Void of Space

I've got a song dedication to make. It's to two of the most important people in my life, and I'm scared of loosing both of them. Even if I had the chance, I doubt I'd be able to choose between the two. Each have their strengths and faults... but that's what makes them unique.

I love both of them, and I'd do anything for them. I'd kill and die and give up everything I have left. Most of the time, I don't even know if they realize this. ANY of this. I wish them the best of luck and all my love in whatever they choose to do with themselves, even if it doesn't include me.

Maybe one day my heartache will end... Until then, I suppose the only thing I can do is exist.



"The End of Heartache"
By Killswitch Engage

Seek me, call me
I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you

Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division

In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

I can't shake the feeling that she's trying to get rid of me... it's making me depressed. I don't even know if I should bother trying to visit durning my Christmas break. Last time I asked, the subject was changed. These days I'm lucky if we hold an actual conversation...

Should I just give up? Was it more than the distance that caused the break up?

I don't like being lied to... or led on. It hurts like hell.

I've been thinking about quitting DGate for a while... Ying's been kicked to the curb, I have no reason to play my Secian, Ala doesn't have much of a reason to be around, either.. None of them have any real relationships anymore. Ying's bond left, Kaori never socialized (and I had been talked into rolling her...), Kanika's "friend" skipped town, Alastrine's buddy left as well... and her "interest" just isn't good at taking hints.

I'm doomed to live and die alone, may as well get a head start.

I feel sick.

And not the illness sick, either.

Well... maybe.

I feel forgotten, or rejected. I feel empty, and I hurt. I've nearly started crying myself to sleep again. I drown myself in work of any kind to get away from it all, and most of this work I don't even get paid for.

And I'm going to shoot my computer if pop-ups keep interrupting me. I'm fucking tired of this.

It's almost like I feel as if everyone just deserted me, and lied to me. But I don't know if they really did. Amanda's going to be moving farther away, and I can't do anything but bitch and cry and make myself sick over it. I can't change her mind, and everyone knows it.

And I'm still worrying about the whole Rachael-and-I-growing-distant thing. What if she doesn't want me to come visit? What if -she- doesn't want to come and visit? What if everything just blows up in my face, again?

This is stupid.

At least English is my only bad grade. High D range. Everything else is C+ to A. And graphic design is the only C+ I'm aware of.

I tried to get away from it all, and I had hoped transferring to Peetz would let me start over completely. But it hasn't. Everything is still here, the pain and depression and lonliness is still here. I can't get away from it. I suppose even flat-out moving wouldn't be enough to get away from it all. Even moving to another country.

I can't get much more extreme than that without landing myself in a 3x6 ft box with a two-piece lid...

I may as well work on Alastrine. I have no reason to play Ying anymore, but I can't get myself to delete her.

I really wish she'd stop beating herself up over it... it's been what, two years? It makes me feel bad... and makes me think Amanda's theory about disappearing making everything right again is right.

Would disappearing make everything right again... or would Rachael get hurt even more?

I'm still trying to get mom to let me fly there during Christmas break. Not over Christmas, mind you, but maybe for a couple of days. But I'm scared she won't want me to come... again. Things always come up, either her folks or mine or something medical or school... something always comes up. But I really want to see her. And every time I try to get her to get her mom to call, or when I try to get mom to call, something always goes wrong. I swear, if there is a God, s/he hates me. Completely.

I'm tired of trying... trying to please everyone, trying to do good in school... the only thing I'm good at is working. I feel like a damn horse. Not that horses are bad or anything... but I swear there are days they are treated better than me. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of hurting her, I want to make it stop.

But I don't want to loose what I've got left. What if I loose her? I can tell we're growing distant, and it hurts like hell and I'm glad I don't have any small knives anymore... but the tacks on the board are starting to look friendly. But damnit, I can't put my folks through that shit again, either. I don't want to loose her and I'm scared it'll be Amanda all over again, but worse.

Maybe I -should- just disappear...

But I know from personal experience that that only causes more problems.

All I can think of doing is curling up on the bed and crying...

What am I supposed to do?