Thursday, March 30, 2006
I just finished looking through Rachael's old blogger posts, before she switched to LiveJournal. Some of them made me smile, made me recall thoughts and feelings from 3 - 4 years ago. I was pretty happy then, and I miss those days.
I think I'm about to cry.
I miss her so much... even after Amanda, I still miss her. I get so angry when someone walks all over her, she deserves a hell of a lot better than that. I don't understand why she keeps hooking up with these... people. I still don't like that Michelle person, I'm just glad our convo didn't turn into the one I had with Christy.
At one time, I thought maybe I had a chance to get Rachael back. But I don't know anymore... I've all but given up trying to get myself there, something always comes up. I suppose I jinxed myself last year when I was praying Rachael could come down for Denver Pride. That didn't happen, either.
I never had a chance... a REAL chance. Thinking about it hurts so much, and now I can't stop the tears. And now, I don't know if I'll ever have that chance. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe I wasn't ever good enough... I don't know. I wish things were different, I wish I just acted on a whim and left for Highland Park. Maybe if I acted more and thought less, things would be different.
I still love her. I don't think that'll ever change... it hasn't faded, even though it was over three years ago. If the intensity hasn't weakened at all by now, I don't know if it ever will. We don't talk as much, and it makes me depressed.
Sharna's right. Time doesn't matter when it comes to love. "Not a day, not eight years." It'll only stop when I stop. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what she feels.
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I think I'm about to cry.
I miss her so much... even after Amanda, I still miss her. I get so angry when someone walks all over her, she deserves a hell of a lot better than that. I don't understand why she keeps hooking up with these... people. I still don't like that Michelle person, I'm just glad our convo didn't turn into the one I had with Christy.
At one time, I thought maybe I had a chance to get Rachael back. But I don't know anymore... I've all but given up trying to get myself there, something always comes up. I suppose I jinxed myself last year when I was praying Rachael could come down for Denver Pride. That didn't happen, either.
I never had a chance... a REAL chance. Thinking about it hurts so much, and now I can't stop the tears. And now, I don't know if I'll ever have that chance. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe I wasn't ever good enough... I don't know. I wish things were different, I wish I just acted on a whim and left for Highland Park. Maybe if I acted more and thought less, things would be different.
I still love her. I don't think that'll ever change... it hasn't faded, even though it was over three years ago. If the intensity hasn't weakened at all by now, I don't know if it ever will. We don't talk as much, and it makes me depressed.
Sharna's right. Time doesn't matter when it comes to love. "Not a day, not eight years." It'll only stop when I stop. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what she feels.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Well, the only thing I've actually done all day is sit on my ass, or walk around. I think I'm going to get blisters behind my knees. Owww....
We went to see this independant film called the Confederate States of America. It's a spoof-documentary about what things may be like if the South won the civil war. It was actually kind of funny, but I think the only reason I got all the jokes is because I'm Southern, cause of my mom. I hope that comes out on some sort of DVD or something, mom would like that.
I finally got that t-shirt from the Diamond Cabaret! This really big guy that came to the door at the strip club asked for my ID, and then he said I had to be 21 to be in the building. The chick behind the counter told him I was just there for a t-shirt, and he just snorted and walked away. Then he came back with a shirt and charged me $15. Five more dollars than what they charged Justin last night, bitches... oh well. I still got my shirt.
Gah, there's someone I want to try to get in touch with on PlanetOut, but I can't unless I subscribe for Personals Plus. And damnit, that means I have to wait until I finally get a credit card...
Time for me to get some sleep. Been going since 6 AM, and it's 11:30 PM. I have to be down for breakfast around 6:30, and I have to get up early enough for a shower.
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We went to see this independant film called the Confederate States of America. It's a spoof-documentary about what things may be like if the South won the civil war. It was actually kind of funny, but I think the only reason I got all the jokes is because I'm Southern, cause of my mom. I hope that comes out on some sort of DVD or something, mom would like that.
I finally got that t-shirt from the Diamond Cabaret! This really big guy that came to the door at the strip club asked for my ID, and then he said I had to be 21 to be in the building. The chick behind the counter told him I was just there for a t-shirt, and he just snorted and walked away. Then he came back with a shirt and charged me $15. Five more dollars than what they charged Justin last night, bitches... oh well. I still got my shirt.
Gah, there's someone I want to try to get in touch with on PlanetOut, but I can't unless I subscribe for Personals Plus. And damnit, that means I have to wait until I finally get a credit card...
Time for me to get some sleep. Been going since 6 AM, and it's 11:30 PM. I have to be down for breakfast around 6:30, and I have to get up early enough for a shower.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Today, even though it was the start of this Colorado Close-up, has been awsome.
But I'll talk about the horse expo, first, since that's why I came down here two days earlier.
On Friday, we drove around Denver for a bit looking for a CompUSA so that I could get a new fax/data card for my laptop, since my sister lost the cord to the original. Then, after going to look around at the expo and buying a few things (mostly for Becca, like a new saddle and some boots, but I did get a cool money clip) we went to find a hotel room. Well, I couldn't get the card to work, cause my cord wasn't working (and I didn't know that I could switch the floppy drives and the CD drives in my laptop). So, we had to go BACK to CompUSA to get that taken care of, and then I remembered that I needed an Ethernet port to actually use the internet services in hotels these days. So, I bought this Ethernet port thing, and realized it wasn't compatible with my laptop when I got back to the hotel. So, being the patient person she is, mom took be BACK, again, to CompUSA, where I finally got the correct Ethernet card.
Saturday, went back to the Expo, since mom and Becca wanted to attend some presentations. Then, around noon, we drove around most of Denver trying to find a tattoo parlor called Emporium of Design. Finally found it, but it was more expensive than what I thought it was, and I needed to redo the design anyway, so I'm still holding off on the tattoo.
Now, today. I sat through very long, somewhat boring meetings and chats about parts of the government and something about the media. After that, we were asigned our rooms and allowed to relax before dinner (some sort of chicken, and some rice that tasted weird, and some sauteed veggies), then sat through a speech.
Finally, the fun part!
Jamie, Darla, Justin, and me went down two blocks to this strip club called Diamond Cabare (I think I spelled that right...) and we walked in. Me, Jamie, and Darla waited in the lobby while Justin went in to ask for a pen. Well, they didn't have a pen, so he asked for a t-shirt. Well, they had t-shirts, so the four of us pooled money for this $10 shirt. We got the shirt, and then walked back to the hotel.
I am thinking about going back there tomorrow to get myself a shirt. I want one.
I'll write tomorrow if I get a shirt.
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But I'll talk about the horse expo, first, since that's why I came down here two days earlier.
On Friday, we drove around Denver for a bit looking for a CompUSA so that I could get a new fax/data card for my laptop, since my sister lost the cord to the original. Then, after going to look around at the expo and buying a few things (mostly for Becca, like a new saddle and some boots, but I did get a cool money clip) we went to find a hotel room. Well, I couldn't get the card to work, cause my cord wasn't working (and I didn't know that I could switch the floppy drives and the CD drives in my laptop). So, we had to go BACK to CompUSA to get that taken care of, and then I remembered that I needed an Ethernet port to actually use the internet services in hotels these days. So, I bought this Ethernet port thing, and realized it wasn't compatible with my laptop when I got back to the hotel. So, being the patient person she is, mom took be BACK, again, to CompUSA, where I finally got the correct Ethernet card.
Saturday, went back to the Expo, since mom and Becca wanted to attend some presentations. Then, around noon, we drove around most of Denver trying to find a tattoo parlor called Emporium of Design. Finally found it, but it was more expensive than what I thought it was, and I needed to redo the design anyway, so I'm still holding off on the tattoo.
Now, today. I sat through very long, somewhat boring meetings and chats about parts of the government and something about the media. After that, we were asigned our rooms and allowed to relax before dinner (some sort of chicken, and some rice that tasted weird, and some sauteed veggies), then sat through a speech.
Finally, the fun part!
Jamie, Darla, Justin, and me went down two blocks to this strip club called Diamond Cabare (I think I spelled that right...) and we walked in. Me, Jamie, and Darla waited in the lobby while Justin went in to ask for a pen. Well, they didn't have a pen, so he asked for a t-shirt. Well, they had t-shirts, so the four of us pooled money for this $10 shirt. We got the shirt, and then walked back to the hotel.
I am thinking about going back there tomorrow to get myself a shirt. I want one.
I'll write tomorrow if I get a shirt.
