Void of Space

I'm not sure what's real anymore.

Who can I turn to? Who's real that I can trust?

I don't like it when people say one thing and do another. It makes me extremely confused, and then when they do turn around and do the other, I don't know if it's them or not. I don't know if I can trust them.

School's good, I'm almost done. Ten more weeks and I'm finished. Work is going well, I'm still getting a paycheck. Money's a little tight, but it's nothing that hasn't happened to me before. The Miata is having a hard time of it, though... the engine is at half compression and it has nearly no acceleration.

I miss certain people. I miss talking to them. Rachael, Amanda... hell, even Sharae, but now that I think about it she never really paid that much attention to me. It makes me worried, actually... who else didn't? Who else doesn't? It's hard to carry on a one-way conversation, and it just serves to make me more depressed.

Damnit, I thought I was over this on Sunday when I read some of Rachael's old blogs. I miss her, a lot. I'd do anything to try to get her back... but I can't. I can't get any of them back. I just keep pushing myself farther and farther away, hoping that the physical, emotional, and social distance will keep me safe.

It is, in a way, but it's also making things just a little bit harder.

I'm at work now. I think I'll sit down and read my book until someone checks these cars in for me. I'll be getting on a plane for Kansas City for Mazda training... but I'd love to be able to get on a plane to go anywhere but here. One way would be great... overseas would be better. But my family is all I really have left now, everyone is pretty much gone. No one responds, no one writes or calls back. I've really just stopped.

If it weren't for the fact that Sidney has nothing for me but painful memories, I'd go back in a heartbeat. But that's were I lost almost everything, and I don't want to loose whatever else I have left.

Though at this point, I'm lucky to still retain my sanity.

Call this a pity post. I don't care. Right now I need to vent, and there's no one around to listen.

As there are apparently one or two people that still look at this every now and then, I'd like to say something. This is actually for someone specific, and they'll no who they are.

I never should have said what I did on the sidewalk that night. Being friends should be good enough, and I'm sorry. It's sometimes hard to get rid of old feelings... and these have been a little difficult to shake. Really difficult, actually. I'll make it up to you when I can, if you'll let me.

Just don't ask what I'm thinking, cause the only reason you don't hear that more often is because I've usually got more self control.

Sorry.

I'm suddenly extremely stressed. Digital Design is going down the toilet, almost literally. I don't think I'm going to get this movie done in time. I don't want my folks to have to pay around $1000 for me cause of this fucking movie. I can't afford it, and I have a feeling they'd barely be able to handle it. Money's just so tight right now...

That, and the closer Pride gets, the more scared I become. I don't know why I'm suddenly... well, -terrified-, of it, depressed because of it. Maybe it's the whole baby thing, maybe it's the fact that I'm rooming with Amanda -and- her girlfriend. I don't know... I don't want to end up being that third wheel for two straight days. Being single this long does things to you, you know? I may not ever admit it, but I can't stand being alone... I can't stand not having someone with me. As hard as I try, I haven't been able to find ANYONE I can connect with. Ever since Rachael and I broke up, and Amanda left, I've been.... I dunno.. I don't want to be alone anymore, and it hurts, and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I know I come off as a tough person, but when I'm alone I feel so vulnerable. No one sees me cry, because I do it when no one's around, like now.

I want everything to be alright again. Not perfect, no, just alright. I want someone to be there for me, and say they'll never leave and actually mean it, and hold me and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay and that they'll always be there.

Sometimes I think what I want is something I'll never have.

You scored as The Magic Earring Ken Dyke. You're tough, mysterious and extremely butch. But you love who you are and often consider it a compliment when someone thinks you're a male. The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 85% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 65% The Stud 60% The Student Dyke 55% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 55% The Femme Fatale 50% The Little-Boy Dyke 50% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 45% The Bohemian Dyke 45% The Hipster Dyke 35% The Granola Dyke 35% The Surprise! Dyke 20% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 0% What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

I'm not entirely sure if I should be insulted at the "Ken" reference, or if I should take this as a compliment....

I just finished looking through Rachael's old blogger posts, before she switched to LiveJournal. Some of them made me smile, made me recall thoughts and feelings from 3 - 4 years ago. I was pretty happy then, and I miss those days.

I think I'm about to cry.

I miss her so much... even after Amanda, I still miss her. I get so angry when someone walks all over her, she deserves a hell of a lot better than that. I don't understand why she keeps hooking up with these... people. I still don't like that Michelle person, I'm just glad our convo didn't turn into the one I had with Christy.

At one time, I thought maybe I had a chance to get Rachael back. But I don't know anymore... I've all but given up trying to get myself there, something always comes up. I suppose I jinxed myself last year when I was praying Rachael could come down for Denver Pride. That didn't happen, either.

I never had a chance... a REAL chance. Thinking about it hurts so much, and now I can't stop the tears. And now, I don't know if I'll ever have that chance. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe I wasn't ever good enough... I don't know. I wish things were different, I wish I just acted on a whim and left for Highland Park. Maybe if I acted more and thought less, things would be different.

I still love her. I don't think that'll ever change... it hasn't faded, even though it was over three years ago. If the intensity hasn't weakened at all by now, I don't know if it ever will. We don't talk as much, and it makes me depressed.

Sharna's right. Time doesn't matter when it comes to love. "Not a day, not eight years." It'll only stop when I stop. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what she feels.

Well, the only thing I've actually done all day is sit on my ass, or walk around. I think I'm going to get blisters behind my knees. Owww....

We went to see this independant film called the Confederate States of America. It's a spoof-documentary about what things may be like if the South won the civil war. It was actually kind of funny, but I think the only reason I got all the jokes is because I'm Southern, cause of my mom. I hope that comes out on some sort of DVD or something, mom would like that.

I finally got that t-shirt from the Diamond Cabaret! This really big guy that came to the door at the strip club asked for my ID, and then he said I had to be 21 to be in the building. The chick behind the counter told him I was just there for a t-shirt, and he just snorted and walked away. Then he came back with a shirt and charged me $15. Five more dollars than what they charged Justin last night, bitches... oh well. I still got my shirt.

Gah, there's someone I want to try to get in touch with on PlanetOut, but I can't unless I subscribe for Personals Plus. And damnit, that means I have to wait until I finally get a credit card...

Time for me to get some sleep. Been going since 6 AM, and it's 11:30 PM. I have to be down for breakfast around 6:30, and I have to get up early enough for a shower.

Today, even though it was the start of this Colorado Close-up, has been awsome.

But I'll talk about the horse expo, first, since that's why I came down here two days earlier.

On Friday, we drove around Denver for a bit looking for a CompUSA so that I could get a new fax/data card for my laptop, since my sister lost the cord to the original. Then, after going to look around at the expo and buying a few things (mostly for Becca, like a new saddle and some boots, but I did get a cool money clip) we went to find a hotel room. Well, I couldn't get the card to work, cause my cord wasn't working (and I didn't know that I could switch the floppy drives and the CD drives in my laptop). So, we had to go BACK to CompUSA to get that taken care of, and then I remembered that I needed an Ethernet port to actually use the internet services in hotels these days. So, I bought this Ethernet port thing, and realized it wasn't compatible with my laptop when I got back to the hotel. So, being the patient person she is, mom took be BACK, again, to CompUSA, where I finally got the correct Ethernet card.

Saturday, went back to the Expo, since mom and Becca wanted to attend some presentations. Then, around noon, we drove around most of Denver trying to find a tattoo parlor called Emporium of Design. Finally found it, but it was more expensive than what I thought it was, and I needed to redo the design anyway, so I'm still holding off on the tattoo.

Now, today. I sat through very long, somewhat boring meetings and chats about parts of the government and something about the media. After that, we were asigned our rooms and allowed to relax before dinner (some sort of chicken, and some rice that tasted weird, and some sauteed veggies), then sat through a speech.

Finally, the fun part!

Jamie, Darla, Justin, and me went down two blocks to this strip club called Diamond Cabare (I think I spelled that right...) and we walked in. Me, Jamie, and Darla waited in the lobby while Justin went in to ask for a pen. Well, they didn't have a pen, so he asked for a t-shirt. Well, they had t-shirts, so the four of us pooled money for this $10 shirt. We got the shirt, and then walked back to the hotel.

I am thinking about going back there tomorrow to get myself a shirt. I want one.

I'll write tomorrow if I get a shirt.

I was looking back through some of my old posts, the ones I managed to write when I was in New Zealand and Australia. I think I figured out how Jason figured out I was gay. I swear he must have read it in my blog after I gave him the addy. I asked Leslie if she had told, and she said no. I didn't get a chance to ask Alyssa, though... and it's also possible that my gayness (how I hate that word) is more obvious than I think it is and someone just made a lucky guess, and it's also possible that someone said it just to see if they could rile me up.

However, there are plenty of people that overlook the painfully obvious.

I still feel retarded, though.

And now that I'm thinking about it, I still feel horrible about how I treated Jason. It wasn't intentional, I wasn't even aware of it. And now I've found the contact info I was supposed to give him before everyone split, in my carry-on. I swore I gave that to him, but apparently I was retarded (this is becoming habit) and didn't.

I'm sorry, Jason...



I am going to Pride on my own this summer. I won't -be- on my own when I get there, but that's good enough. Planning on rooming with Amanda (and her girlfriend, unfortunately... my first impression of her wasn't that great, and I'm considering giving this person a second chance as this first impression -was- over a chat and not face-to-face, but we'll see) I still need to get dates all set up, but by the time June rolls around I should have plenty of money for when I go down there. Gas and food and gifts and all, you know? Room fee, too.

This means I will not be doing anything with my car until after I go into college, most likely. Provided DADC gets back with me and accepts me, and if they do, I start in July. (Yes, Amanda, I'll come change your oil... and all you perverts out there need to just back off, 'kay? 'Kay)

I found this really neat store on the internet that specializes in Australian goods. Boots, hats, shirts, drovers (similar to trench coats), saddles, all sorts of stuff. http://www.downunderweb.com/intro.htm I'm looking into the Tasman Drover, with the vest/hood/chaps/hat extras. I'll have to get oilskin reproofing, too, to keep the whole thing waterproof...

Oh, to slightly derail, do NOT put "chaps" in the Yahoo Search. Or any search, for that matter.. good thing I didn't do that at school, Leslie would have killed me...

I also found this store that specializes in Egyptian wares; books, instruments, jewelry, statues, all sorts of stuff. It looks pretty good, too. I am going to expand my statue collection, as I have five right now (Brass or copper ones. Selkis, Anubis, Ra, Tut (I'm assuming), and Sekhmet) http://www.aldokkan.com/

That's all for now. You can thank Amanda for getting me to update this thing, it's been forever since I've written in it. Sorry. >.>

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! English 100% Art 92% Journalism 83% Philosophy 75% Linguistics 75% Theater 75% Dance 67% Sociology 67% Mathematics 58% Anthropology 42% Psychology 42% Engineering 33% Biology 25% Chemistry 17% What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com

Up and down, up and down, up and down, good and bad, happy and sad, up and down...

F*cking rollercoaster...

F*cking emotional rollercoaster.

I think I'm making myself sick with this emotional-rollercoaster crap. >.<