Thursday, March 30, 2006
I just finished looking through Rachael's old blogger posts, before she switched to LiveJournal. Some of them made me smile, made me recall thoughts and feelings from 3 - 4 years ago. I was pretty happy then, and I miss those days.
I think I'm about to cry.
I miss her so much... even after Amanda, I still miss her. I get so angry when someone walks all over her, she deserves a hell of a lot better than that. I don't understand why she keeps hooking up with these... people. I still don't like that Michelle person, I'm just glad our convo didn't turn into the one I had with Christy.
At one time, I thought maybe I had a chance to get Rachael back. But I don't know anymore... I've all but given up trying to get myself there, something always comes up. I suppose I jinxed myself last year when I was praying Rachael could come down for Denver Pride. That didn't happen, either.
I never had a chance... a REAL chance. Thinking about it hurts so much, and now I can't stop the tears. And now, I don't know if I'll ever have that chance. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe I wasn't ever good enough... I don't know. I wish things were different, I wish I just acted on a whim and left for Highland Park. Maybe if I acted more and thought less, things would be different.
I still love her. I don't think that'll ever change... it hasn't faded, even though it was over three years ago. If the intensity hasn't weakened at all by now, I don't know if it ever will. We don't talk as much, and it makes me depressed.
Sharna's right. Time doesn't matter when it comes to love. "Not a day, not eight years." It'll only stop when I stop. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what she feels.
I think I'm about to cry.
I miss her so much... even after Amanda, I still miss her. I get so angry when someone walks all over her, she deserves a hell of a lot better than that. I don't understand why she keeps hooking up with these... people. I still don't like that Michelle person, I'm just glad our convo didn't turn into the one I had with Christy.
At one time, I thought maybe I had a chance to get Rachael back. But I don't know anymore... I've all but given up trying to get myself there, something always comes up. I suppose I jinxed myself last year when I was praying Rachael could come down for Denver Pride. That didn't happen, either.
I never had a chance... a REAL chance. Thinking about it hurts so much, and now I can't stop the tears. And now, I don't know if I'll ever have that chance. I don't think I'm good enough. Maybe I wasn't ever good enough... I don't know. I wish things were different, I wish I just acted on a whim and left for Highland Park. Maybe if I acted more and thought less, things would be different.
I still love her. I don't think that'll ever change... it hasn't faded, even though it was over three years ago. If the intensity hasn't weakened at all by now, I don't know if it ever will. We don't talk as much, and it makes me depressed.
Sharna's right. Time doesn't matter when it comes to love. "Not a day, not eight years." It'll only stop when I stop. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't know what she feels.
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