Void of Space

I'm finally pulling myself out of that extreme low I fell into on Friday. Or maybe it was Saturday... can't remember. Still not sure about what put me there. Then again, maybe I'm just scared to admit it, accept it.

Still haven't let Wednesday go. Every time I think about it, I can't help but smile. And then I get to thinking about everything that happened between then and now... I can't shake the feeling that it didn't mean as much as I wanted it to. That she really does want me to hate her. That she's trying to get me to leave.

I was told not to be afraid to explore. But... I can't. In any way. Not while she's still with him. I stopped trying to understand the logic behind that one... It gives me headaches and makes me feel sick in the stomach. Angry. Depressed... I wanted to, -want- to, but that's holding me back.

.........

No, it would never have happened. Probably never will. I doubt she'd want to, I doubt she'd go along with it.

I'm over Rachael, now. Took me a very long time. Lots of cuts, blood, tears, sleepless nights, but I managed. I've finally moved on. But now, I think... I might have someone else to get over. And nothing even happened.

When is this going to stop... I don't want to take anymore of this. How much of this can one person take?

Last night was a bit more eventful than I had planned for it to be. Got a call on the cell as I was driving home from the land, still on the dirt roads. The speaker said she needed a ride home, and I said I'd be there soon.

I was. In roughly ten minutes. Going from the ranch to Sidney is supposed to take 20 minutes. I cut it in half.

Picked her up, dropped Becca off at home, and drove her home. I think we spent more time talking in the parked car than driving. I've never really talked with someone like that. I enjoyed the time I spent with her, and I'd like to say that I understand her a bit more. I was as open as I could make myself, I don't think I've ever been that open with anyone.

I hope she's feeling better, she felt like she had a temp when I dropped her off at her house.

Know what my new hobby is?

Beating the shit out of anonymous people who leave notes on my blog without names. Who respond to entries left a good while ago. Especially if what they're basically telling me is "Go do everyone a favor and kill yourself, already!"

Do us all a favor; get a life. It's a blog, recordings of what happen to me. Don't like it? Think it's stupid? Don't read it. Simple as that.

It's people like that that are going to flush the human race down the toilet.

Ready? Set! Flame!

I'm suffering from withdrawl. From multiple things. DGate, food/nutrition, attention, communication... the list goes on.

See? Look, I can't even find anything to write about. Hrmph.

That lonely feeling I've been having all week hit an all-time low today. :( I can't make it go away. I can't use my computer or mom's computer, cause Becca trashed them both. Neither can use the internet. So I can't talk to anyone, or check my offline messages on Yahoo. And no one ever calls the house or my cell for me, not even my friends. Don't go anywhere with anyone, cause whenever I try to make plans, they backfire. And no one invites me anywhere, soooo....

Kinda depressed. Can't motivate myself to play any computer or video games, and Becca's computer would probably explode if I tried to play DGate on it.

Damnit, life sucks. I wanna quit. But that could be painful. Eh.

God, I am so fuckin' pissed. I worked so hard on those six drawings for my woodburning, and now I can't find them. GRRRRRR! Now I have to redraw them.... :(

Bleh. And I have to work tonight. Don't wanna.... And I want to sleep in tomorrow, but I have to work. At Perkins. At 8 in the morning. ::whines::

It's -really- freaky when those online horoscopes are so friggin' accurate.

Sad. The internet (and total strangers...) know what's going through my head when even -I- don't know what's going through it.

I did a little Christmas shopping yesterday after school. Got Amanda's present. It is.......


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Hahahahaha! Not gonna say, cause I know she reads this thing! Neener neener neener! But there is meaning behind it, since that's what she wanted. And altogether, it wasn't very expensive, either.

God, I am on such a sugar rush. Except... I haven't eaten anything. Maybe that's it.

Today I'll be cashing a few paychecks to do some more shopping. Still need to get Becca that hoodie she wants. I'll be getting it at Shirt Tales, and have "Bucky" printed on the back. That's what I called her when I was a toddler, before I could say "Becky" properly. She'll hate me for it, but she walked right into it. :P

Never had ACTPrep last night. I have to go talk to the principal about that. So I was kinda bored last night. I (mostly) cleaned out the passenger side of the front of the car. Now all I have to do is the back, and vaccuum. And get all that stuff out of my trunk.

I found Beau's leash on the floor last night. I picked it up, carried it to my room, and cried a little on my bed. I miss him... I had that dog since I was a baby. I grew up with him. There were days that he was the only one that really loved me. He didn't want to go like a normal dog, we had to put him to sleep. I love Cyra and all, but nothing is gonna replace Beau.

God, I think I'm about to cry. And here in Cisco class, of all places.... Everything is just building up, all the actions of different people (or lack thereof, depends on how you look at it) Talked with mom a little last night, before I went to bed. Almost cried there, too. Talked about Beau, other... people. We finally changed the subject to college ("I want to go to a two-year, THEN a four-year." "No! Four-year, THEN two-year!" "I'm the one going to college!" "I'm the one who'll be paying for part of it!") Friendly arguments. :P

Don't wanna do my math.... blah. I hate proofs. With a passion.

That was a load of fun. Nearly 20 minutes late to Cisco because the police and their drug dogs were taking their time in the hallway. Not sure if they busted anyone, but if they did, I'll be sure to hear about it within the week.

Not that I'll share names. Gotta protect the guilty and all.

I should probably get myself to eat again, but I haven't had a good enough appetite for a week now. I'll try eating something during lunch, but when I get home I'll be searching the pantry for something that'll get me back on track.

Feeling kinda "blah." Not really caring about my math. A bit pissy cause I couldn't find my deodorant this morning. Grrrr. And all but one of the rooms I've been in during school has been hot.

Ick. Not pleasant.

Why am I so depressed all of a sudden?

She'll never want anything to do with me. Never call, never visit, never ask me to do things with her. Not when she has all those people flocking around her, calling her, giving her attention, begging her to be theirs. Guys and girls.

I don't do what they do because I don't like it. And besides, I'd just be used. Just like the rest of them. And I'm sure several of them are using her. But there's nothing I can do, that chance will never come. I've asked so many times... and each attempt is brushed off by some reason. I've given up, I've stopped trying...

I started taking care of myself because I thought I had a chance. My acne became barely noticable as a result. I stopped wearing my glasses and started wearing contacts. I cut my hair short. I got my braces removed (well, that was more for myself. I hated those things). I did everything I possibly could, I even tried forcing myself to open up. But I think that blew up in my face... I don't want to tell anyone about my pain, don't want to talk about it. Cause I can't handle it. I can't talk to just anyone about it, I have to be comfortable with them. Lack of time together usually makes it hard to be totally relaxed around them.

I'm scared I'm slipping into my old habits... games, computers, RPGs. Those were the things that helped me cope with the pain. I managed to pull myself out of it when I dated Rachael, managed to keep myself out of it when we broke up... but I'm still hurting, and it isn't Rachael anymore.

I think I'll go do that. Cope. Before I totally lose it.

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!



Pointless post, waste of bandwidth, I know I know.

But so what? Neener neener neener!

I've been trying to think up different things to do as a hobby, but none of them seem to stick with me very well. But I think I've found something.

I've always liked working with wood, I don't know why. I like using sanders, and I like to burn things (wow, that could be scary...) So, I've decided to put the whole thing together and try wood burning. Walmart has kits for it, and I know plenty of places to get wood from. All I need is the equipment.

Wish me luck. :P

(And, as a side note, I like... other things. Some people have noticed how well I use ropes and... stuff. But god, the longer I think about it, the farther my mind goes into the gutter. So I'm gonna try to finish my math. ^_^; )

Never Be There

Cannot trust, don't want to see
The painful truth of the reality
You're like the rest, refuse to try
You would not care, were I to die

Your friendship with me, just a ploy
To you, I'll always be a toy
You're like the others, always behind my back
Compassion and sincerity is what you lack

You'll never keep your promise, never be there
Yet you wonder why you're never treated fair
Let me tell you, you are a fake
I know this, but my heart continues to ache...



It's not directed at anyone, I was just really depressed and angry when I wrote it. So many people have made the "always be there" promise to me, and so very few have kept it. But... I'm extremely grateful to those who've kept their promise. They should know who they are, but if they don't, they need to talk to me. :P (I'll give two hints, though. One is my Buddha-loyal friend, and the other is the one I share the "elephants don't fly" joke with. They have kept their promises. Thank you so, so much.)

I feel really... depressed. I was supposed to be off work at 1:15, but I never got out until 4-5something. Did not have a good day, was not supposed to come in due to being sick (but I did. Apparently, I'm a lifesaver. Had I not come in, they would have had only 4 (5?) people working the floor. Which would have been really nasty today). I got my ass kicked over and over and over again...

And I'm using my sister's computer. It sucks, really bad.

I'm also feeling, I dunno, lonely. More of a depressed-lonely than the need-someone-here-lonely. I haven't had one day that has been totally good since.... well, can't remember. It's been a -long- time, though.

I was so close to losing it today in Perkins. I was on the brink of tears. I was tired, sore, sick... I almost couldn't take it. I was shaking and having a hard time breathing. No one has ever seen me cry... the only people not in my family who've seen me cry have been Emma and her folks. And that was when Rachael broke up with me, which was in... March. Over half a year ago.

Weekend? What weekend? What "fall vacation"? Didn't have one, I worked the whole time. Or slept, depending on my health condition. I did not go out anywhere, with anyone. No one came to see me, no one invited me anywhere, no one called me. I did nothing for myself, it was all for other people. Some weekend... ;_; ;_;

I don't wanna be sick again.... :( My stomach has been hurting for over 24 hours. Mom thinks I have a bug.

Taking a purity test that Rachael posted on her blog. I swear, things like this are gonna get me into trouble.

......*500 questions later*......

They get pretty nasty towards the end. Had major deja vu, and realized it when I was answering the drug questions. I was 87.4% pure at question... 424. I'm dirty, not sick. Loyal, too, so no, I wouldn't want to watch my partner having sex with someone else.

Not that I need to worry about that now, anyway.

Total? 87% pure. Due to lack of experience and the fact that I've never cheated on anyone, drugged, gotten drunk, used animals, or used anything... dirty. As in clothing-dirty, i.e. unwashed.

Hahahahahahah, too bad they're rating on things actually -done- and not anything going on in my head. But I think I'll go now before I get depressed for various reasons.

(want to take it? http://www.puritytest.net)

Yech, I hate it when my hair gel makes my hair look like I haven't washed it. It didn't dry right, and it's made my hair all oily. Eeewwww....

I'll have to wash it (again) before I go to the theater. After I come back from the ranch. After school.

Eh.

Note to self: Amanda is hard to buy for :P

I wish... I could have that chance. But I'm so scared of being used. I want to make it better, but something keeps telling me not to.

Mom gave me a Dragon Pendulum. I'll be putting energy into it to get it activated, then I have to get it started with the "yes" and "no" responses. So it doesn't accidently try to poke my eye out when I ask it something. And I need to do it alone, since I have to focus.

Mom and I (and maybe Becca) are going to the movies tomorrow. We agreed that she would see The Incredibles if I went with her to see Polar Express. I grudgingly accepted.

.....

Let me say that I do not like watching movies in Spanish. Why? Cause... they're in Spanish.

Your Life... Your Choice

You see me, yes, but can you see you?
Stop looking for someone, to yourself be true
If you allow, I'll tell you what I see
You've spoken, now the pendulum's on me

Before me, a shell, bitter and cold
Gone is the knowledge you could hold
You let it go, as dust to the wind
From your painful ways, you do not bend

Hurt not only others, but yourself as well
Why put yourself through this foolish Hell?
You hold onto people who, for you, care not
And allow relations with those who care rot

Stop killing yourself, every cut and stab I feel
I'm not alone, others wish for you to heal
People you'd never guess, never get to know
You need to find something to make you whole

Be it a loved person, place, or thing
We want you to play, dance, and sing
You have the ability, They gave you a voice
Don't run. Fight. But it's your life... your choice


I do understand... and deep down, so do you. Running never solved anything. Fighting... working for what was wanted and believed in... that did.

My week sucked like nobody's business.

I'm not sure I had 15 hours of sleep the whole week. I was running on sugar and caffiene and adrenalin. I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare for most of the week. Trouble is, I can't remember what most of them were about.

I know a few were twisted combinations of multiple zombie movies and Tremors. But I didn't read or watch anything related to either.

The others, I'm not sure I want to know... I woke up in cold sweats, pounding heart, and on the verge of tears. The bird startled me so bad, one time, that I nearly fell out of my bed.

But I went to see The Incredibles Sunday night. It was my night to be a little kid, and that's exactly what I was. I haven't been like that for over 4 years... about when I stopped trick-or-treating.

Gotta go.

I think I've finally figured out what sort of tattoo I want. When I turn 18, that is.

Becca drew a bird using only lines and curves, no actual detail. I tried that (found out it was actually kind of easy) so now I'm gonna see which runes I want to put on it and how. Maybe I'll do just two and stick it on the side of the bird... breast, whatever it is. I think it would look kinda neat.

Mom said "Well, I guess it would be a good identifying mark..." I asked her if she was trying to tell me something, and she just shook her head.

I wish mom would understand that I'm not like other "out" homosexuals. I'm not even completely out yet. I don't display my sexuality, don't talk about it with complete strangers, don't broadcast it... it's not a lifestyle to me. It's just who I am. Goth is a lifestyle. Religion can be a lifestyle. Farming and ranching is a lifestyle. Not sexuality. It just -is-.

I better stop while I'm ahead here, huh?

Yick, my hair is all nasty. I washed it very recently, too, damnit. It's starting to get all stringy, and I hate it when it does that.

I'll have to take another shower when I get home.

Bush won.... eh. But I'm not old enough to leave the country on my own (unless I run away, but that's not entirely too smart). I'll be drinking age by the time he gets out of office.

Pointless post brought to you by... me!

I feel... I dunno, down I guess. Not as descriptive as I wanted, but that's the best I can do right about now.

It'll always be no. Don't know why I try. I really should give up, even other people are telling me this. But I've never given up on anything. Accept being straight.. I stopped trying to do that.

I suppose I feel a bit empty, too. Numb. Hell, I wish.... numb would be good right about now. I have that pain in my chest... the empty/lonely/rejected/worthless pain.

Why the hell am I even bitching about this? I walked right into it, damnit. I saw it and didn't stop. Now look at where it's gotten me. I feel horrible, useless. Forsaken. And I'm still not backing down.

In a way, I'm as stupid as she thinks she is.

I wish... that this would all go away. Disappear. I wish I knew how to make it go away... other than through death. But if that were to happen... I'd end up stuck here. A ghost, a hateful and vengeful spirit. That's not what I want.

But I don't want this, either.... here's a poem. Wrote it yesterday.

Do You Care

Do you care about what happens to me
Or do you refuse to believe what you see?
Why can't you see my pain, plain as day?
What force causes your hand to stay?

The pang of lonelyness bores into my soul
My heart's fire, now a pit of worthless coal
What have I done to deserve your rejection?
Why must you be the object of my affection?

You've tossed me aside like so many before
This monster, you cannot possibly adore
For a time, I thought you different from the rest
Has everything you've done to me been out of jest?

Forsake my soul, seems what you decide
In me, you just can't seem to confide
Try as I might, I can't win your love
My soul will never fly as the dove.

It's kinda depressing. Becca thought it was good, though. Certainly describes how I feel. But I won't back down from the promise I made her.

A friend, nothing more.

Eh. Getting back to that apathetic stage. At least I'm not at the suicidal depression level. Glad I didn't do any lower.... I would have sunk like a stone in the water. A very heavy stone.

I should really finish my geometry... maybe I'll do that after I'm done with this. Still don't care about geometry, but I'm working to get my other grades up. Geometry can just shove my apethetic attitude up its ass.

Hahahah, that was funny.

My boots should be here by middle of next week. I'm still pissed about them not being here in time for Halloween. Blarg. At least I'll have a custome to use when I finally attend a Ren-Festival. I'll even have weapons. Working on getting a staff or spear... I'm leaning towards a voulge/fuchard/halberd type of weapon, since polearms are my favorite types of weapons, under swords.

Gonna work more on that story Emma wanted me to work on... after my geometry. I have my character all set up, now I just need her's and Shyla's.

I've made up a list of people I'm going to get Christmas presents for. I'm thinking about making a few sets of runes for a few.... I just need to decide who. Gonna get Becca a hoodie, since she wants one (well, no, she wants a bunch.) But I am dreading Christmas... I have to scramble to help get the house cleaned for when Granny and Grandpa come to visit. I think I can do it, though, mom and I nearly had the whole house cleaned a week before my birthday. Then it got messy again. And know what? The majority of that mess belongs to.... mom. All of my mess is in my room, where it's supposed to be.

I'd be cleaning my room tonight, but Perkins asked if I could come in to work in case Dalayna (did I spell that right?) can't make it. And even if she does, they want me to work. Apparently, they tried to call me last night to ask to work then. But I wasn't home. I was at the ranch fighting with a rooster. Damn asshole bastard, I'm tired of them trying to tear me apart! GRRR!

I better get on that geometry....