Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I'm not sure what's real anymore.
Who can I turn to? Who's real that I can trust?
I don't like it when people say one thing and do another. It makes me extremely confused, and then when they do turn around and do the other, I don't know if it's them or not. I don't know if I can trust them.
School's good, I'm almost done. Ten more weeks and I'm finished. Work is going well, I'm still getting a paycheck. Money's a little tight, but it's nothing that hasn't happened to me before. The Miata is having a hard time of it, though... the engine is at half compression and it has nearly no acceleration.
I miss certain people. I miss talking to them. Rachael, Amanda... hell, even Sharae, but now that I think about it she never really paid that much attention to me. It makes me worried, actually... who else didn't? Who else doesn't? It's hard to carry on a one-way conversation, and it just serves to make me more depressed.
Damnit, I thought I was over this on Sunday when I read some of Rachael's old blogs. I miss her, a lot. I'd do anything to try to get her back... but I can't. I can't get any of them back. I just keep pushing myself farther and farther away, hoping that the physical, emotional, and social distance will keep me safe.
It is, in a way, but it's also making things just a little bit harder.
I'm at work now. I think I'll sit down and read my book until someone checks these cars in for me. I'll be getting on a plane for Kansas City for Mazda training... but I'd love to be able to get on a plane to go anywhere but here. One way would be great... overseas would be better. But my family is all I really have left now, everyone is pretty much gone. No one responds, no one writes or calls back. I've really just stopped.
If it weren't for the fact that Sidney has nothing for me but painful memories, I'd go back in a heartbeat. But that's were I lost almost everything, and I don't want to loose whatever else I have left.
Though at this point, I'm lucky to still retain my sanity.
Call this a pity post. I don't care. Right now I need to vent, and there's no one around to listen.
(0) comments
Who can I turn to? Who's real that I can trust?
I don't like it when people say one thing and do another. It makes me extremely confused, and then when they do turn around and do the other, I don't know if it's them or not. I don't know if I can trust them.
School's good, I'm almost done. Ten more weeks and I'm finished. Work is going well, I'm still getting a paycheck. Money's a little tight, but it's nothing that hasn't happened to me before. The Miata is having a hard time of it, though... the engine is at half compression and it has nearly no acceleration.
I miss certain people. I miss talking to them. Rachael, Amanda... hell, even Sharae, but now that I think about it she never really paid that much attention to me. It makes me worried, actually... who else didn't? Who else doesn't? It's hard to carry on a one-way conversation, and it just serves to make me more depressed.
Damnit, I thought I was over this on Sunday when I read some of Rachael's old blogs. I miss her, a lot. I'd do anything to try to get her back... but I can't. I can't get any of them back. I just keep pushing myself farther and farther away, hoping that the physical, emotional, and social distance will keep me safe.
It is, in a way, but it's also making things just a little bit harder.
I'm at work now. I think I'll sit down and read my book until someone checks these cars in for me. I'll be getting on a plane for Kansas City for Mazda training... but I'd love to be able to get on a plane to go anywhere but here. One way would be great... overseas would be better. But my family is all I really have left now, everyone is pretty much gone. No one responds, no one writes or calls back. I've really just stopped.
If it weren't for the fact that Sidney has nothing for me but painful memories, I'd go back in a heartbeat. But that's were I lost almost everything, and I don't want to loose whatever else I have left.
Though at this point, I'm lucky to still retain my sanity.
Call this a pity post. I don't care. Right now I need to vent, and there's no one around to listen.
