Void of Space

I am sitting here, in Hilton Garden Inn, using their internet service to check my mail, update my blog, check friends journals, etc. etc. It's actually not so bad, except for the fact that I have little privacy when someone else makes their way in here.

Granny and grandpa will be leaving tomorrow morning to go back to Jacksonville. I'm going to miss them a lot, I enjoyed spending time with them. My PS2 arrived early this morning, so I'll be getting that to work tomorrow when I get home.

I've been extremely moody lately. I've realized just how much I miss Rachael. And apparently, the feeling is mutual. Only thing in the way is distance; I'd like to fix that. But it'd would be -extremely- difficult to choose between her and one other person. I suppose it depends on what sort of relationships are going on and if anything has changed.

Been looking around for a good, used motorcycle. There's Max's Motorbikes (I think that's what it's called) up in Scottsbluff, and we have a Honda store in Sidney (brand new bikes, though, a little pricey). Then there's a bunch of stores down here in Denver. I may look on ebay to see what I can find.

Eh.....

I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

But I had to get it out, I had to let her know. Even if she's giving me the silent treatment, I still had to let her know.

Saying good-bye... is not something I've ever enjoyed. God knows how much I hate that word. How much I hate the concept. How lonely it makes me feel.

But I can't go on like this.

Now... maybe the real healing can begin.

Sometimes, I wish Rachael and I were still together. I was comfortable with her, even with the roles... okay, that sounded wrong on so many levels, and that's not exactly what I ment. I'm too tired and depressed and lonely to be perverted right now.

But I miss Rachael. I miss talking to her as much as I used to. I miss the happy-and-whole feeling I had with her. But maybe what she did was for the best, maybe she's right. I don't like feeling forgotten, though.

I need to go cry myself to sleep right now.

I actually enjoyed Christmas. Never really thought of anyone outside the family until we started eating and some sad-sounding song started playing on the radio.

I got $215 to put towards my Australia trip.

I got a PS2 game. Soul Reaver 2. Supposed to be really good.

Got PS2 extras. A remote and a memory card.

I also got a laptop. It has not come yet, but it should be here soon. All ready to use, supposedly. (I nearly died when I saw the papers they had printed off...)

Becca will most likely be getting my PC, since I will have the laptop.

Playing DGate. I might write more later.

I'm still angry and bitter, the only reason it's gone down a bit is cause I got a Christmas card from Ryo, in Tokyo. It's a Japanese Christmas card, with all these cute little Santa's on it. I'll be writing him back, and sending him a late Christmas card. If it weren't for the fact that I'm gay, I'd probably have a crush on him.

Except, no crushes are going to be coming around any time soon. I'm comfortable being single, I don't have to put up with that relationship drama and crap.

I shouldn't be like this, especially on Christmas.

Picked up Becca's hoodie, I'll be going out soon to look for something for mom and dad. And I have to get Emma's calendar to her. It's got penguines on it (god knows she loves those birds to death). Also need to get a Christmas card for Ryo. It'll be late, but it's the thought that counts.

I've been thinking about getting my hair cut even shorter, but I'm not sure I'd like the way I'd look. Maybe I could dye it or something.

Gotta go. Have to take care of those errands.

Fuck it all.

She hates me... or, she never cared at all.

If she did, she wouldn't have broken her promise. If she did, she would have called. If she did, she would have returned my past three e-mails. If she did, she would never of said what she did, or done what she has. She never would have put me through hell, on more than one occassion.

If she did, she would have at least said good-bye.

Never should have put as much trust in her as I did. This always happens.

Yes, I've now entered the 'Anger' stage of the grieving period.

At least I've learned my lesson. Don't believe anyone, especially if they act like that. I'll just get used, taken advantage of.

That wasn't what I wanted, but I guess she didn't care because of who I am. Was. I'll never be like that again.

I'll be transferring my senior year, most likely. But I don't want to go to any of the schools that are nearby. Can't wait till I can leave, I'm never going to come back. Not for anyone, or anything. The folks won't be in Sidney, either, they'll have left by then.

Mom says one day people'll regret things like this. Feel guilty about the way they treated me. But it's only human nature to be greedy and selfish and lustful and mean. We're just animals. Smart animals, yes, but still animals. The modern world has just warped us. We don't do things like eat and have sex just as a means for survival of our race anymore.

It's just for fun.

Yeah, that's right. I am bitter, I will be for a while. But hey, I'm only human, just like everyone else. It's nature.

So three words; Get Over It.

(Note: This entry is not directed at anyone. So if you think it is, you are sorely mistaken. And have I ever lied? No.)

I'm so scared that she's gone and done what that note sounded like...

My grandparents are here. I've spent most of the day with them. We went to Safeway and did some shopping, and me and grandpa are going to do some cooking tomorrow.

I really don't have anything to write about. Didn't go to school, since I saw no reason to. Also to avoid unwanted attention and depression.

I have avoided the attention, and some of the depression.

Eh. I want my computer back. Or a new video game. Or something like that. But I can't buy anything for myself until after christmas. And even then, I really can't. I still have to save for Australia.

I went and ordered Becca's hoodie. Hopefully, it gets here before Christmas. It's light gray, and it'll say "Bucky" on the back. (That's what I called her when I was really little, before I could speak right.)

Nothing else to write about.

I think... it's time to turn off my phone. She said good-bye, she hasn't responded to my last two e-mails. Disappearing... leaving. Nothing like that helps at all. It won't fix anything, it'll only tear the wound open wider.

Still don't know what happened, what went on... so I don't know what needed to be fixed.

Whatever. Maybe mom's right, maybe I just need to learn and move on. Mom wanted me to get rid of Amanda's Christmas gift, but I just can't. I also can't let this thing beat me. My depression has been so much worse, all because I can't figure out what happened... if I knew, I may not be this bad.

If promises weren't compromised and broken, I'd be even better.

My grandparents will be here today. I need to snap out of this. I need to be happy, or at least act like it. I have a dog that loves me more than anyone else does, or will ever. I have a bird to take care of, who will never fly again (although she's gotten pretty good at bouncing around in that cage). I have to decide if I want to transfer to a different school. I need to get money for my motorcycle riding classes. I need to stop this goddamned crying.

I also need to get my grades back up. And spend time with my family. And figure out why the hell I even have the time and energy to be like this, or do anything.

I need to get my life back on track. I always think I've lost everything, but I haven't. Just a big part of it.

Maybe I was a bit harsh in the below entry... but I don't feel like editing.

Not sure how much longer Becca's computer is gonna last, anyway.

I don't know why she doesn't believe me, though. When I said I was sorry.

I gotta stop talking about this, maybe that's why she doesn't believe me.

But she's the one who wanted to know what went on in my head, so here it is. For all I know, she doesn't read this anymore. For all I know, she doesn't read my e-mails.

For all I know, the note I got from her was a suicide letter and she's six-feet under right now.

...Okay, that's extremely unrealistic, because even -I- don't think she'd go that far. Granted, what she told me she was doing is something that could lead to that, but I've still got enough faith in her to know she won't do that.

I hope...

Can't cut, mom won't let me near anything sharp. Not working at Perkins anymore, and I won't go back there ever. Being there makes me depressed.

I just wish she'd call, though. I want to know that she's alright, and that she's at least acknowledged my apology. Not accepted, just at least acknowledged.

And I want to let her know that she shouldn't be sorry for getting me involved in her "screwed up" life. She's not screwed up... just reluctant to let anyone care about her.

I better get this addy changed, or find something else to talk about. Or she'll think I've gone off the deep end.

She'll never write me back... probably never call.

Maybe mom's right. Maybe...

Maybe I should change the addy to this. Whatever I write, I end up getting notes and e-mails that say good-bye.

Good-bye's are forever, you know. Usually, anyway.

I don't think I'll ever hear her again. I don't think I'll ever see her again.

Becca drew a picture of Beau today. I saw it, went into my room, and cried. I cried over loosing him... I cried over being left. Again.

That's it. I'm gonna live a life of chastity and never get into a relationship again (or try to), never fall for someone again.

... But I think if I did that, I'd commit suicide. That's almost tempting. But I think I'd rather run instead.

She doesn't know... any of it. Not the pain, not the emptiness. Mom is saying she played me... that she probably really isn't calling. "If she didn't actually call you on the phone to tell you any of this, I don't think she means it."

I don't want to believe her.

I think she was joking when she said she'd "send me a bus ticket." I tried asking mom about what my chances were of my being able to go down to Denver for a Pride Fest, and I highly doubt she'll let me go.

Can't wait to graduate. Then I can finally leave. I'll have no reason to come back. I won't come back.

I should be angry at her, for the note and for putting me through this and breaking promises. But I can't... I can only be depressed. And angry at myself, for letting this happen.

I wonder how fast I can get this address to change...

Okay.

Getting the feeling Amanda does not want to communicate right now, and I understand that. The reason I asked for her mailing address is so I can mail her present to her. It's sitting on my dresser, and every time I look at it I get depressed.

But then, certain times of the day and certain smells and certain things remind me of her, so it's basically a never-ending process.

So I'll play mute until she calls.

Which will probably hurt very much, but that gets me thinking about the whole Pandora's Box talk we had one time and there I go again.....

I want my computer back. I want to play DGate and Morrowind again. Well, DGate more than Morrowind, cause I want to see if they've put Wyverns in yet. Which they probably haven't, because they said it'd be Soon(TM). :P

Blaahhhh.

And another thing.....

I am C. I am the one that wrote that. You are free to look in my journal and see many similitaries to how what was written and how I write.

Yes, I did write that fucktard thing. I think it is bullshit how people walk over her.

Although I am humored you think it was Rachael, I think the style of writing and less than 'festive' attitude is clearly unRachael. Lizz can tell you it very C-like, as C is the next Queen of the world.

However, one Rachael would be blessed if one Princess C was indeed sleeping with her, unfortunately, one C lives several thousand miles away.

It does sound like C, now that I think about it. And in a sense, Rachael does get walked on. But she sort of puts herself there, and I've told her not to do the many things she has and wants to do (like dressing hooker-like and going to a party). The Devil thing for Halloween kinda pushed it, but I don't make anyone do anything unless their life -really- depends on it.

Wow, going to Atlanta next Con or so might actually be hazardous to my health.

(I'm enjoying that GOLDE-attitude, C, in case you happen to stumble over this blog. Which you most likely won't, so I'll laugh while I can) :P

(The quote from C is to some girl who Rachael was sort of involved with, who thought Rachael had written something about "fucktards walking all over [her]" after said girl said she didn't want a relationship and assumed that Rachael didn't want her as a friend. Which is actually not very Rachael-like. When you read her writting, you can practically see it bouncing with immeasurable energy. Which is kinda scary.)

It is almost 5:00. Once I get out of here, I'll have to go home and then leave for Buffalo Point. I get to cook! Yay!

I guess I'm kinda glad mom volunteered me to work up here at North Elementary after school. I like helping the kids.

But I can't play soccer with them. I'll make them feel incompetent. :P

Went to Walmart to find something that was quick to make to eat before I went to Cool Kids. Tried the instant mashed potatoes... not the best. But I'm not much of a picky eater, and I'd be able to eat it when I get wisdom teeth removed or something like that. Maybe I should have added salt or milk... but I was in a bit of a hurry. Becca made me a bit late, she wanted to look for sandles. I had to tell her that those were seasonal items, and you won't find things like that in Nebraska in the middle of December.

Not that anybody close to my age listens to a word I say, anyway.

I wonder if I can check FF.Net or FP.Net on these computers...

.......

Nope, can't. Not too disappointing, since this school has K-3rd grades. Some of those stories and poems on those sites aren't kid-friendly.

Now I'm bored.... I can't go to PlanetOut because I'm surrounded by kindergarteners and 1st graders. I've checked every single blog I know of, and one livejournal. (Amanda does not write in hers enough for me to read anything on it. And I can't for the life of me figure out why she put a link on there to my blog.)

Going to go work on my poetry.

Went to see Nancy last night. Ended up crying a bit. Talked about my cutting, and she told me to put effort into my poems to make them positive, instead of dark and angry and depressing.

She also said I shouldn't be this depressed. I should honor whatever sort of relationship I had with Amanda. That I should keep going, keep living, keep trying as hard as I did. That way I'd have something decent to talk about, in case I ever see her again.

(I don't think Nancy knows I was talking about Amanda, but I swear to god that woman has direct access to my brain. We owe each other several cokes...)

My grades have all but hit rock bottom. I seriously need to get them back up. If I don't, I'm screwed in a hundred different ways. My geometry is at a D, and my Spanish is probably worse. Journalism is questionable, and I'm starting to slack off in History and English. God, I need to get my ass in gear.

I'm going to make a serious effort to write positive poems and to get my grades up. I am going to make a serious effort to get myself back to being healthy and independant. I am going to pull myself out of this hole I've fallen into, and I'm going to get back into whatever shape I used to be in when I was younger.

I guess I've been selfish this whole time. She has a life of her own, and I have no right to try to put myself in it. I need to make my own life work.

It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes the pain somewhat managable.

Depressed. But I'm not sure completely why. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Caramel woke me up, so I had to clean out his kennel. And then I kept having these dreams... like someone was chasing me. Or hunting me, or something like that. I didn't like it.

And then, near the end, someone told me to drive to Gunnison, but mom was standing in the middle of the road between Lorenzo and Peetz. So I had to stop, pick her up, and drive her back home. Needless to say, I didn't drive to where I was told to.

Not that I can legally do that, anyway. I have nearly ten months to go before I can, among other things.

And my appetite is gone. Again. :( Still no computer.

I'll be working Thursday as a cook-in-training at Buffalo Point. And I think I have to work only two more days at Perkins, this Saturday and Sunday.

I really don't have anything else to write about... except the usual.

I think I'm going to go to Walmart and get a journal or blank book. To put my poems in. I have a little more than 13, a few are on FictionPress.Net. (SpaceWyvern is the pen name, in case anyone is interested.)

Didn't sleep too well last night... well, haven't slept too well for over a week now, but last night in particular. I kept waking up, and around 4 I got really dehydrated. But I couldn't find the energy to get up.

I should probably start eating healthy. Again. But I'm just glad I have any appetite at all, so I'm not going to push it.

I don't have a computer anymore. :( One of dad's coworkers from Cabela's came by to get it. He's gonna fix it. Make it not-sick anymore. And he'll put some anti-spyware/virus stuff on there, too. I just hope he leaves my pictures and music on there... I won't have it for at least a week. So I can't play DGate or Morrowind.

I'm feeling extremely apathetic. Couldn't care less about my geometry, and I'm tempted to say I accidently left it at home over the weekend. But my grade sucks in that class, so I don't really think I can afford that.

Not that I care, or anything.

Done nothing but write poems all morning. Two (three?) new ones, plus one or two that do not rhyme or anything. I don't think any of them are happy, either. I don't feel that enough to be able to write about it, so I guess I'm just better at writing sad/angry/dark poems.

Mom doesn't like that.

My room is clean! I can see the floor! And it only matters to mom, cause granny and grandpa are staying in there while they're here. I don't really care anymore, doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm glad it's clean, glad I can walk around in it now, glad I can get my computer in there...

But nothing matters to me anymore. Everything just stopped. Well, not -everything-, but most of it. And god, I'm hungry, but my appetite still isn't here. That's kinda weird, being hungry but not wanting to eat.

Eh.

Not sure what the hell happened to my entry on Friday. Hrmph. I'm too lazy to rewrite it.

My cell has never been on this long in... ever. I haven't turned it off since the 5th. I guess it's "just in case". Maybe I keep it on for her, I haven't been able to turn it off.

Maybe its because of what mom said. Said she'd either give her a piece of her mind, or say I'm not there (even if I am). I told her it would do nothing to help, only hurt, but she doesn't always listen.

I'm going to fail geometry and spanish....

Becca was sick over the weekend, and now I think I've got something. Turned in my two-week notice at Perkins, so I won't be working there much longer.

Gotta go, or I'll be late for class.

Mom doesn't think Amanda will call, ever. I keep telling her to stop talking about it, because the thought goes through my head, too.

I want her to call. I want to hear her, I want to actually tell her I'm sorry. I want to be able to sleep at night, instead of waking up after every single realistic dream I have of her.

A couple of days ago... I had a dream that she sent me a message through my phone. Just as I was picking it up to read the message... Cyra barked and woke me up. When I realized it had been a dream, that it wasn't real... I cried. Hard. I'm surprised I didn't wake mom up. I was not happy with Cyra.

And last night, I had a dream she had come back to Sidney. And we were in class joking around and being stupid.

Gotta go.

Three cuts on the left arm.

Three lines of blood.

The three words I should have said. The three words that make up the most misused phrase in the English language. But I would have ment them, with everything I am.

Or was...

It's my fault. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. And because of it... I lost her. I'll never get her back, we'll never be what we were, or could have been. I'll slip back into my depression, do more stupid things. She has no reason to care about me, anymore. Because I acted like a selfish fucking jackass.

I'll get put in the hospital for attempted suicide, or something that looks like it.

The blood is still glistening. Barely. Parts of it are turning black now.

I still care about her... but I don't know if she still cares about me. I wouldn't deserve it, not after the way I acted. I should have been patient, should have asked, shouldn't have said what I did.

But I can't take it back. Ever. I can't turn back time. But I can change. Withdraw from the world, go back to being a silent recluse. Be emotionless, never get close to anyone that would care about me. Never again. I always lose them, always hurt them. Always push them away.

And here she thought she would be the one to do the hurting. But no, it was me. Because I'm thick, stupid... emotional.

I want to leave, never come back. I'm going to quit working at Perkins, there's no reason to stay. I'm sick of the restaurant business.

I'm sick of being unappreciated. A few people do appreciate me, but then I end up turning on them.

Like I did to Amanda.

God, I'm so sorry... I want to take it back. But I can't. I'll never be able to tell her how I really feel. I'll never be able to tell her that it's more than caring. It's more than that.

But never will be. I'll never get that chance again. My appetite is gone, my thirst is gone, feeling is gone... all I feel are the tears and the blood and the pain in my heart.

There is one thing I'm not patient for.

Death.

I want it to come soon. To make all this pain go away. To make the warmth go away. To bring the cold into my body, steal the breath from my lungs.

That's all I want now.

Why does this always happen. First Rachael, then Amanda before we could become more. It's always been my fault, always will be.

I guess... some of us are just supposed to be alone. Live alone, die alone... Always alone.

Alone.

I guess I am blowing things out of proportion. Yesterday was kind of stressful for me, but I don't know why.

Amanda isn't scheduled to work tonight, so I should be able to take her out to eat.

Unless she says no....

I'm so scared that Amanda is going to say no. And probably because she may have to work on Friday night, when I wanted to take her out to eat. But that's what depresses me. She'll call in for work for someone who calls her in the middle of the goddamned night, because they didn't want to wait a few more hours for the sun to rise. But she won't call in for someone who respects her enough to let her sleep (and not call between midnight and 4 AM, or when she's at work, or at school...)

Maybe I'm not important enough. Maybe she doesn't care as much as she said she did. Maybe I'm just being selfish and demanding and jealous. Maybe I'm the one that's in the wrong. Maybe I'm blowing this completely out of proportion.

I shouldn't be like this. But I'm glad I don't listen to warnings as well as many people wish I did. It may not have gotten as far as it had. But I want it to really mean something... to both of us.

My DGate withdrawl is slowly coming back. The need to loose myself in a game has been getting stronger. I'm trying to find some way to cope with the pain and lonelyness; DGate helped. Kind of... It allows me to be something I'm not. To hide from reality for a while.

But Becca's gone and trashed all four of our computers. >_< Dad is supposed to be taking mine in to have it repaired. Then I can play again.

And now I'm depressed... Amanda hasn't told me if she can or can't go to dinner on Friday. I want her to, really bad, but nearly every time I ask to take her anywhere, it's always no for some reason or another.

It's things like that that make me want to let mom send me to live with my grandparents. But there... I can't be myself. I can't talk about being gay, check the sites I frequent... anything like that. That isn't what I want.

I don't want this rejected feeling, either...