Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Why am I so depressed all of a sudden?
She'll never want anything to do with me. Never call, never visit, never ask me to do things with her. Not when she has all those people flocking around her, calling her, giving her attention, begging her to be theirs. Guys and girls.
I don't do what they do because I don't like it. And besides, I'd just be used. Just like the rest of them. And I'm sure several of them are using her. But there's nothing I can do, that chance will never come. I've asked so many times... and each attempt is brushed off by some reason. I've given up, I've stopped trying...
I started taking care of myself because I thought I had a chance. My acne became barely noticable as a result. I stopped wearing my glasses and started wearing contacts. I cut my hair short. I got my braces removed (well, that was more for myself. I hated those things). I did everything I possibly could, I even tried forcing myself to open up. But I think that blew up in my face... I don't want to tell anyone about my pain, don't want to talk about it. Cause I can't handle it. I can't talk to just anyone about it, I have to be comfortable with them. Lack of time together usually makes it hard to be totally relaxed around them.
I'm scared I'm slipping into my old habits... games, computers, RPGs. Those were the things that helped me cope with the pain. I managed to pull myself out of it when I dated Rachael, managed to keep myself out of it when we broke up... but I'm still hurting, and it isn't Rachael anymore.
I think I'll go do that. Cope. Before I totally lose it.
She'll never want anything to do with me. Never call, never visit, never ask me to do things with her. Not when she has all those people flocking around her, calling her, giving her attention, begging her to be theirs. Guys and girls.
I don't do what they do because I don't like it. And besides, I'd just be used. Just like the rest of them. And I'm sure several of them are using her. But there's nothing I can do, that chance will never come. I've asked so many times... and each attempt is brushed off by some reason. I've given up, I've stopped trying...
I started taking care of myself because I thought I had a chance. My acne became barely noticable as a result. I stopped wearing my glasses and started wearing contacts. I cut my hair short. I got my braces removed (well, that was more for myself. I hated those things). I did everything I possibly could, I even tried forcing myself to open up. But I think that blew up in my face... I don't want to tell anyone about my pain, don't want to talk about it. Cause I can't handle it. I can't talk to just anyone about it, I have to be comfortable with them. Lack of time together usually makes it hard to be totally relaxed around them.
I'm scared I'm slipping into my old habits... games, computers, RPGs. Those were the things that helped me cope with the pain. I managed to pull myself out of it when I dated Rachael, managed to keep myself out of it when we broke up... but I'm still hurting, and it isn't Rachael anymore.
I think I'll go do that. Cope. Before I totally lose it.
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