Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Three cuts on the left arm.
Three lines of blood.
The three words I should have said. The three words that make up the most misused phrase in the English language. But I would have ment them, with everything I am.
Or was...
It's my fault. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. And because of it... I lost her. I'll never get her back, we'll never be what we were, or could have been. I'll slip back into my depression, do more stupid things. She has no reason to care about me, anymore. Because I acted like a selfish fucking jackass.
I'll get put in the hospital for attempted suicide, or something that looks like it.
The blood is still glistening. Barely. Parts of it are turning black now.
I still care about her... but I don't know if she still cares about me. I wouldn't deserve it, not after the way I acted. I should have been patient, should have asked, shouldn't have said what I did.
But I can't take it back. Ever. I can't turn back time. But I can change. Withdraw from the world, go back to being a silent recluse. Be emotionless, never get close to anyone that would care about me. Never again. I always lose them, always hurt them. Always push them away.
And here she thought she would be the one to do the hurting. But no, it was me. Because I'm thick, stupid... emotional.
I want to leave, never come back. I'm going to quit working at Perkins, there's no reason to stay. I'm sick of the restaurant business.
I'm sick of being unappreciated. A few people do appreciate me, but then I end up turning on them.
Like I did to Amanda.
God, I'm so sorry... I want to take it back. But I can't. I'll never be able to tell her how I really feel. I'll never be able to tell her that it's more than caring. It's more than that.
But never will be. I'll never get that chance again. My appetite is gone, my thirst is gone, feeling is gone... all I feel are the tears and the blood and the pain in my heart.
There is one thing I'm not patient for.
Death.
I want it to come soon. To make all this pain go away. To make the warmth go away. To bring the cold into my body, steal the breath from my lungs.
That's all I want now.
Why does this always happen. First Rachael, then Amanda before we could become more. It's always been my fault, always will be.
I guess... some of us are just supposed to be alone. Live alone, die alone... Always alone.
Alone.
Three lines of blood.
The three words I should have said. The three words that make up the most misused phrase in the English language. But I would have ment them, with everything I am.
Or was...
It's my fault. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. And because of it... I lost her. I'll never get her back, we'll never be what we were, or could have been. I'll slip back into my depression, do more stupid things. She has no reason to care about me, anymore. Because I acted like a selfish fucking jackass.
I'll get put in the hospital for attempted suicide, or something that looks like it.
The blood is still glistening. Barely. Parts of it are turning black now.
I still care about her... but I don't know if she still cares about me. I wouldn't deserve it, not after the way I acted. I should have been patient, should have asked, shouldn't have said what I did.
But I can't take it back. Ever. I can't turn back time. But I can change. Withdraw from the world, go back to being a silent recluse. Be emotionless, never get close to anyone that would care about me. Never again. I always lose them, always hurt them. Always push them away.
And here she thought she would be the one to do the hurting. But no, it was me. Because I'm thick, stupid... emotional.
I want to leave, never come back. I'm going to quit working at Perkins, there's no reason to stay. I'm sick of the restaurant business.
I'm sick of being unappreciated. A few people do appreciate me, but then I end up turning on them.
Like I did to Amanda.
God, I'm so sorry... I want to take it back. But I can't. I'll never be able to tell her how I really feel. I'll never be able to tell her that it's more than caring. It's more than that.
But never will be. I'll never get that chance again. My appetite is gone, my thirst is gone, feeling is gone... all I feel are the tears and the blood and the pain in my heart.
There is one thing I'm not patient for.
Death.
I want it to come soon. To make all this pain go away. To make the warmth go away. To bring the cold into my body, steal the breath from my lungs.
That's all I want now.
Why does this always happen. First Rachael, then Amanda before we could become more. It's always been my fault, always will be.
I guess... some of us are just supposed to be alone. Live alone, die alone... Always alone.
Alone.
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