Void of Space

I feel.... strange. Enlightened, intrigued, curious, concerned... so many emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Emotions that I've never felt at the -same- time.

She asked me if I could tell when she was acting or being serious, and I was honest when I said no. But if she were to ask me if I thought she was acting when she told me everything she did...

I'd say no. I honestly don't think she was acting. (Of course, I could be really gullible, but I hadn't actually thought of that till now. And it's, what... over an hour since we talked? It usually sacks me way before this point.)

She asked if I was scared of her. I said yes, and I was completely honest. She asked if I wanted to run.

I said no, I don't run. I ment it, and I still do.

She wanted to know what I was thinking about. I suppose it was (is) a plethora of things. Things that have happened to me, things that I want, things that I need, things that I'm scared of, a few random things like how much damage my car has suffered and how much more it will suffer once I'm done cleaning it.

And for those of you with dirty minds, Leif left that smoke smell in the car, and Amanda's kid brother spilled his chocolate milkshake in the back seat. But that car has been due for a good cleaning, anyway.

And I will admit this. I thought of her, too. Things she said, the songs she sang along to when I was driving. (Let me add that she did bite me hard, on the arm, and left a mark. Just because I didn't get goosebumps doesn't mean I didn't like it. But I like gentler bites, more.)

I guess I want to believe that the parts of the songs she sang along to were things she wanted to tell me, but I won't get my hopes up on that part.

She said she was broken so many times, compared herself to a piece of chalk. "Broken once to fit one mold, broken again to fit another..." She said now all she was, was dust. No form. I said you can give dust a form and shape, a solid body. All you had to do was work at it.

I'd like to be the one to do that, to put her back together, but she has to let me. I want to learn more about her, I want to let her learn more about me. But a big part of me keeps me from talking... I've been hurt so much, so many times, that I can't bring myself to say what my mind is piecing together.

I don't know why I know what I know, all I know is that I do. I don't know when I learned it, where, why, or how. But I'll teach her if she wants me to. I don't know how I will, but I'll try. I... am so confused. I never thought I'd feel like this again. Especially for someone I hardly know.

But I want to get to know her. And... I want to be there for her, protect her, support her. Give her someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.

She'll know who she is when she reads this, I just don't want her to think less of me when she does. She wanted to know, so here are my thoughts, open like a book for all to see.

"If we had this night together
If we had this moment to ourselves
If we had this night together, then we'd be unstoppable."
-Unstoppable, by The Calling

I heard her sing this part of the song. She has a beautiful voice, I wish I could sing like that. I'd give anything to spend just one day with her, with no one else around. Just sit and talk, maybe just sit. Sometimes silence is good, there are things that are said better in silence than with words. When we hugged, and sat together on the top of the slide, I felt safe. Content. Cared for.

Kinda tired right now, I think I'm gonna go to bed. But I suppose that tonight I'll be able to go to sleep soundly, and not cry myself to sleep.