Void of Space

I am bored. I am in a world of pain, physically and otherwise.

This seems to be a normal occurance, now. The pain part.

I have a sunburn. It's a rather nasty one, wearing a shirt has suddenly become a very painful experience. My head it hurting, my chest is hurting and my lower back is hurting. And after what a friend said, my feelings hurt too. Yeah, I miss her. But that's old news. Whoever can't tell needs to get with it.

Oh yeah, I'm hurting. This burn is making me cranky.

I made $31 today at Virgil's. That's twenty more than yesterday.

Worked at the house site with mom. We cleaned out part of the sunroom in the basement and took a bunch of wood scraps to the dumpster. This is where I got my sunburn. It's weird, only my back got it. Not my arms or face or front. Just my back.

Weird.

My pendulum is missing. I don't know where the heck it's gone. It's never fallen out of my pocket, not ever, and it chose yesterday of all days to do it. I was all over town yesterday... I can't find it anywhere. I just hope someone isn't tampering with it... mom gave it to me. Short gold chain, golden Aisian Lung at one end and a jade crystal piece at the other. I feel really lost without it... sorta like how a fortune teller would be lost without their runes or cards or crystal ball. It helped me get through hard times, helped me find answers (and let me tell you how cool it is to have something like that give you an answer, and you learn it yourself soon after.) I don't want to get one identical to it, that'll make me feel like I'm replacing it.

I'll just... have to get another, if I don't find it. But I hate feeling like I'm replacing it like I would an old pair of shoes.

Now I'm depressed. :(

:(

PrideFest was actually a lot of fun. I haven't felt that relaxed, that calm, that... normal... in a really long time. I didn't feel like I stuck out, or was too "different".

Mom was with me, but that was okay. She had fun, too. We watched the parade, saw guys in leather... mom was kind of weirded out by people who had pierced body parts other than the ears (she saw a guy with his nipples pierced), but that was about the worst that happened. She was actually really talkative with lots of people...

And, the shock of all shockers... I ran into Amanda. Almost literally the first time, I don't think she recognized me. Then I said her name, and she stared at me as if thinking "Do I know you....?" and then it hit her. "Oh my god!" It was good to see her. I was... scared, not knowing where she was. I got angry, when I learned she had been... mistreated by her boyfriend, but then I felt a bit better when she told me what he ended up with. I'm scared I'm not going to see her again... but if this highly-unlikely-but-somehow-possible encounter happened, why not others?

Maybe we "won't have the chance to be something" as she told me once, but we can still be friends. And I want her to know that I still care, and feel, and that I'll still be here, no matter what happens or what people say. That she means as much to me as Rachael does.. And that I'll be there next year. (And I'm also planning on going on the AIDS Walk.)

I got a few pride items. Mom bought me a black shirt that says PrideFest on it in rainbow-colored letters, and we managed to get two little rainbow flags, and I have a brown rubber bracelet thing that says "Stoli PrideFest 2005". I also went to the Urban Fusion After-Pride party they were having for people 16-24, but I could only stay an hour. Several people came, but since it was still "early", there weren't a whole bunch there. Didn't see anyone I knew or thought I knew, and I have a thing about dancing like that with people I don't know... actually, I have a thing about dancing in general, but I'm getting better about that.

Next year, I'm coming down by myself with my dog and staying longer. And I may as well meet up with some people, or bring someone down with me. Something like that.

Ugh, tired.

Hah.

Ever think it funny how people rip into others who can "barely read" or "can't speak good english" or are "idiots", and yet use that goddarned "u" and "ur" for "you" and "your"?

Go back to school.

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.



Anyway, I am leaving tomorrow for the Pride Field Day and PrideFest in Denver. Not planning on seeing Amanda, cause I have no idea how her summer is planned or what's going on with her or anything... I'm worried she's trying to push me away. That she doesn't want anything to do with me. That I'm not good enough.

Yeah, I'm bitter right now. Even if I care as much as I did before.

Got my hair cut shorter. Didn't think I could look more like a guy than I did, but I managed. :P Two girls in the girls locker room seriously thought I was a guy. "Uh, this is the girls room..." "Yeah, I know. I'm a girl." That was funny.

Can't really think of anything else to say... I'm sad that Rachael couldn't come to visit this summer. Something about her medication. I don't think things'll be the same as they were before, when we were dating. I still love her, but I'm getting the feeling that it won't the same.

Oh! I'm transferring to Peetz. They're having me come in Wednesday to take a placement test. I said it was a competence test. But either way... yay! No more Sidney! SUCKERS! :P ::dances:: (kidding)

That's about it.

You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next Door Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

I don't know if I should go to Pride... Rachael can't come, because of an incident with part of her medication... but I really want to go.

I guess I was sorta looking forward to this for a few months. Pride and all, and getting to finally see her. Now I just have to wait longer.

Haven't had my own pill in over a month. I just don't care anymore. I had a huge breakdown today, early this morning. I'm glad I made it to the hotel room in time, cause I refuse to let people see me like that. I just can't do it.

I am missing $100. I have no idea how it disappeared. It was in my bag one minute, in the hotel room of a friend's mom, and then I went to the beach. When I came back to get it so I could do some shopping, it was gone. That was supposed to be for getting my board back to the mainland. Now I have to bum money of someone to get it back, and then I have to pay them and one other person back (the other person got me into tonights Luau. It was alright, but I was still depressed).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so... alone. Depressed. Empty. Abandoned. I don't know how to handle anything anymore.

Maybe... I'll go to Illinois. Maybe I'll see Rachael after Pride, and work... maybe I'll even show up on the doorstep.

I dunno.

Gotta go.

Yawn.

We were on the bus all day long today. It was an EXTREMELY long day. I'm tired of sitting next to guys who can't keep their bodyparts to themselves, and I'm tired of people touching me when I don't want to be touched.

I'm feeling like a bitch. I've blown off steam playing Time Crisis 2, but that wasn't enough. I'll go to the weightroom before I go to bed. I'm sore, but I'm very pissed off, for practically no reason.

My being lonely isn't helping the situation.

I have a new shot glass. It's from the Bay Coast area, and it was a whale on it. We saw a whale, he was putting on a show. He was jumping out of the water, sort of. Never jumped high enough for my camera to catch him, but I think I got him coming up to get air. And the splashes, I got those, too.

Today was very boring. We watched a movie about kangaroos on the bus. One of the baby roos died. :( His mom wasn't a very good mom.

I better go find Jason. Maybe he isn't going to be a little brat this evening. Or get buzzed of JD, or something...

I'm feeling really depressed. I miss my family and the animals, I don't have any Zoloft with me, and I just want to sit down and cry. I'm upset, alone, and I don't know what to do. I'm not hungry, since I ate a huge dinner last night and had scones as big as my fist and grilled fish for lunch today.

Ate at the Hard Rock Cafe last night. It was actually really good, and no smoke what so ever. I had a shake (and coughed up $8 to keep the glass) and a huge bacon cheeseburger. Then I bought a black denim jacket from the gift store.

We had an all-day tour today. Took three 4WD buses up into the mountains. There's nothing right about turning your head to look out the window and realize you're staring at the dirt. I nearly got sick on that ride, and I haven't been carsick since I was really little. It was fun, though... can't crack an Australian stockwhip to save my life, but I was the best boomerang thrower in the group. (I think I prefer the Spanish bullwhips. Those wooden handles on the Australian version throw me off on the cracking time...)

Maybe my moods lately have been because of my period. I week before, I'm moody--usually irate-- the week during, I am either irate or depressed, and the week after, I am usually depressed. I think there's one week out of every month that I'm normal. I wish I could go swimming, but I don't think anyone wants me to bleed in the pool/spa/ocean. Eh. :(

I better finish up so I can check the postboards before my time expires.

Infatuation at its worst...

We are now in Australia. Brisbane, Australia. I've bought a lighter for myself, a magnet for Leo, and a large amount of postcards. And food. I better not spend any more money for a few days.

I've messed up my wrist pretty bad. Not sure what happened to it. One night, it was fine, then I went to sleep, and it was killing me the next morning. I've got it wrapped up in a bandage right now.

I'm not old enough to go into places like Hooters or Showgirls :( So I can't go clubbing, and I feel out of place with the older people. Four months short of being 18...

The people from Florida had commented on how they felt like outcasts. I guess I should eventually let them know that they aren't the outcasts... I'm still excluding myself from any outings, even though I try to go out and do things. But I just wasn't feeling so hot this evening, other wise I would have gone out with them. Again.

Gotta go, tired and a bit sore. Almost done with my book.