Void of Space

I really wish she'd stop beating herself up over it... it's been what, two years? It makes me feel bad... and makes me think Amanda's theory about disappearing making everything right again is right.

Would disappearing make everything right again... or would Rachael get hurt even more?

I'm still trying to get mom to let me fly there during Christmas break. Not over Christmas, mind you, but maybe for a couple of days. But I'm scared she won't want me to come... again. Things always come up, either her folks or mine or something medical or school... something always comes up. But I really want to see her. And every time I try to get her to get her mom to call, or when I try to get mom to call, something always goes wrong. I swear, if there is a God, s/he hates me. Completely.

I'm tired of trying... trying to please everyone, trying to do good in school... the only thing I'm good at is working. I feel like a damn horse. Not that horses are bad or anything... but I swear there are days they are treated better than me. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of hurting her, I want to make it stop.

But I don't want to loose what I've got left. What if I loose her? I can tell we're growing distant, and it hurts like hell and I'm glad I don't have any small knives anymore... but the tacks on the board are starting to look friendly. But damnit, I can't put my folks through that shit again, either. I don't want to loose her and I'm scared it'll be Amanda all over again, but worse.

Maybe I -should- just disappear...

But I know from personal experience that that only causes more problems.

All I can think of doing is curling up on the bed and crying...

What am I supposed to do?