Monday, July 25, 2005
Why do I feel like this? I shouldn't feel like this. It's none of my business if she does whatever with whoever. Movies, party, games, or otherwise. None of my damn business.
She isn't mine anymore... sometimes I wish she could be, but... I don't know. I want her back, but I'm scared that....
Well, I'm scared I'm just gonna be used again.
I wish these feelings would just go away. I don't want to feel, it hurts too much. I cry, I bitch, I beg... and I hate myself for it. I hate Fate for it, and I hate Life for it.
People tell me it would make sense for me to be angry at her, or hate her as well. But I can't... I just can't.
I wish I knew what to do, or how to handle this. Or what to say... what to think.
(I don't know if you can see this... or if you understand. I like to believe you really care, and mean what you say, and I'll keep it up no matter how many times people verbally thrash me for it... I don't want to be left behind, damnit...)
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She isn't mine anymore... sometimes I wish she could be, but... I don't know. I want her back, but I'm scared that....
Well, I'm scared I'm just gonna be used again.
I wish these feelings would just go away. I don't want to feel, it hurts too much. I cry, I bitch, I beg... and I hate myself for it. I hate Fate for it, and I hate Life for it.
People tell me it would make sense for me to be angry at her, or hate her as well. But I can't... I just can't.
I wish I knew what to do, or how to handle this. Or what to say... what to think.
(I don't know if you can see this... or if you understand. I like to believe you really care, and mean what you say, and I'll keep it up no matter how many times people verbally thrash me for it... I don't want to be left behind, damnit...)
Saturday, July 23, 2005
I've felt like a caged, wild animal. I can't help it. I feel trapped... I want to be free.
Legally, I can't be completely "free" until... what, 25? Stupid. You are deemed worthy to die for your country at 18, but you can't sign a damn contract or rent a car till your 21 or 25...
I suppose I just want to get out. Experience life for myself, find someone who I'm happy with... thing is, the one I (still) want told me not to tie myself down to her. It was a long time ago, well over a year, but I still remember it. I remember the empty painful feeling, the loneliness, the utterly lost feeling...
And I remember thinking that it was too late.
I don't even know if she still wants me. I still feel the exact same feelings for her as I did when we were dating.
She knows who she is....
************
The infection that was in my right eye is finally gone. Now I can wear contact again.
Dunno where Matt went... the guy who cuts my hair. I've tried to get him to pierce my right ear since Wednesday, and apparently, I ask too many questions. I supposedly made him too nervous to pierce my ear.
So I had a bad experience in the mall when I was little.... I just had "a few" questions. ;) Maybe I'll catch him tomorrow.
Nothing else for now.
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Legally, I can't be completely "free" until... what, 25? Stupid. You are deemed worthy to die for your country at 18, but you can't sign a damn contract or rent a car till your 21 or 25...
I suppose I just want to get out. Experience life for myself, find someone who I'm happy with... thing is, the one I (still) want told me not to tie myself down to her. It was a long time ago, well over a year, but I still remember it. I remember the empty painful feeling, the loneliness, the utterly lost feeling...
And I remember thinking that it was too late.
I don't even know if she still wants me. I still feel the exact same feelings for her as I did when we were dating.
She knows who she is....
************
The infection that was in my right eye is finally gone. Now I can wear contact again.
Dunno where Matt went... the guy who cuts my hair. I've tried to get him to pierce my right ear since Wednesday, and apparently, I ask too many questions. I supposedly made him too nervous to pierce my ear.
So I had a bad experience in the mall when I was little.... I just had "a few" questions. ;) Maybe I'll catch him tomorrow.
Nothing else for now.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I've seriously fucked up.
Never should have done that.
She said it was alright... but deep down, I knew it wasn't.
Goddamnit.
I'm turning into the kind of person I hate so much... the crude, rude, annoying, disgusting freak of a person. And I hate myself for it.
God how I hate myself.
I can't find any knives...
I don't know if she'll read my e-mail... she shouldn't bother. It's just another apology.
At this point... I don't think going to stay with her after I graduate is such a good idea.
Why? I'll just hurt her.
I don't mean to... but it just happens. I'm just as bad (if not worse) than the people who've walked all over her.
If there is a god, they hate me. A lot.
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Never should have done that.
She said it was alright... but deep down, I knew it wasn't.
Goddamnit.
I'm turning into the kind of person I hate so much... the crude, rude, annoying, disgusting freak of a person. And I hate myself for it.
God how I hate myself.
I can't find any knives...
I don't know if she'll read my e-mail... she shouldn't bother. It's just another apology.
At this point... I don't think going to stay with her after I graduate is such a good idea.
Why? I'll just hurt her.
I don't mean to... but it just happens. I'm just as bad (if not worse) than the people who've walked all over her.
If there is a god, they hate me. A lot.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
I don't feel good...
Not sure if it's the sick not-feel-good or something else.
I tried eating eggs... yesterday? The ones from mom's chickens. My body didn't handle that too well. I'm pretty sure I came close to puking them back up.
Got zapped by the electric fence today. Actually, it was more than a zap. I think it was closer to being electrified. I had my hand on the metal gate and touched the chain to close the gate. Had no idea that the chain was touching the fence, and let me tell you, it hurt like hell. I felt everything inside just stop, and I jumped back several feet and started yelling and cussing. I nearly scared mom's horse out of her mind. Oh man, it hurt... I couldn't make my hand work for a few minutes.
What else... oh. Started working at Buffalo Point again. Tara Davis took my job as assistant cook, so I was booted down to dishwasher. But technically, I'm still a "senior officer". And it's not too bad. I'm still paid $6 an hour, tuesday through Saturday, from 5-10+ in the evening (but until I quit Virgil's, it's 8-10+...) Still, it'll be a frequent paycheck, and I could definitely use the money.
I still feel sick...
Was talking to Amanda a few minutes ago, but now I'm talking to her girlfriend Christy. Or, was. I think at this point, opting to "speak when spoken to" is a good idea.
I think I've let something slip.
Doubt I can make the drive to see Rachael, unless she can manage to come to Omaha and meet me halfway. Winter is starting to look doubtful.
Damnit.
Still not feeling good.
In fact, I think I'm feeling worse.
That feel-bad feeling has now mixed in with a feeling of loneliness/negativity/guilt/etc. etc. -other things of bad nature.
Urg...
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Not sure if it's the sick not-feel-good or something else.
I tried eating eggs... yesterday? The ones from mom's chickens. My body didn't handle that too well. I'm pretty sure I came close to puking them back up.
Got zapped by the electric fence today. Actually, it was more than a zap. I think it was closer to being electrified. I had my hand on the metal gate and touched the chain to close the gate. Had no idea that the chain was touching the fence, and let me tell you, it hurt like hell. I felt everything inside just stop, and I jumped back several feet and started yelling and cussing. I nearly scared mom's horse out of her mind. Oh man, it hurt... I couldn't make my hand work for a few minutes.
What else... oh. Started working at Buffalo Point again. Tara Davis took my job as assistant cook, so I was booted down to dishwasher. But technically, I'm still a "senior officer". And it's not too bad. I'm still paid $6 an hour, tuesday through Saturday, from 5-10+ in the evening (but until I quit Virgil's, it's 8-10+...) Still, it'll be a frequent paycheck, and I could definitely use the money.
I still feel sick...
Was talking to Amanda a few minutes ago, but now I'm talking to her girlfriend Christy. Or, was. I think at this point, opting to "speak when spoken to" is a good idea.
I think I've let something slip.
Doubt I can make the drive to see Rachael, unless she can manage to come to Omaha and meet me halfway. Winter is starting to look doubtful.
Damnit.
Still not feeling good.
In fact, I think I'm feeling worse.
That feel-bad feeling has now mixed in with a feeling of loneliness/negativity/guilt/etc. etc. -other things of bad nature.
Urg...
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
And then, I was a bit more serious on the sex part....
I don't think the icons were.... :P
Cute and entertaining, none the less. I think I like the top one, more... maybe. Or, most of the top one.
