's mean. :P )
