Void of Space

I feel sick.

Not ill-sick, like I have the cold or I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Lonely-sick... empty-sick. I had a hard time sleeping last night.

It makes me uncomfortable when people talk about sex with other people. It makes me angry, and upset, and uncomfortable. And sick. I can't help it. After this past year.... I wouldn't be suprised if I eventually became celibate.

Wow, that's sad..

I don't even know if Rachael really is going to come here over the summer. Would it be just because of Pride? Chicago has their own Pride, too. I guess I feel... false-hope? Hopelessness. Useless. Rejected. Unworthy.

This really isn't helping my depression.

And if she did come... what would happen when she leaves? I'd drop into a state of depression so bad, I'd probably stop eating. Again. But I don't have anything I'd use to cut myself, since I prefer serrated things that would hook into the skin and tear it...

God, I don't know what's going on anymore... I don't know what's going on inside, either. My head feels like it's going to explode.

Is all of this my fault? My pain, her pain, all the confusion... is that all my fault?

I still feel like I never should have told her how I felt. None of this would have happened. Does she feel ashamed? Does she regret anything? If I could turn back time, I'd try to keep all of this from happening. Maybe then she wouldn't be so confused and hurt.

I may be a bit more fucked up than usual, but I'm not thinking about "me" right now.

Then again... I really don't know what I'm thinking about anymore.

God... I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so lonely... kinda forlorn. Forgotten. It's not a good feeling.

I need to know someone cares. And I know people do... but there are days where I feel like everyone just ignores me.

Take mom and dad for instance. They tell me to look for a bike, to show it to them, and then we'd talk. Well, I looked for a motorcycle, found one, and had them look at it. So far, neither of them wants to talk.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, you know? Sleep life away... I don't feel that pain in my chest when I dream.

That's really all I have to look forward to, now. Sleep, and dreams that may never come true, and the only break that pain gives me.

I feel broken... or about there. But I don't know who's gonna catch me, or who's gonna bring me back up. Not Amanda, I know that. She hasn't sent me any word for well over a week... She's not there anymore.

I wish I could cry, but I'm too tired... Sometimes I wake up crying, though. They say crying is healthy, but I don't do that too often... and I'm completely alone when I do.

I dunno what I'm feeling, really.

Kinda blah...

Got Alastrine into training today, thank God. Level 12 in sharps and lvl 10 in Focus. Soon I can work on Ying. But she'll need lots of those token things from the OOC games.

Actually, I think I know what I'm feeling now. Alone. Rejected. I haven't heard from Amanda in over a week, she hasn't responded to me. Something is telling me that I won't hear from her for a while. Rachael is... well, Rachael. She's so far away, and after the talk we had...

The pain is there again. Well, it's always been there, but now I'm really feeling it. I miss her, more than I'd ever admit. Mom still isn't happy with her, and she still believes that she hurt me on purpose. But I always say that what she did was for the best, even if I didn't see it at the time.

I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Sometimes... I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up. The pain isn't there when I'm asleep...

Hmm...

I kinda want to see Rachael this summer... but I have my Australia trip. And I want to attend Pride. Maybe I can get her to come down for that? She'd like that. She can do that without asking her folks now, anyway, since she'll be 19.

She'll need gas money, unless she wants to bus. :P

Just really bored. This pimple-thing won't leave me alone. It's going down (finally) but it's hurting. Blah. Trying to motivate myself to finish these yearbook spreads... but I didn't want to work on the yearbook, anyway.

Thinking about transfering schools. Maybe I'll go to Leyton or Peetz. I just want to get out of Sidney. Mom also wants me to take courses at the college over the summer.

Art Guild is going to meet this coming Monday. I have to try to fit that into play practice, work, Virgil's, and home.

Just feeling... I dunno, not bad, but not good either. I really want to talk to someone, but I don't know to who or of what. Just leaning on someone would be good, too.

Urg, cramp... I may do what my Aunt did and just have surgury, have all that stuff pulled out. No more cramps and blood.

Can't think of anything else.

I've been feeling kinda numb, for the most part.

Rachael was bruising herself, instead of cutting, but the outcome and motivation is the same. It makes me so depressed... the people I love and care for the most hurt themselves like this, and there's nothing I can do. I don't know if either of them really understand how much I care about them.

Holy shit, my library fine is gonna make a dent in my wallet... >.<

After Australia is over and done with, my money is going to be going to my motorcycle. I don't want (and really can't have) a big bike, cause then I'd have a lot of trouble picking it up if it fell. And I can't afford a sports bike (the yearly payment of a non-sports bike would be near the monthly payment of a sports bike...) But I want something that's fast, that I can use on the interstate and in town.

I'll just have to see what I can find. I'd like a brand new one, to try and ensure no broken parts, but mom wants to be cheap. That just means I can call her up when it craps out and say "I told you so."