Friday, January 28, 2005
I don't understand....
Why would someone "commit" themselves to someone who'll, in the end, bring them so far down that no one would be able to help them? Why wouldn't someone give that chance to someone who really cares?
I don't get it...
Why am I crying? Why should I cry? Should I shed tears for someone who... didn't want me? Never wanted me?
I'm just... going to give up. Why should I keep going? Who should I keep going for? I've never done anything for myself, ever. I've stayed away from people to keep them safe, to save them time... society doesn't need me. No one does.
Why...? Why does this hurt so much? Why do I want to die? And why won't I stop crying? Goddamnit... I can't stop. I hurt so much... and all the blades I have are too big. One wrong move and it's through the bone.
Wasting away... sounds like a good idea. Painless, actually. The hunger pains only last a week, two at the most. No blood. You just get tired, and weak. I don't like dehydration, though, that's not pleasant in my opinion. Been like that once, wasn't fun. The treatment wasn't, anyway...
Who'll miss me, aside from my family? I mean, who'll cry over me, for more than a week? I don't know.... everytime I think about it, I cry. The lying, the leaving, the pain... Who's pain is this? Is it really mine?
God, it's not stopping... what do I do?
What can I do? It's not like people listen to me. They say they care, but they don't. And if they do, they don't show it very well.
Why does everything I have to hear about her.... come second hand? Why can't she ever actually tell me? First time through a computer, the next several times was through someone else...
Whatever. Maybe none of it mattered. THIS doesn't matter...
How much can one person take? Physically, mentally, emotionally... spiritually. How much? Can't turn to the Holocaust, all the people that took it all are dead. Survivors don't count, they didn't take it all. I'm not saying they didn't suffer through hell, cause I know they did. But when your body takes as much as it possibly can.... it dies. That's just what happens.
How do I know? I don't know.... I really don't. I know things I shouldn't, understand things no one else does.
Indigo child.... catchy name. But what have I got to contribute? Nothing.... nothing at all. But if someone thinks of something (other than organs and blood, etc. etc...) let me know...
Why would someone "commit" themselves to someone who'll, in the end, bring them so far down that no one would be able to help them? Why wouldn't someone give that chance to someone who really cares?
I don't get it...
Why am I crying? Why should I cry? Should I shed tears for someone who... didn't want me? Never wanted me?
I'm just... going to give up. Why should I keep going? Who should I keep going for? I've never done anything for myself, ever. I've stayed away from people to keep them safe, to save them time... society doesn't need me. No one does.
Why...? Why does this hurt so much? Why do I want to die? And why won't I stop crying? Goddamnit... I can't stop. I hurt so much... and all the blades I have are too big. One wrong move and it's through the bone.
Wasting away... sounds like a good idea. Painless, actually. The hunger pains only last a week, two at the most. No blood. You just get tired, and weak. I don't like dehydration, though, that's not pleasant in my opinion. Been like that once, wasn't fun. The treatment wasn't, anyway...
Who'll miss me, aside from my family? I mean, who'll cry over me, for more than a week? I don't know.... everytime I think about it, I cry. The lying, the leaving, the pain... Who's pain is this? Is it really mine?
God, it's not stopping... what do I do?
What can I do? It's not like people listen to me. They say they care, but they don't. And if they do, they don't show it very well.
Why does everything I have to hear about her.... come second hand? Why can't she ever actually tell me? First time through a computer, the next several times was through someone else...
Whatever. Maybe none of it mattered. THIS doesn't matter...
How much can one person take? Physically, mentally, emotionally... spiritually. How much? Can't turn to the Holocaust, all the people that took it all are dead. Survivors don't count, they didn't take it all. I'm not saying they didn't suffer through hell, cause I know they did. But when your body takes as much as it possibly can.... it dies. That's just what happens.
How do I know? I don't know.... I really don't. I know things I shouldn't, understand things no one else does.
Indigo child.... catchy name. But what have I got to contribute? Nothing.... nothing at all. But if someone thinks of something (other than organs and blood, etc. etc...) let me know...
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