Sunday, January 30, 2005
I'm starting to feel miserable. After that e-mail I sent Amanda. I basically told her that I can't hear from her anymore, cause it hurts and I need some space and time to think and get things straight.
I must have been a horrible peson in a past life.... Karma is really out to get me. That's really the only reason I can think of as to why I have to be like this. I must have used someone badly, or led someone on, or something... what comes around goes around.
I don't know if I made the right decision. But I need to think. And if I hear from her, it'll only make things harder.
Nancy says I need to decide what relationship I want, which one is most likely to happen, and what really happened. She says she feels I was led on. And I don't know anymore. I know what relationship I want, but I also know that a snowball has a better chance in hell than I do at a chance at that sort of relationship.
This hurts....
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I must have been a horrible peson in a past life.... Karma is really out to get me. That's really the only reason I can think of as to why I have to be like this. I must have used someone badly, or led someone on, or something... what comes around goes around.
I don't know if I made the right decision. But I need to think. And if I hear from her, it'll only make things harder.
Nancy says I need to decide what relationship I want, which one is most likely to happen, and what really happened. She says she feels I was led on. And I don't know anymore. I know what relationship I want, but I also know that a snowball has a better chance in hell than I do at a chance at that sort of relationship.
This hurts....
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Mom wants me to stay away from Amanda... she says she'll just drag me down.
Nancy says I need to seriously think about what sort of relationship I want, and what sort of relationship I'm likely to get. Nancy also said she thinks I'm being led on... and sometimes, I can't help but feel that way as well.
She says she cares, but she doesn't say how. Sometimes, I wonder if any of it really ment anything, like she said it did. I want her to prove them wrong... but it'll be a cold day in hell before she does that. Besides, she's engaged...
No one really wants to hear my opionion about that one. I don't think they've been dating that long, unless she's cheated on everyone and lied to me. Which has already happened, but there may be more...
I need.... to get out of here. I need to find someone worthwhile, who isn't going to lie to me or use me or lead me on. Someone who's responsible and loyal and understanding, and caring...
"There is someone out there for you, but he's not it. Just stop looking so hard, you'll find him when the time is right." That's what mom said... I have no right to say that to Amanda, but engagements are serious. You're engaged to someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. If you want that... that's fine, no one can stop you. Just don't regret it later on.
"Regret nothing, at one time you wanted it."
This is gonna hurt... but if I don't say anything now, I never will, and I'll sink like a rock.
God, what should I do....
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Nancy says I need to seriously think about what sort of relationship I want, and what sort of relationship I'm likely to get. Nancy also said she thinks I'm being led on... and sometimes, I can't help but feel that way as well.
She says she cares, but she doesn't say how. Sometimes, I wonder if any of it really ment anything, like she said it did. I want her to prove them wrong... but it'll be a cold day in hell before she does that. Besides, she's engaged...
No one really wants to hear my opionion about that one. I don't think they've been dating that long, unless she's cheated on everyone and lied to me. Which has already happened, but there may be more...
I need.... to get out of here. I need to find someone worthwhile, who isn't going to lie to me or use me or lead me on. Someone who's responsible and loyal and understanding, and caring...
"There is someone out there for you, but he's not it. Just stop looking so hard, you'll find him when the time is right." That's what mom said... I have no right to say that to Amanda, but engagements are serious. You're engaged to someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with. If you want that... that's fine, no one can stop you. Just don't regret it later on.
"Regret nothing, at one time you wanted it."
This is gonna hurt... but if I don't say anything now, I never will, and I'll sink like a rock.
God, what should I do....
Friday, January 28, 2005
I don't understand....
Why would someone "commit" themselves to someone who'll, in the end, bring them so far down that no one would be able to help them? Why wouldn't someone give that chance to someone who really cares?
I don't get it...
Why am I crying? Why should I cry? Should I shed tears for someone who... didn't want me? Never wanted me?
I'm just... going to give up. Why should I keep going? Who should I keep going for? I've never done anything for myself, ever. I've stayed away from people to keep them safe, to save them time... society doesn't need me. No one does.
Why...? Why does this hurt so much? Why do I want to die? And why won't I stop crying? Goddamnit... I can't stop. I hurt so much... and all the blades I have are too big. One wrong move and it's through the bone.
Wasting away... sounds like a good idea. Painless, actually. The hunger pains only last a week, two at the most. No blood. You just get tired, and weak. I don't like dehydration, though, that's not pleasant in my opinion. Been like that once, wasn't fun. The treatment wasn't, anyway...
Who'll miss me, aside from my family? I mean, who'll cry over me, for more than a week? I don't know.... everytime I think about it, I cry. The lying, the leaving, the pain... Who's pain is this? Is it really mine?
God, it's not stopping... what do I do?
What can I do? It's not like people listen to me. They say they care, but they don't. And if they do, they don't show it very well.
Why does everything I have to hear about her.... come second hand? Why can't she ever actually tell me? First time through a computer, the next several times was through someone else...
Whatever. Maybe none of it mattered. THIS doesn't matter...
How much can one person take? Physically, mentally, emotionally... spiritually. How much? Can't turn to the Holocaust, all the people that took it all are dead. Survivors don't count, they didn't take it all. I'm not saying they didn't suffer through hell, cause I know they did. But when your body takes as much as it possibly can.... it dies. That's just what happens.
How do I know? I don't know.... I really don't. I know things I shouldn't, understand things no one else does.
Indigo child.... catchy name. But what have I got to contribute? Nothing.... nothing at all. But if someone thinks of something (other than organs and blood, etc. etc...) let me know...
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Why would someone "commit" themselves to someone who'll, in the end, bring them so far down that no one would be able to help them? Why wouldn't someone give that chance to someone who really cares?
I don't get it...
Why am I crying? Why should I cry? Should I shed tears for someone who... didn't want me? Never wanted me?
I'm just... going to give up. Why should I keep going? Who should I keep going for? I've never done anything for myself, ever. I've stayed away from people to keep them safe, to save them time... society doesn't need me. No one does.
Why...? Why does this hurt so much? Why do I want to die? And why won't I stop crying? Goddamnit... I can't stop. I hurt so much... and all the blades I have are too big. One wrong move and it's through the bone.
Wasting away... sounds like a good idea. Painless, actually. The hunger pains only last a week, two at the most. No blood. You just get tired, and weak. I don't like dehydration, though, that's not pleasant in my opinion. Been like that once, wasn't fun. The treatment wasn't, anyway...
Who'll miss me, aside from my family? I mean, who'll cry over me, for more than a week? I don't know.... everytime I think about it, I cry. The lying, the leaving, the pain... Who's pain is this? Is it really mine?
God, it's not stopping... what do I do?
What can I do? It's not like people listen to me. They say they care, but they don't. And if they do, they don't show it very well.
Why does everything I have to hear about her.... come second hand? Why can't she ever actually tell me? First time through a computer, the next several times was through someone else...
Whatever. Maybe none of it mattered. THIS doesn't matter...
How much can one person take? Physically, mentally, emotionally... spiritually. How much? Can't turn to the Holocaust, all the people that took it all are dead. Survivors don't count, they didn't take it all. I'm not saying they didn't suffer through hell, cause I know they did. But when your body takes as much as it possibly can.... it dies. That's just what happens.
How do I know? I don't know.... I really don't. I know things I shouldn't, understand things no one else does.
Indigo child.... catchy name. But what have I got to contribute? Nothing.... nothing at all. But if someone thinks of something (other than organs and blood, etc. etc...) let me know...
Monday, January 24, 2005
She called! I really hadn't expected it, but she did! I had started to think that she would never call... but she did. I'm glad she did. I got a few things figured out (like she is not in Denver, has been and will be doing things I wouldn't, but it's not my right to object.) Now that I've heard her.... I'm feeling much better. Mentally and emotionally, mostly. Physically is a whole 'nother bucket of crap; I feel like what's in that bucket.
She's got a girlfriend... but I've refused to get into another long-distance relationship. At least she isn't alone.... it still made me depressed, but on another level, relieved. Maybe I don't have to worry as much.
Of course, I don't listen very well.
I still miss her... and I still miss my chance. But at least she's alright. Maybe now that I've heard her, I can look forward to seeing her again. I'd like to see her at Pride, in case we both go... but I don't want to hold my breath for that one. Mom still isn't sure about letting me go, and Amanda said she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it.
But I've heard her. I feel better... But it's weird. For a while there, I had begun to give up everything. And now, all of a sudden, I've got the will to go on a bit longer.
I'm not so sure about this feeling...
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She's got a girlfriend... but I've refused to get into another long-distance relationship. At least she isn't alone.... it still made me depressed, but on another level, relieved. Maybe I don't have to worry as much.
Of course, I don't listen very well.
I still miss her... and I still miss my chance. But at least she's alright. Maybe now that I've heard her, I can look forward to seeing her again. I'd like to see her at Pride, in case we both go... but I don't want to hold my breath for that one. Mom still isn't sure about letting me go, and Amanda said she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it.
But I've heard her. I feel better... But it's weird. For a while there, I had begun to give up everything. And now, all of a sudden, I've got the will to go on a bit longer.
I'm not so sure about this feeling...
I am home sick. Not homesick, home sick. As in, I am at home, sick. Ill. I've wanted to vomit all day, I have so much stuff dripping down my throat... yuck.
I am also bored. Ryo wrote me back, it was good to know he's alright. I haven't heard back from Amanda, but... you know. I'm not going to push her for a response, she's probably busy keeping her own life together.
Cyra is barking her head off. Again. I can't figure out what it is she's barking at. Better not be that asshole Chad, cause if he puts one finger on my dog..... let's just say his spiffy truck won't be so spiffy once I'm done with it.
Been playing Fable recently, for the XBox. It's actually a pretty neat game. My character is "good", and he's got bright blonde hair instead of the original dark brown, and he has a halo over his head. And there are these damn annoying butterfly things following him around. I may make another file and try out an evil character. Or somewhat evil character.
My english should be done but it's not.... god, I hate doing something someone else's way. Damn note cards, damn outline.... blaaaahhhh.
I can't wear my contacts for a week, then I have to try them out one more time to see if I'm allergic to them. I wanna keep my pereferal vision. :( I appreciate it when someone says I look cute in glasses, but I wanna see.....
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I am also bored. Ryo wrote me back, it was good to know he's alright. I haven't heard back from Amanda, but... you know. I'm not going to push her for a response, she's probably busy keeping her own life together.
Cyra is barking her head off. Again. I can't figure out what it is she's barking at. Better not be that asshole Chad, cause if he puts one finger on my dog..... let's just say his spiffy truck won't be so spiffy once I'm done with it.
Been playing Fable recently, for the XBox. It's actually a pretty neat game. My character is "good", and he's got bright blonde hair instead of the original dark brown, and he has a halo over his head. And there are these damn annoying butterfly things following him around. I may make another file and try out an evil character. Or somewhat evil character.
My english should be done but it's not.... god, I hate doing something someone else's way. Damn note cards, damn outline.... blaaaahhhh.
I can't wear my contacts for a week, then I have to try them out one more time to see if I'm allergic to them. I wanna keep my pereferal vision. :( I appreciate it when someone says I look cute in glasses, but I wanna see.....
Friday, January 21, 2005
Grrr, I am so angry at Becca right now, she won't drop her snobby little attitude. It started at the barn, and when I finally got tired of it, I told her to stop and grow up. She said she already was, and that I needed to, and I told her to knock it off. Again, she repeated that she was "already grown up" and I retorted with "I wasn't the one who treated my boyfriend bad."
Granted, I haven't been in an official relationship since Rachael and I broke up, and I'm not gonna say anything about Amanda and I. (Mom thought we were, but I said it never happened. And it didn't, wasn't set in stone or anything.... and now maybe there's no chance.)
Okay, that made me depressed. I want to cry right now, but I'm too tired. And hungry. But I don't have an appetite. Weird, huh? Hungry but no appetite.
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Granted, I haven't been in an official relationship since Rachael and I broke up, and I'm not gonna say anything about Amanda and I. (Mom thought we were, but I said it never happened. And it didn't, wasn't set in stone or anything.... and now maybe there's no chance.)
Okay, that made me depressed. I want to cry right now, but I'm too tired. And hungry. But I don't have an appetite. Weird, huh? Hungry but no appetite.
Monday, January 17, 2005
I am in a very bad mood.
I am tired of people treating me like crap. Dad needs to mind his own business. You'd think Becca would be grateful for everything I've done, but no. She treats me like something you'd find in a trashcan.
God, I cannot wait to graduate. I'll be out of here faster than you can spit... as soon as I find someone to stay with.
I have taken it upon myself to learn Japanese. Something I've been meaning to do for a while, actually. And since no one will get me something like the Rosetta (sp?) Stone -- language learning system, in case you're wondering -- I'll just teach myself. With the help of books and online sources and a few translation dictionaries. (And maybe Ryo. Please? :P )
Yawn...
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I am tired of people treating me like crap. Dad needs to mind his own business. You'd think Becca would be grateful for everything I've done, but no. She treats me like something you'd find in a trashcan.
God, I cannot wait to graduate. I'll be out of here faster than you can spit... as soon as I find someone to stay with.
I have taken it upon myself to learn Japanese. Something I've been meaning to do for a while, actually. And since no one will get me something like the Rosetta (sp?) Stone -- language learning system, in case you're wondering -- I'll just teach myself. With the help of books and online sources and a few translation dictionaries. (And maybe Ryo. Please? :P )
Yawn...
Saturday, January 15, 2005
What does it mean... to believe someone? Does it mean to have faith in them, that they'll do the right thing, and make the right choices? Or does it mean to believe every word they say, as if it's set in stone?
Maybe... it is the former. To have faith in them. Just because they don't always keep their word... doesn't mean they don't do the right thing. Maybe... sometimes, maybe it's for the best that one's word isn't kept.
Knowing this doesn't take the hurt away.
'Tori couldn't believe in me... I let him down. He's dead... because of me. I should have paid more attention, should have taken better care of him. But I didn't. It's all my fault....
My eye is getting better. I can finally use it. Both eyes are extremely light sensative, though... I have to wear my sunglasses, even inside at night. At least I'm not wearing a patch anymore.
Alastrine is finally at lvl 11 sharps. And lvl 9 Focus Force. Maybe now she can fight back, like she's supposed to be able to. She'll be joining in a scenario that's focused on rebuilding the Poor Quarter of Spur. (Of course, I don't think any of you know what the hell I'm talking about, huh? Just write it off as babble)
My mood is very... blah. And I'm still trying to get over the fact that I nearly became what my character is. A one-eyed pain-in-the-ass. That's a joke, by the way. You're supposed to laugh.
But seriously.... I could have lost the sight in my left eye. If I hadn't gone to the doctor when I did... I could have actually lost my eye. Then I would be wearing a patch to school.
More later, if I'm coherent. Don't count on it.l
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Maybe... it is the former. To have faith in them. Just because they don't always keep their word... doesn't mean they don't do the right thing. Maybe... sometimes, maybe it's for the best that one's word isn't kept.
Knowing this doesn't take the hurt away.
'Tori couldn't believe in me... I let him down. He's dead... because of me. I should have paid more attention, should have taken better care of him. But I didn't. It's all my fault....
My eye is getting better. I can finally use it. Both eyes are extremely light sensative, though... I have to wear my sunglasses, even inside at night. At least I'm not wearing a patch anymore.
Alastrine is finally at lvl 11 sharps. And lvl 9 Focus Force. Maybe now she can fight back, like she's supposed to be able to. She'll be joining in a scenario that's focused on rebuilding the Poor Quarter of Spur. (Of course, I don't think any of you know what the hell I'm talking about, huh? Just write it off as babble)
My mood is very... blah. And I'm still trying to get over the fact that I nearly became what my character is. A one-eyed pain-in-the-ass. That's a joke, by the way. You're supposed to laugh.
But seriously.... I could have lost the sight in my left eye. If I hadn't gone to the doctor when I did... I could have actually lost my eye. Then I would be wearing a patch to school.
More later, if I'm coherent. Don't count on it.l
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
This is a bunch of shit.
I have a fever. I feel like I am going to vomit. My stomach hurts like nobody's business, and all of this is really hammering on my depression.
Fuck it. This place can go to hell.
Yes, I am in a bad mood.
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I have a fever. I feel like I am going to vomit. My stomach hurts like nobody's business, and all of this is really hammering on my depression.
Fuck it. This place can go to hell.
Yes, I am in a bad mood.
My parents are fighting, and it's making me depressed. Dad needs to stop being suck a jackass. And I'm feeling lonely again, and I hurt. Why are they fighting? Why do they always have to fight?
No wonder I'm depressed
I hate it when people wake me up before 6:30. It upsets my sleeping pattern, and then I'm tired when I go to school.
I think I'm getting sick. I don't feel to well....
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No wonder I'm depressed
I hate it when people wake me up before 6:30. It upsets my sleeping pattern, and then I'm tired when I go to school.
I think I'm getting sick. I don't feel to well....
Monday, January 10, 2005
I am starting to feel sad again.
DGate is lagging on me. This is also sad.
I am not doing my English. This is more disappointing than sad.
I feel lonely, and I need someone to talk to. Anyone'll do, I just need someone who'll listen.
Eh.
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DGate is lagging on me. This is also sad.
I am not doing my English. This is more disappointing than sad.
I feel lonely, and I need someone to talk to. Anyone'll do, I just need someone who'll listen.
Eh.
Eh. Sleep was extremely fitful last night. I woke up sore and exhausted.
I think Alastrine has become my new main on Dragon's Gate. She got her Noble status (is no longer 22... tear. She's now 43. Which is kinda sad. Another tear) and she was accepted into her Temple's Order of the Eagle. Armswoman, and neither me nor the character are to keen on the 'woman' part. I mean, what woman in DGate has as many scars as she does, and one eye? None, as far as I know. But anyway, she'll be my new main.
I need to get her skills up. Highest is lvl ten... -_-;
I have to work tonight. Blah. But I also need to get a new timesheet. And then I have to pull 30 notecards out of my ear for English.
Should be working on my maaaaaathhh.....
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I think Alastrine has become my new main on Dragon's Gate. She got her Noble status (is no longer 22... tear. She's now 43. Which is kinda sad. Another tear) and she was accepted into her Temple's Order of the Eagle. Armswoman, and neither me nor the character are to keen on the 'woman' part. I mean, what woman in DGate has as many scars as she does, and one eye? None, as far as I know. But anyway, she'll be my new main.
I need to get her skills up. Highest is lvl ten... -_-;
I have to work tonight. Blah. But I also need to get a new timesheet. And then I have to pull 30 notecards out of my ear for English.
Should be working on my maaaaaathhh.....
Sunday, January 09, 2005
I am sad. For various reasons. I do not want to talk about it right now.
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Thanks Emma, I owe you. :)
Still waking up... actually got out of bed only 10 minutes ago. Went to bed around.... 11. It's hard to catch up on sleep, you know?
I have to go to the ranch to help feed animals.... I also need to go outside and take care of Cyra.
I love my Cyra. She is one of the very few that will love me forever and always, unconditionally. No matter how long I make her wear that barking collar. I'm not gonna let Becca take care of her anymore, she never does it right. Either doesn't make it out there, or forgets to feed her, or something.
I better go see my baby. :P
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Still waking up... actually got out of bed only 10 minutes ago. Went to bed around.... 11. It's hard to catch up on sleep, you know?
I have to go to the ranch to help feed animals.... I also need to go outside and take care of Cyra.
I love my Cyra. She is one of the very few that will love me forever and always, unconditionally. No matter how long I make her wear that barking collar. I'm not gonna let Becca take care of her anymore, she never does it right. Either doesn't make it out there, or forgets to feed her, or something.
I better go see my baby. :P
Friday, January 07, 2005
Why can't anybody understand? She's not a bad person, it's not her fault. Why do they keep telling me no? Why can't they just leave me alone? I know her, I trust her, and I believe she trusts me. We may have been angry at each other.... but I still trust her. I still care about her.
I still....
Well, I worry about her. I just want her to know that.
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I still....
Well, I worry about her. I just want her to know that.
Yawn..... I did not sleep well last night. Again, woke up a lot, and I think I was tossing and turning.
I watched some of Dances With Wolves last night, before I went to sleep. I cried when they (the white soldiers) killed Two Socks the wolf (I think that's what his name was). The wolf was a sort of companion for Dances With Wolves, a White soldier who was accepted into a Souix community.
Whenever I think about how cruel people really are, I get... extremely angry. If it weren't for the fact that I'm so sensitive and empathic (and Wiccan to boot) I'd be an extremely violent person who would do nothing with her life but hunt people like that down.
But because I was brought up the way I was, and because I am empathic and Wiccan, I won't and can't. I hate myself after I stop being violent. When I got into a fight last year, I hated myself after my adrenalin rush had gone. When Melanie said what she did, I got violent but couldn't do anything about it. I was sore for a very long time. And no, I didn't cut, either. Ever get your muscles so tense and knotted that it hurts like hell afterwards? Yeah, that's what happened.
I have been inspired to write a story. I have the outline going. I can't find the journal I was using for my other one... I hope no one threw that away. Had an outline going for that one, too. And since this one is based on a true story... it'll be a while before it gets anywhere near done.
Ever think it weird when someone says "So and so never finished their autobiography"? Well, duh. What are they gonna write? "And then my time came to di-::scribble-scribble-scribble::"
Wow, I'm suddenly very giddy.
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I watched some of Dances With Wolves last night, before I went to sleep. I cried when they (the white soldiers) killed Two Socks the wolf (I think that's what his name was). The wolf was a sort of companion for Dances With Wolves, a White soldier who was accepted into a Souix community.
Whenever I think about how cruel people really are, I get... extremely angry. If it weren't for the fact that I'm so sensitive and empathic (and Wiccan to boot) I'd be an extremely violent person who would do nothing with her life but hunt people like that down.
But because I was brought up the way I was, and because I am empathic and Wiccan, I won't and can't. I hate myself after I stop being violent. When I got into a fight last year, I hated myself after my adrenalin rush had gone. When Melanie said what she did, I got violent but couldn't do anything about it. I was sore for a very long time. And no, I didn't cut, either. Ever get your muscles so tense and knotted that it hurts like hell afterwards? Yeah, that's what happened.
I have been inspired to write a story. I have the outline going. I can't find the journal I was using for my other one... I hope no one threw that away. Had an outline going for that one, too. And since this one is based on a true story... it'll be a while before it gets anywhere near done.
Ever think it weird when someone says "So and so never finished their autobiography"? Well, duh. What are they gonna write? "And then my time came to di-::scribble-scribble-scribble::"
Wow, I'm suddenly very giddy.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Why the hell is there so much fucking spam in my inbox? Every time I log on, I get something between 1 and 6 e-mails. I'm like "hey, look, someone e-mailed me" and it's a bunch of fucking spam.
Grrrrr!
Now I'm really cranky. And whatever they served for lunch was no burrito. Yech.
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Grrrrr!
Now I'm really cranky. And whatever they served for lunch was no burrito. Yech.
Song dedication, could go several ways.
{Seether}
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
{Both}
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
{Seether}
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
{Amy Lee}
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
{Both}
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Cause Im broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone
{Seether}
You're gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
I feel... sorta better? Just really tired... and sore. My eye keeps hurting, on and off, on and off... that's a pain in my ass.
Speaking of ass, that hurts, too. I haven't figured out why, and no, no one hit me there. So don't even go there. :P
I have no idea why I cried last night. I really don't. Cried myself to sleep, and I think I woke up crying. I can't really remember... I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept waking up every hour or so. I have no idea what the whole thing was about, but dad had pissed the royal hell out of me earlier.
Eh. Cranky and tired and hungry and sore. Not a good combination.
Heheheheheh, Becca was playing her Pokemon game for her Gameboy, and her metal bird fell in love with what looked like a pink jellybean. While they were fighting. Then right afterwards, it got confused.
Me: Oh, god, that's the worst feeling, huh? In love and confused. "I love you little jellybean, I love you! Wait... do I love you? I think I do... I know I do! I think.... I don't know...."
Hahahahahah.
....
Okay, not as funny anymore, now that I'm actually relating that feeling to several things.
Blahhhh.... now I'm just babbling. Thinking about getting my hair cut shorter, especially before I go to Australia. My bandana might also look a tad bit better on my head, with shorter hair under it. I'll have to think about it. I also need to go see Matt after school, schedule another appointment... or figure out if I missed one. Hmm. Also thinking about streaks, but Leif is not allowed to do that again. Nope, no sir, no way, no how. That didn't turn out too well. I did like the color, though.
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{Seether}
I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
{Both}
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
{Seether}
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
{Amy Lee}
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
{Both}
Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Cause Im broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone
{Seether}
You're gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
I feel... sorta better? Just really tired... and sore. My eye keeps hurting, on and off, on and off... that's a pain in my ass.
Speaking of ass, that hurts, too. I haven't figured out why, and no, no one hit me there. So don't even go there. :P
I have no idea why I cried last night. I really don't. Cried myself to sleep, and I think I woke up crying. I can't really remember... I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept waking up every hour or so. I have no idea what the whole thing was about, but dad had pissed the royal hell out of me earlier.
Eh. Cranky and tired and hungry and sore. Not a good combination.
Heheheheheh, Becca was playing her Pokemon game for her Gameboy, and her metal bird fell in love with what looked like a pink jellybean. While they were fighting. Then right afterwards, it got confused.
Me: Oh, god, that's the worst feeling, huh? In love and confused. "I love you little jellybean, I love you! Wait... do I love you? I think I do... I know I do! I think.... I don't know...."
Hahahahahah.
....
Okay, not as funny anymore, now that I'm actually relating that feeling to several things.
Blahhhh.... now I'm just babbling. Thinking about getting my hair cut shorter, especially before I go to Australia. My bandana might also look a tad bit better on my head, with shorter hair under it. I'll have to think about it. I also need to go see Matt after school, schedule another appointment... or figure out if I missed one. Hmm. Also thinking about streaks, but Leif is not allowed to do that again. Nope, no sir, no way, no how. That didn't turn out too well. I did like the color, though.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I GOT A 25 ON MY ACT!!! YAAAAAAY!! WHEEEEE! YAHOOOOO!
::is now very happy::
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::is now very happy::
Instead of being angry and depressed now, I'm.... one level above apathetic. I care about a tiny handful of things, but a vast majority of the things around me I could care less about. I could make a list, but I'd rather not.
Laptop is working. I fixed whatever problem Internet Explorer had, and then I quickly switched to Mozilla Firefox. Works a helluva lot better than Explorer. (Mack, you are my new favorite person :P)
Mom was kinda cranky this morning. Becca wasn't doing what she was supposed to, so tempers flared. I went to hide in my room, but then mom yelled at me to clean it up. So I put up all the laptop stuff, put books back on the shelf, and cleaned the bird cage. I'll be finishing my room again when I get home from school
We had a ten o'clock late start! Wheeee! I didn't want to go to school, period, but.... Sidney's School System is retarded. It would take an act of Heavanly Congress to give us a snow day.
I have to start studying for semester finals. I swear I am going to bomb Cisco and Spanish, followed closely by Geometry and Science. Blaahhh.
I'll need to mail Ryo's card today. Didn't get to the post office yesterday. I also need to mail two thank you cards to an aunt and uncle in Florida for the Christmas presents I got (money and some sort of shampoo... Aunt Dalene usually gives us really neat things. It smells nice, but it'll probably make my hair poof up or something...)
I wonder how much of my Geometry homework I still have to do...
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Laptop is working. I fixed whatever problem Internet Explorer had, and then I quickly switched to Mozilla Firefox. Works a helluva lot better than Explorer. (Mack, you are my new favorite person :P)
Mom was kinda cranky this morning. Becca wasn't doing what she was supposed to, so tempers flared. I went to hide in my room, but then mom yelled at me to clean it up. So I put up all the laptop stuff, put books back on the shelf, and cleaned the bird cage. I'll be finishing my room again when I get home from school
We had a ten o'clock late start! Wheeee! I didn't want to go to school, period, but.... Sidney's School System is retarded. It would take an act of Heavanly Congress to give us a snow day.
I have to start studying for semester finals. I swear I am going to bomb Cisco and Spanish, followed closely by Geometry and Science. Blaahhh.
I'll need to mail Ryo's card today. Didn't get to the post office yesterday. I also need to mail two thank you cards to an aunt and uncle in Florida for the Christmas presents I got (money and some sort of shampoo... Aunt Dalene usually gives us really neat things. It smells nice, but it'll probably make my hair poof up or something...)
I wonder how much of my Geometry homework I still have to do...
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
I'm feeling... a lot. Anger and depression, mostly. I haven't been truely happy for... well, I can't remember. When have I been truely happy? Have I ever been truely happy? What is it going to take to reach that level?
I don't know... I don't think I even care.
My eye hurts, but I'm not trying to make it stop anymore. My back hurts, and so do my ribs. I don't know why... I feel like someone beat me with a bat. I don't have any bruises, but...
Why are those dreams so real... every time something strikes me, I really feel it. I wake up and I'm in pain (if I was "hit") but there aren't any marks on my body. I don't know where this is coming from.
I remember watching several programs about Armegeddon. I'm still not sure if I'm spelling that right. And watching it.... didn't scare me. Not like it used to. With everything I've gone through, and everything I've lost, I wouldn't be scared to face all the Riders at once. I'd probably laugh as they stuck me down, anyway.
Where will I go when I die? To the Hell that everyone believes in? If there's a Heavan, I certainly don't belong in it. Don't deserve to belong. Is there a place where everyone goes, no matter what they did in life? A light, or something of the sort? Do we just wander, or float? Do we sleep? Is it like falling asleep and then suddenly waking up to someone "judging" you?
Why should I feel alone is beyond me. It's not like anyone's ever cared. Just one, but she still left. She's still in Chicago, she still has yet to call or write. She says she misses me, but are e-mails and livejournal entries really going to convey that message as much as it should? I don't think so. Why should I care about anyone? No one's cared enough about me.
There are very few people, outside of my family, that I care about. Very few. I know a bunch of people, talk to many, but there are very few I'd ever consider myself close to. I can probably count them all on one hand, and not use all five digits.
That's rather sad.
Well, maybe both hands, barely using more than five digits. Barely.
It's still sad.
Do I change this addy again? Or don't I? It's not like a lot of people read this. I'm sure Rachael never read it, and Amanda probably doesn't anymore. Then again, none of that should matter.
Let's see what'll happen when I change it back, just for a bit.
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I don't know... I don't think I even care.
My eye hurts, but I'm not trying to make it stop anymore. My back hurts, and so do my ribs. I don't know why... I feel like someone beat me with a bat. I don't have any bruises, but...
Why are those dreams so real... every time something strikes me, I really feel it. I wake up and I'm in pain (if I was "hit") but there aren't any marks on my body. I don't know where this is coming from.
I remember watching several programs about Armegeddon. I'm still not sure if I'm spelling that right. And watching it.... didn't scare me. Not like it used to. With everything I've gone through, and everything I've lost, I wouldn't be scared to face all the Riders at once. I'd probably laugh as they stuck me down, anyway.
Where will I go when I die? To the Hell that everyone believes in? If there's a Heavan, I certainly don't belong in it. Don't deserve to belong. Is there a place where everyone goes, no matter what they did in life? A light, or something of the sort? Do we just wander, or float? Do we sleep? Is it like falling asleep and then suddenly waking up to someone "judging" you?
Why should I feel alone is beyond me. It's not like anyone's ever cared. Just one, but she still left. She's still in Chicago, she still has yet to call or write. She says she misses me, but are e-mails and livejournal entries really going to convey that message as much as it should? I don't think so. Why should I care about anyone? No one's cared enough about me.
There are very few people, outside of my family, that I care about. Very few. I know a bunch of people, talk to many, but there are very few I'd ever consider myself close to. I can probably count them all on one hand, and not use all five digits.
That's rather sad.
Well, maybe both hands, barely using more than five digits. Barely.
It's still sad.
Do I change this addy again? Or don't I? It's not like a lot of people read this. I'm sure Rachael never read it, and Amanda probably doesn't anymore. Then again, none of that should matter.
Let's see what'll happen when I change it back, just for a bit.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Maybe she's right. Maybe I do realize how lonely I am now that she isn't here. I'm not sure I like the way she said it, but it's difficult to get emotion out of a string of text. I shouldn't be so sensitive. I also shouldn't be writing her. But as long as I hear from her, she'll hear from me.
I haven't felt very inspired, lately. Writing in general has been difficult. I need a computer that works, the laptop's Microsoft programs don't work. The asshole that sold it to us failed to include a set-up CD to get everything working again.
She's gone to Denver now. Much closer than Gunnison. If I'm lucky (or deserving, whichever you prefer), I might get to see her the next time I go down there. The folks go there at least once a month, I just need to be assertive and go with them.
Well, like I said, I'm not very inspired. I can't think of anything else to write.
(0) comments
I haven't felt very inspired, lately. Writing in general has been difficult. I need a computer that works, the laptop's Microsoft programs don't work. The asshole that sold it to us failed to include a set-up CD to get everything working again.
She's gone to Denver now. Much closer than Gunnison. If I'm lucky (or deserving, whichever you prefer), I might get to see her the next time I go down there. The folks go there at least once a month, I just need to be assertive and go with them.
Well, like I said, I'm not very inspired. I can't think of anything else to write.
