Void of Space

Goddamnit, why can't anything go right? Why the hell does this always happen? No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I never get anything to show for my efforts.

Sunday's been cancled.... I'll be returning the movie tomorrow after school, when I leave for work. I'll just.... have to watch it some other time...

I'm just... I dunno. Nothing ever works for me. I've never had what I've needed. I doubt I ever will.

Ever since I was little, I tried to imagine what would happen to me once I die. At first, I thought I'd be an angel, but I'm not good enough for that. Then, I thought I'd be a spirit, a ghost. I don't think I'll be that, either. Maybe I'll be a phantom... a wraith. Doomed to wander the living world forever because of some failed task or transgression.

That seems fitting. My life, since moving here, has been one fucking transgression.

Mom and I are almost done in the livingroom! ::dances:: All we have to do is get the rest of the trash out, put away a shitload of clothes, vacuum, and then douse the place with Febreeze. That way, if Amanda doesn't want to go to her place to watch movies, and no one wants to go to Leif's, then we can watch them at my house. Mom is supposed to be either asleep or at the land.

I'm actually feeling a lot better today. Feeling kind of ill, though, like I have the flu or something. But that's starting to go away, too.

And my eye doesn't hurt anymore. And I can still see!

I still have to finish my science..... blah. And my math, but I only have ten problems left.

My depression has been taking me down since early yesterday evening. Can't figure out what's up.

Mom and Becca and I are trying to get the living room and dining room cleaned up by Sunday. We worked only a couple of hours on it last night, and we can finally see the living room carpet. It needs a good vacuum job.

I'm not feeling too talkative...

Lemme copy and paste something that's been sitting in my various inboxes on my yahoo mailing name....

******
E-Mail Title: "Why I Love My University Library"
From: Rachael (my ex.....)
To: A bunch of people, including me.

I'm procrastinating as usual, because I have a women's studies paper due tomorrow and one due from last week that I haven't started (eep) but I was searching the library catalog (as I am currently on the 2nd floor of the library) for random things, notely wiccan stuff, which I am sort of drawn to by hanging out with several spiffy people, and visited a yummy pagan/wiccan store yesterday, and purchased stuff and was given a flier on chaos magick classes, which my mother then found on my floor..but..I digress. The real focus of this email is this, which I have not checked out but am drooling over...

(NOTE: That is followed by a -very- long book description about something relating to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Things used in the series, the religion, magick, stuff like that. Didn't bother copying it, I never even read the whole thing. I stopped after seeing "Buffy")

++

E-Mail Title: "Re: Why I Love My University Library"
From: me
To: Rachael

Just don't start practicing Wicca unless you really mean it, not just cause you think it's cool. People like that give other devotes and a lot of determined and dedicated novices and initiates bad names. And they screw up a crapload of spells ands sends theSpiral and all those other balance signs for a loop.
And be sure to get that Karma rule down, otherwise, Karma's gonna be chewing on your ass for months. She ain't lenient, either, trust me.

++

E-Mail Title: "Re: Why I Love My University Library"
From: Rachael
To: me

silly, I've been thinking about this a looooong time. I don't buy into Hell..why would someone get eternal punishment for mistakes, or, for homosexuals, punishment just for who we love? it doesn't make sense. at all. but yeah, ruthie's pagan and you're wiccan and amanda (NOTE: Not the one I talk about, cause I don't know this one...) and tabitha are pagan and they took me to this awesome pretty store and I got all these neat pretty things. and I'm late for class so I have to run because it's all the way across campus :(
******

I don't think she got what I was saying.

As for the long time part, I highly doubt. If she was, she might have tried talking to me about it. She just started talking about it, what, these past few days? ::snorts:: I've been studying it for... over two years, maybe over three, and I'm still not a complete initiate. And I thought about it for roughly a year before I started.

I don't know whether I want to strangle her or not. Just because she knows a bunch of people who are wiccan/pagan doesn't give her that big a reason to want to convert. Hell, I know a bunch of Christian people, even two Buddists, and I don't follow either of those religions.

I probably should have commented on the whole chaos magick class thing, but I think I'll let Karma do that for me.

And another thing, something I should probably tell her, is that she has no right to use "silly" or any other pet name she gave me while we were dating. I've been trying to get past it and let it go, but everytime something like that comes up.... well, it ain't pretty.

At least I have Sunday to look forward to. I think I'll manage to keep myself out of the house all day. Hopefully, anyway, and if I'm lucky I might not even get back to the house until late. But, you never know.

I didn't have time to write what happened after work on Friday. Was kinda tired, and didn't get home till late, even though I was out of the restaurant at 9:30PM.

I was driving home, listening to the radio and paying only the minimum attention to the road when I saw some car's hazards flashing ahead of me. Took me a moment to decide whether or not to slow down and see if anyone needed help. Since there was only one car there (the one with the hazards) I slowed to a stop in the middle of the road.

The first thing I see is some girl a bit older than me sobbing and crying and hyperventilating (I'd bet that I spelled that wrong, but Blogger's spellchecker is a piece of $#!t). Her boyfriend is probably considering cussing out his car, which is dead and refuses to start. She asks for a flashlight and I hand mine over, then pull over to see if I can figure out what's wrong with the car.

The guy says the engine must have blown, and from the look and sound of it, it had. I offer them a ride home, the offer gets accepted, and I end up driving home in near-complete silence with an occasional sob from the backseat.

I'm glad I stopped, even though I was paranoid enough to get my knife out of the console and shove it into my pocket. I know what it's like to have your car break down in the middle of nowhere and have absolutely no one stop to give you a hand. There used to be a time where the first person that saw you would stop to help, but now hardly anyone has that kind of concern.

Now I'll talk about today. :P

My feet were still sore when I got up to go to work, but I managed to survive to around 2 in the afternoon. Managed to figure out how to carry one of those big-ass trays, but I popped my shoulder really bad the first time. Then, for about 10-20 minutes after that customer-and-Teri-threatening incident, my shoulder kept making these popping noises and feelings whenever I moved it. Teri ended up showing me a different way to carry it, but I nearly dropped it twice doing it that way. Allow me to mention that I also folded nearly four whole tubs of those damn silverware/napkin things. Almost 200. I don't want to touch another one of those until Saturday.

Came home, got something to eat, and got online to check my mail. I had 7 new messages, and all but 2 were spam. And lemme tell you, I hate spam. It puts me in a bad mood. But when I saw who the other two e-mails were from, the bad mood flew out the window. Only the sender is going to know who they are, so nyah.

Retreated into my bedroom when the rest of the family got home from getting hay. Messed around on my gameboy for a while, the parents left for the barn, and Becca's boyfriend showed up somewhere between me getting lost in tall grass in Pokemon Ruby (I'm a nerd, I know, but it's the only GB Game I own that I haven't played) and me nearly getting my ass kicked by a dragonbird thing that was sitting on a cloud. I won't go into detail with that one.

In no time at all, the house started smelling of Becca's boyfriend. I decided I did not want to stick around and suffer that smell any longer, nor try eating the mystery casserole sitting on the stove. So I got into the car and drove to Perkins to eat. They did a pretty good job on the club sandwich I ate, and at least Melanie wasn't a bitch to me when I walked in.

Having Amanda say "Hey gorgeous, how're you?" or "How're you doing, gorgeous?" or something like that also made me feel better, and not the sexually-feel better, either. So stay out of the gutter! ;)

I think the real surprise was when I ended up seeing Angie following Jordon into the restaurant. It took me a good while to realize that it was Angie and not some chubby cousin of Jordon's, but I hope neither of them get wind of me saying that.... Anyway, the chubby-looking part came from the fact that she's pregnant (a funny image of Jaey popped up at this point, but I took care not to laugh out loud). After I finished eating, I got up and walked over to the table to see what card Jordon had gotten for Bev, who is leaving Perkins shortly, and that's when I figured out it was Angie and not Jordon's chubby cousin. Unless I'm completely out of the loop and there's some relation I'm missing, but we won't go there cause then I'll be confused as hell and I'll have at least two people out for my blood.

Stood and chatted for a moment, signed the card after stealing Justin's pen, then went to pay for my meal and leave. Was just about to leave when Amanda caught my attention, looking like she was telling me to come over. Payed and was about to when she disappeared, then turned around to leave when she came out of the kitchen again and looked liked she was telling me to stay put. So I did and waited for her to walk through the kitchen so I could figure out why she was trying so hard to get my attention.

Apparently, after I left the table, Angie told Amanda I was "kinda cute" or something along those lines. I had to laugh at that, actually, for multiple reasons and one of them I won't go in to cause it's personal and kind of embarassing/humiliating. One reason, though, was because I've never found myself attractive in any way. Until about recently, and not tonight, either. I suppose I'm attractive in the masculine sense, but no one should ever ask me if I find myself attractive, cause I'm biased and negative and I will automatically say "no."

I still ended up laughing while I was walking out to my car and driving home. :P Or something akin to laughing, since I haven't actually -laughed- for over two years. I guess I've kinda forgotten how to. All I can do now is smile or grin, and chuckle or snicker. Giggling is a bit rare, but not out of the question.

And look at the time. It's late, and I need to take my contacts out and go to bed. I still have English and History to do, but I left both at school.... eh. Oh well.

Got a 100% yesterday on my English report. :D I should be passing in that class now.

Managed to get enough of my math notebook done to get a passing grade. Now all I have to do is finish my science.

I'd kinda like to hang out again with Leif and Amanda, but without Amanda's little brother. Nice kid and all, did apologize for the shake spill in the car (probably with a little "encouragement" from Amanda.... :P) but my ears and back can only take so much damage. Besides, I don't know what I have planned for Sunday other than working in the morning at Perkins, and I'm willing to bet Amanda's working. And Leif said he didn't have a life. Maybe I can get him to wash dishes at Buffalo Point, as long as I can get him to promise me not to act so.... flamboyant, if you know what I mean. Bob and Erika are both very narrow-minded and homophobic, I'd hate to have to chew Erika out for talking bad about Leif. I've come close to doing that a number of times for multiple reasons.

Mom doesn't like the fact that I'm working nearly all day Saturday at Perkins and Buffalo Point, but I do it cause it keeps me away from the house. The only days I don't work are Monday and maybe Wednesday (paper route and CCD/Xtreme). Work Tuesday evening, Thursday and Friday evening, nearly all day Saturday, and Sunda morning. Hope I don't get too stressed out, I don't handle stress very well.

I -really- don't want to miss Oktoberfest. I bet at BP we'll get a bunch of elderly people instead of the usual family, groups of adults/young adults, and a few teens. (The teen part if few and far bewteen, at least alone or with friends anyway) And then Oktoberfest will end and everyone'll come rushing to catch up on what they missed. I want to go see my favorite tent (across the path from the beer tent, has all the knives, swords, Indian items, rocks and crystals, and other random things). Beer tent is my next favorite, and no I don't drink. I like to listen to the Denver Pipe Band.

I'm gonna end this entry, since I have nothing else to yak about.

Oh yeah, this is gonna be a bad week. Monday was bad, Tuesday could have been better, and today has gotten off to a very ugly start. Mom decided to "ground" me from the computer and television because I didn't fold newspapers. It's not her job, it's mine. I'm the one that gets paid to walk around in random stages of weather to deliver a paper that nobody friggin' reads. $30 does not cover a high hospital bill, nor fix permanent mental damage caused by trauma. So it's none of her fucking business whether I fold the stupid newspaper the day of or before I deliver them.

And if she thinks I should move out so bad, then I will. But I sure as hell won't be leaving my dog and bird behind. If she even gets the slightest NOTION that I'm gonna leave Cyra and that dove behind, she better go think again.

Can't get a house, it's way out of my budget. I could rent, but I don't know how much house rents go for. Can't think of any apartments here that allow pets, but I should probably just go around and look.

God, I'm in such a bad mood. I should probably go talk to Nancy, since we had talked about the whole moving out thing a year or two ago.

Lemme say it is very tempting to just drop out of school and move out of the house. Thing is, I value my education, and I hate quitting. I don't like giving up or running away.

Where do you turn for help when you don't know where to go?

Guess what! I found $20 IN MY COAT POCKET!!!!

Sorry, just being random, and I'm unusually hyper. But I really did find $20 in my coat pocket.

Went out to dinner with dad since Becca and mom probably ate out in Scottsbluff today. I was feeling left out :( Amanda was there, and I had no idea she'd be working there tonight. Thought she was working at Perkins. (No, I'm not trying to avoid you. We just didn't have enough money for Perkins, and I felt like Mexican, so nyah.)

Forgot my English in my locker, and it's due tomorrow.

In the morning.

I have an F in that class, and I really have to raise it if I want to keep my jobs and car. So I gotta find that worksheet deal that I have lost and turn it in, and manage to pull a magick spell out of my ear and get that rough draft essay done for tomorrow.

I'm kidding about that magick part. Karma would come back and bite me so hard in the ass that I wouldn't sit down for a month.

I beat my dad at poker. ^_^ Texas Hold 'Em. Maybe if I become good enough, I'll try out for that World Series of Poker thing they had on ESPN. But I'll shoot the first guy who jumps up out of his seat and screams and howls and does a dance when he wins over 500,000 points worth of chips.

What else to write about.... Oh! My dove! She (He? She? It's a she until proven otherwise) is doing really well. I think she's even holding her wing better. I'll give her another month, then maybe I'll name her if she can't fly. I've got a few, but I need one that would fit both genders, in case my gut is telling me the truth and she's actually a he. Maybe Dawn/Don.

We had two camp staff members name Dawn and Don. They were dating. :P You'd say Dawn/Don and they'd both turn around to figure out which one you were talking to. They were friggin' short, and we teased them a lot about dating, but they were good people. I really liked them. (And I got along with both of them, and will even admit that I thought Dawn was kinda cute... but too old for me. She was from the Dakota's, anyway.) That was another thing we teased them about, being from the Dakota's. Nick liked using a Canadian accent on them ("What's going on, eh?")

Yeah, it's about time I went to bed. I have to manage to sleep with this toothpaste on the side of my nose... trying to get rid of a zit. Teatree oil works in roughly 24 hours, but I can't stand the smell. So I use toothpaste. It worked last time, so I'm pretty confident that it'll be gone in a day or two. Got tired of it hurting, so I decided to attack it with white Colgate toothpaste. And I'm sure you're all tired of my rambling.

Nothing much happened today. Went out to the barn with dad to help him unload some more building supplies, and came back with a shit load of dirt on me. I could feel it in my hair, and I wasn't even using my hands. I had dirt in my mouth, on my tongue, between my teeth, in my ears and up my nose.

Thank God I didn't wear my contacts today.

Got attacked by one of the roosters. He jumped at me and tried to claw my leg through my jeans and peck me. So I kicked it across the chicken coop yard. It did not come near me after that.

Came back and went with the family to a church lunch/dinner deal at the fairgrounds. It was a hog roast, and even though pork is one of my least favorite kind of meat (right under bird/poultry) I still ate a little. I've been craving pie for most of the month, but I haven't had a chance to run by Perkins to get any.

Pie, that is.

And speaking of being nasty, I realized just how kinky I am today. And Amanda did not help. I had hoped to keep that part of me secret, but I obviously failed at that. It seems to chase others away, along with me not exactly fitting into that submissive/dominant deal. Anyone who -knows- me knows I'm in between, and I only take one side or the other if the situation calls for it. Also been teased for never making the first move, and that lack of... courage?... is probably going to keep me from things.

No, we aren't going to find out -exactly- how kinky I am. The people who read this blog on a regular basis already know I'm a friggin' pervert, with a near insatiable sex drive. But fortunately, I manage to keep that part under control.

You'd be surprised how hard that can get, sometimes.

Jaey is going to kill me when she manages to catch up with this thing. Wait.... does she read this one? Or the other one? I think it's this one, I haven't updated the other one in God-knows-when.

But with my luck, it's probably the other one. I wonder how the pregnancy is coming along... And no, Jaey, you cannot name the baby Elizabeth. You have horrible luck, and it'll probably turn out gay.

She's going to shoot me for saying that. But she should invite me to her wedding/baby shower party. Not that the chance of me being able to attend is very high, but it'd still be nice to get an invitation, verbal or otherwise.

I feel.... strange. Enlightened, intrigued, curious, concerned... so many emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Emotions that I've never felt at the -same- time.

She asked me if I could tell when she was acting or being serious, and I was honest when I said no. But if she were to ask me if I thought she was acting when she told me everything she did...

I'd say no. I honestly don't think she was acting. (Of course, I could be really gullible, but I hadn't actually thought of that till now. And it's, what... over an hour since we talked? It usually sacks me way before this point.)

She asked if I was scared of her. I said yes, and I was completely honest. She asked if I wanted to run.

I said no, I don't run. I ment it, and I still do.

She wanted to know what I was thinking about. I suppose it was (is) a plethora of things. Things that have happened to me, things that I want, things that I need, things that I'm scared of, a few random things like how much damage my car has suffered and how much more it will suffer once I'm done cleaning it.

And for those of you with dirty minds, Leif left that smoke smell in the car, and Amanda's kid brother spilled his chocolate milkshake in the back seat. But that car has been due for a good cleaning, anyway.

And I will admit this. I thought of her, too. Things she said, the songs she sang along to when I was driving. (Let me add that she did bite me hard, on the arm, and left a mark. Just because I didn't get goosebumps doesn't mean I didn't like it. But I like gentler bites, more.)

I guess I want to believe that the parts of the songs she sang along to were things she wanted to tell me, but I won't get my hopes up on that part.

She said she was broken so many times, compared herself to a piece of chalk. "Broken once to fit one mold, broken again to fit another..." She said now all she was, was dust. No form. I said you can give dust a form and shape, a solid body. All you had to do was work at it.

I'd like to be the one to do that, to put her back together, but she has to let me. I want to learn more about her, I want to let her learn more about me. But a big part of me keeps me from talking... I've been hurt so much, so many times, that I can't bring myself to say what my mind is piecing together.

I don't know why I know what I know, all I know is that I do. I don't know when I learned it, where, why, or how. But I'll teach her if she wants me to. I don't know how I will, but I'll try. I... am so confused. I never thought I'd feel like this again. Especially for someone I hardly know.

But I want to get to know her. And... I want to be there for her, protect her, support her. Give her someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.

She'll know who she is when she reads this, I just don't want her to think less of me when she does. She wanted to know, so here are my thoughts, open like a book for all to see.

"If we had this night together
If we had this moment to ourselves
If we had this night together, then we'd be unstoppable."
-Unstoppable, by The Calling

I heard her sing this part of the song. She has a beautiful voice, I wish I could sing like that. I'd give anything to spend just one day with her, with no one else around. Just sit and talk, maybe just sit. Sometimes silence is good, there are things that are said better in silence than with words. When we hugged, and sat together on the top of the slide, I felt safe. Content. Cared for.

Kinda tired right now, I think I'm gonna go to bed. But I suppose that tonight I'll be able to go to sleep soundly, and not cry myself to sleep.

Okay Amanda, you wanted to know what goes in in my head. Just please, don't stop reading after this entry or the one below. Take the Blog title as literate as possible, it might help you understand a bit more.

Yes, I suffer from depression. Yes, I've cut myself. It happens -very- rarely, but it still happens. I have tried on more than one occassion to run away, but I keep coming back. I do not cry in front of people, it makes me feel weak. I cry when I'm alone.

I am not Christian, I am only getting confirmed to keep peace in the family. I'm somewhere between Wiccan and Pagan. The church and I do not get along, and I consider a lot of the church members really big fakes.

I suppose I lied when I said I didn't want to date anyone. But you're going to find that out in the entry below (finish this one first!)

Just... please don't blow me off. Don't leave, just give me a chance. I swear to God I won't make advances if you don't want me to. If you say "No, go to Hell, don't talk to me again" then I'll leave you alone.

It'll hurt, but I've been hurt before. I'll manage.

I really want to ask Amanda out, but I'm scared to. I guess I'm scared that I'm going to be used again. That's not what I want. What I want is someone who really loves me, and more than a friend. Sex is a nice bonus (I am a natural pervert, I certainly enjoy it, and I'll even go and say I'm a bit of a sex fiend) but I don't want someone solely for sex. I don't want someone to want me for that reason.

She wants to know what goes in in my head. Most (if not all of it) goes down in this blog. If she really wants to know... well, I'll just have to give her this blog address.

But if I make the wrong choice (like I've been doing lately) and chase her away, a bit more of whatever sanity I have left is gonna go with her.

A lot happened yesterday. Was on my paper route when I saw this bird flopping around on the ground. When I got closer and realized it was not a pigeon, I managed to pick it up and carry it home. Becca and I got a cage ready for it, gave it food and water, and made sure all the holes and the door was closed up so it couldn't get out and hurt itself.

I managed to get a good look at it. It's a dove, a young one. It can't fly; something either got it and broke its wing, or it broke it on accident. I didn't name it, cause whenever I name something that's sick/hurt/wounded, it usually dies. The my depression and I ride that damn emotional rollercoaster, all the way down.....

The dove reminds me of myself. It's symbolic, I guess. I can't fly anymore... my wing's broken. I don't know if I broke it myself, or if someone else broke it. I need someone to help me heal it, but I'm reluctant. I don't want to get hurt worse then I already am. They just need to let me know that the aren't going to hurt me, and that they want to take care of me.

At least the dove doesn't struggle anymore when I come near. It just kind of looks at me wierd, like it's wary of me. Can't say I blame it, I mean, I am 20 times its size. But I won't hurt it. I just want to get it healed and release it. But if it ends up crippled, I won't be able to let it go knowing that it'll die out there.

I'll probably die of depression.

Not enough time to write what I want to! I'll write later!

You know, it's nice to have a change like this.

I have absolutely nothing to rant and rave about. I don't feel bad, but I don't feel good, either.

I just... don't feel. Kind of a nice feeling, compared to what I could be feeling. :P

And yet... I still can't get her off my mind. I'm gonna go as far as to say I'm becoming obsessed with her. I guess I want to take this close-aquaintance deal to friendship, then possibly beyond that. I suppose I should open up a bit more, be a bit more talkative. At least she pays attention to me on a regular basis.

Thing is, I want a different sort of attention. A kind that I haven't gotten for over half a year. I don't do well alone, but I suppose I'm too used to it for it to bother me that much.

Doesn't mean I like it, though.

Alright, I want someone to shoot me before I get out of control. My crush (on a girl here in school) is not going away. At least, not right now it isn't. And if it keeps up like this, I think it might not -ever- go away.

Let's see if I can talk about something other than... well, what I've been going on about all month.

Ying (Dragon's Gate character) may be bumped down to secondary, and I'll move Alastrine up to first. I want to get her skills up a bit, maybe even raise her damage bonus a bit. Except... I don't know if I can even do that :P Gonna get her a custom made weapon, a katana. I just have to think up a good design/description for it... and get 200 gold

..........

Okay, this isn't working. Even trying to focus on DGate doesn't help.I should probably go back to taking my medicine, but I'm tired of being dependant on some hormone-controlling chemical pill thing.

This is never going to work. Why did I even try? Of course her folks aren't going to let her meet up with a complete stranger that they know nothing about. For all they know, I could be some rapist.

Which I'm not. If I were a cop, shooting people like that would probably be a sport to me.

I'm never going to find anyone.

I don't feel good....

I think my depression has been leading me in a downward spiral, and I didn't notice it until today.

I have no one. No one wants me. They've all just used me. When I do try to get more friends or a new girlfriend, something about me chases them away. I don't know what it is. What part of me do I have to change to please others?

My sexuality is out of the question... I've tried and failed miserably at changing that. I'm happy (well, okay, too strong a word. Content) with my religion, so that's not going to change. That just leaves my personality...

How am I supposed to change something that I didn't change in the first place? I didn't used to be like this, I didn't used to be shy or quiet or timid or anything like that. I used to be energetic and happy, friendly, outgoing, social...

I don't want to be here anymore. But I don't have a choice.

This infatuation of mine is getting worse. Why now? Why couldn't it happen last year, or not at all? And why her?

And why the hell does she have to be so damn cute?

It -has- been over half a year... maybe I -am- ready to date again. I'll have to wait a while, see if it's just a stupid crush or if it's something more. And yes, I'm stressing over this.

God, I am so screwed. I swear I'm going to get my ass kicked one of these days. But I can't help it! I can't help but think (alright, hope) that I could have a chance with her.

Mom said that when (when!) I get a motorcycle, she's going to make me take classes up in Scottsbluff. She says I'll need gloves, boots, and a helmet, and that I have to pay for at least half of the $150 for the classes.

But I'm getting a motorcycle! YAAAAAYYYYY! ::does a very uncharacteristic dance::

Gotta go! I have to go to church (bleh) to go to some sort of dinner to get myself confirmed.

I don't know what's going on with me.

I have never, ever felt attracted to this girl. Even when I decided I was gay, I was never attracted to her. Now, I can't stop thinking about her. She's gay, or so she says, but she's dating a guy. From what she's been willing to tell me, she's only doing it because she's tired of all the gay-bashing and wants to try to get away from it. I can't say I blame her, but I can't force myself to date a guy just cause of that.

She says he's a nice guy and all, but she isn't happy. Maybe I have a chance?

It would risk my coming out to the whole school, which really isn't too great an idea. Mom would be super pissed, and if my grandparents and Bob and Audry found out... I don't think that would be a pretty outcome.

But would it be worth it? Or just a complete waste of time and the rest of my sanity? (Hahahaha, that's a good joke, me having sanity... hahahahaha!)

In case you can't tell, that laughing is very much sarcastic.