Void of Space

Why is it that I've done so much and have so little to show for it? Was I a terrible person in a past life, and now karma is after my ass? What did I do to deserve everything that's happening to me?

Is it because I'm gay? Does being gay give me enough reason to not deserve anything?

Why can't I just find someone to be happy with? Is that too much to ask for?

What the hell.... no one's listening. No one's going to read this... She's not going to read this. Ever. Why do I even bother? She's not intersted in me... no one's interested in me.

And I'm not talking about Rachael, either.

I don't know what to do anymore... I don't have anyone.

Rachael doesn't care... if she did, she'd talk more, about something other than some stupid thing that happened in DGate. Or at least try.

I have no one to love me here in Sidney, aside from my family. But that's not what I'm looking for. Besides, most if not all of these so-called "lesbians" in Sidney are probably just playing, anyway. I don't need someone who's just gonna use me like all the rest have, then toss me aside when they're done.

Or cheat on me.

Sometimes... sometimes I wish I could just die, or something would happen that would land me in the hospital for a long time. Something that would just take me away from everything, take away the pain. I'm past the suicide stage, I'm not stupid enough to do that. Besides, that's the cowardly way out. And I'm not a coward.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life... hell, even my kid sister has a boyfriend, someone loyal to her that will love her and not let her down. I should be happy for her... but how can I be happy for someone when I can't even be happy for myself?

I used to be happy... I was happy for nearly a year. Then it was taken away, all because she didn't want to try to make it work. She didn't want to fight for it. God, I even had to tell her to fight for her current (past?) relationship with some other girl. I had to tell her, she couldn't do it on her own.

If she wants someone to love and to love her back, she sure as hell better be determined enough to fight for it. She had her chance with me, and she let it go. She won't have another, so she damn well better make her relationships work.

You don't deserve what you don't fight for, and I fought hard. But it just wasn't enough.

Rachael, if you're reading this (Why am I saying this? Why the hell would you read this? You don't care) you better take this to heart. Learn from it, and fight for what you want.

I'm done fighting... now I just want to die.