Sunday, May 14, 2006
I'm suddenly extremely stressed. Digital Design is going down the toilet, almost literally. I don't think I'm going to get this movie done in time. I don't want my folks to have to pay around $1000 for me cause of this fucking movie. I can't afford it, and I have a feeling they'd barely be able to handle it. Money's just so tight right now...
That, and the closer Pride gets, the more scared I become. I don't know why I'm suddenly... well, -terrified-, of it, depressed because of it. Maybe it's the whole baby thing, maybe it's the fact that I'm rooming with Amanda -and- her girlfriend. I don't know... I don't want to end up being that third wheel for two straight days. Being single this long does things to you, you know? I may not ever admit it, but I can't stand being alone... I can't stand not having someone with me. As hard as I try, I haven't been able to find ANYONE I can connect with. Ever since Rachael and I broke up, and Amanda left, I've been.... I dunno.. I don't want to be alone anymore, and it hurts, and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I know I come off as a tough person, but when I'm alone I feel so vulnerable. No one sees me cry, because I do it when no one's around, like now.
I want everything to be alright again. Not perfect, no, just alright. I want someone to be there for me, and say they'll never leave and actually mean it, and hold me and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay and that they'll always be there.
Sometimes I think what I want is something I'll never have.
That, and the closer Pride gets, the more scared I become. I don't know why I'm suddenly... well, -terrified-, of it, depressed because of it. Maybe it's the whole baby thing, maybe it's the fact that I'm rooming with Amanda -and- her girlfriend. I don't know... I don't want to end up being that third wheel for two straight days. Being single this long does things to you, you know? I may not ever admit it, but I can't stand being alone... I can't stand not having someone with me. As hard as I try, I haven't been able to find ANYONE I can connect with. Ever since Rachael and I broke up, and Amanda left, I've been.... I dunno.. I don't want to be alone anymore, and it hurts, and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I know I come off as a tough person, but when I'm alone I feel so vulnerable. No one sees me cry, because I do it when no one's around, like now.
I want everything to be alright again. Not perfect, no, just alright. I want someone to be there for me, and say they'll never leave and actually mean it, and hold me and let me cry and tell me everything is going to be okay and that they'll always be there.
Sometimes I think what I want is something I'll never have.
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