Void of Space

Went to see Nancy last night. Ended up crying a bit. Talked about my cutting, and she told me to put effort into my poems to make them positive, instead of dark and angry and depressing.

She also said I shouldn't be this depressed. I should honor whatever sort of relationship I had with Amanda. That I should keep going, keep living, keep trying as hard as I did. That way I'd have something decent to talk about, in case I ever see her again.

(I don't think Nancy knows I was talking about Amanda, but I swear to god that woman has direct access to my brain. We owe each other several cokes...)

My grades have all but hit rock bottom. I seriously need to get them back up. If I don't, I'm screwed in a hundred different ways. My geometry is at a D, and my Spanish is probably worse. Journalism is questionable, and I'm starting to slack off in History and English. God, I need to get my ass in gear.

I'm going to make a serious effort to write positive poems and to get my grades up. I am going to make a serious effort to get myself back to being healthy and independant. I am going to pull myself out of this hole I've fallen into, and I'm going to get back into whatever shape I used to be in when I was younger.

I guess I've been selfish this whole time. She has a life of her own, and I have no right to try to put myself in it. I need to make my own life work.

It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes the pain somewhat managable.