Void of Space

He's gone... Beau's gone...

I woke up this morning, and I knew he wouldn't be sleeping in his bed. But I still cried.

Yesterday we took him to the vet. The entire drive there... he had no idea what was going on, or what would happen. He was chewing on my hoodie sleeve when we parked in front of the vet's building. I took him outside so he could walk around a bit and be outside before I took him into the building.

They put him to sleep using gas, then used a needle to inject that stuff into him. He passed on at 4:40 pm Mountain Time..

Damnit.

Beau's going to be put down today... I feel so alone now.

I don't have anyone to talk to, except my own family. I could always talk to Derek, and it's not that I don't want to, but I want to talk to someone I feel close to.

Problem is, I don't have anyone that I feel that close to anymore. I was left for someone else. Probably for the best anyway, I just need to learn to rely on myself instead of others. I suppose I'm going to get a hard lesson on that one...

But Beau... he's been with me my whole life. It'll be like losing my best friend (no matter how much common sense he's lost...) and it'll tear me apart. I don't know how long this give-give deal is going to last, but I want it to stop. I'm tired of doing all these things and having nothing to show for it, or getting nothing in return.

I guess that's kinda selfish of me, but it would get anyone down. Kinda discouraging, huh?

God, I feel violent today... I'm wishing everyone ill. People at school, people living near my house, even people I don't know.

On a lighter note... I earned nearly $100 working four days last week at Buffalo Point! Now the amount saved is $600. ANd hell no, I'm not going to Chicago. That's just asking for punishment, and I really don't want to try to visit someone who doesn't want anything to do with me anyway.

And if she did, she'd e-mail me or something. She knows damn well I can't find as much time to get on AIM as I used to. I guess mom's right, maybe I am better off.

I still wish I didn't feel so violent and... furious. I have nothing to be furious at, or violent towards.

Made up a new character for Dragon's Gate. San Elf Magi of Fire. Maybe she and Vasuki will be my new mains, with Alastrine in as second.

Heh, don't ask, I'm just wasting space. :P

Never mind that other girl, and never mind Rachael. Rachael's forgotten me, and really does already have a new girlfriend. Or a crush that will probably turn into a girlfriend real soon.

God, just kill me now...

No, wait, scratch that. I guess I could try to hook up with Drew... He's a nice guy, from a nice family... maybe I can finally get myself back together. Maybe I can go back to being straight instead of gay. Hell, maybe God really is helping me. I asked for help shortly after Rachael left, and I guess He heard me.

I suppose I really do want a chance with Drew. Hopefully, I'll be able to put all of this behind me. And maybe my sex drive, too.... hehehehe, I was kidding on that one. -_~

My hormones are going out of control. I have no idea if I'm gay, straight, bi, or even asexual. This is going to be a very miserable last three weeks of school...

I'm scared to get into another relationship. I'm scared of being hurt all over again. I don't want to go through that pain a second time. I almost didn't make it the first time. I was loyal to her, I thought of hardly anyone but her, I talked to her and supported her... now she's left me and doesn't even e-mail me. She KNOWS it's hard for me to find internet time, and I can't chat on AIM/AOL on the school computers. Damn school board rulings and damn firewall...

And I'm betting that I'm forgotten, and she's probably already got a new girlfriend.