Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I think I've finally figured out Amanda's birthday date. But since I'm not totally positive, I'm gonna count again.
I guess I want Amanda to move in with me and the folks once she turns eighteen, since the house out at the land is supposed to be livable by then, or close to. But.... I'm not sure she'd want to. I mean, the house is going to be south of Sunol and Lodgepole, and it's a good ten to fifteen minute drive (if you drive the speed limit or below, anyway...) And besides... well, I dunno. I just get that nasty gut feeling about it. The one that says "Yeah, right, not gonna happen, keep dreaming." I wish I could shoot it, but if I did I think I'd hurt myself.
As usual, whenever I go with mom to Bob and Audry's, they get into these huge, animated, religious discussions. So when I don't have to stand still and be measured, or talked to, I go to a different room to walk around and think.
I guess I'm doing that a lot lately. Just having a bad week (started on Sunday) and it hasn't gotten much better. Amanda and I have been able to spend some more time together, but.... some things have happened that I'd rather not talk about. If I did talk, I'd either get into trouble or go into a friggin' rage, or both.
I wish I knew what to do... but I don't. And I'm scared, and worried that I'm doing no good at all and just making things worse. That's probably what I do best. Just make things worse.
I guess I want Amanda to move in with me and the folks once she turns eighteen, since the house out at the land is supposed to be livable by then, or close to. But.... I'm not sure she'd want to. I mean, the house is going to be south of Sunol and Lodgepole, and it's a good ten to fifteen minute drive (if you drive the speed limit or below, anyway...) And besides... well, I dunno. I just get that nasty gut feeling about it. The one that says "Yeah, right, not gonna happen, keep dreaming." I wish I could shoot it, but if I did I think I'd hurt myself.
As usual, whenever I go with mom to Bob and Audry's, they get into these huge, animated, religious discussions. So when I don't have to stand still and be measured, or talked to, I go to a different room to walk around and think.
I guess I'm doing that a lot lately. Just having a bad week (started on Sunday) and it hasn't gotten much better. Amanda and I have been able to spend some more time together, but.... some things have happened that I'd rather not talk about. If I did talk, I'd either get into trouble or go into a friggin' rage, or both.
I wish I knew what to do... but I don't. And I'm scared, and worried that I'm doing no good at all and just making things worse. That's probably what I do best. Just make things worse.
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